Observations, Amy Winehouse

I've read and watched so many things about Amy Winehose in the past few days. Nothing I have seen says it any better than this piece by MSNBC's Martin Bashir and the video that follows it. The vid is an hour long but so worth watching. If you must just skip to 47 minutes and just watch "You Know I'm No Good." Damn she was good.

"Just a few hours ago, one of the world’s most talented musical artists was laid to rest, as the funeral service for Amy Winehouse took place in London. Amy Winehouse had only spent about seven years as a professional musician but her contribution to popular music already places her very near the top of her business.

Her two albums, “Frank” and “Back to Black,” sold more than four million copies. She won a total of 23 music industry awards, including five Grammys. It’s estimated that over the last three years, she made almost $20 million from recording and performing and all in such a short space of time.

I saw her twice and she had a voice that harked back to previous eras, somehow combining Motown, Soul and Jazz but all in modern form. Her tone was smoky, burnished with an old single malt whiskey – brought to fruition at an incredibly young age.

It was her sound, but sadly, it also became her life. She was a drinker, who by her own admission “didn’t know when to stop.” Her parents talked openly about her drug use and her father once claimed that smoking crack-cocaine had given her emphysema – a debilitating condition for anyone, but imagine its impact upon a woman whose work relied upon her lungs and voice.

There has been some helpful discussion about addictive behavior and how all of us need to understand that many such people are not criminals but are seriously ill and in need of care and support. But if you listen carefully to the lyrics that Amy Winehouse wrote – there is a universal theme that almost proved too difficult for her to bear – that happiness never lasts; that love, as she put it so expertly, is a losing game.

Amy Winehouse’s music was profound because she confronted some of the starkest truths of our existence. That’s some contribution and all in such a short space of time. Amy Winehouse was just 27 years of age when she passed away on Saturday."

Amy Winehouse - Live At Glastonbury Festival 2008

Observations, Amy Winehouse

If you know anything about music you probably know by now that Amy Winehouse was found dead today at age 27, a death in all probability related to drugs or alcohol. Whether I know the person or not I always have a rather melancholy reaction to news of this sort which wasn’t helped today by being surrounded by artist types that wanted to talk of nothing else. When I write a blog post I give it all kinds of tags some of which show in the sidebar and some that don’t. I remembered a ‘gotta meet amy’ tag with only one lonely post linked to it and I couldn’t quite remember what it was. What I found was one of my very first posts with every word as true today as when I wrote it, only now the ending isn’t possible. For my own reasons I thought I would re-post it and it follows below. I heard all kinds of shitty comments today but I did see one on twitter that best said how I felt, maybe her tortured soul has finally found peace.

"I was an addict. I *am* an addict. It’s a very hard thing to say but its true. It's something that, once you have been there, you never totally leave it behind. I have an addictive personality. It has taken many forms in my life from cigarettes to Ben & Jerries Cherry Garcia to, at times, sl. But its also left me with demons Ill forever struggle with. I left myself in a pit so black I never thought I would be able to climb out. I’ve spent a month in rehab and almost wrecked a car. The police found me sitting on the hood of my car in a ditch. I think I waved. I burned through a years worth of tuition money in a month. So in other words I’ve been to hell and I know what it looks like.

The memory becomes the backdrop that you forever look at your life against. Little things that bother other people I shrug off as nothing. Than I’ll blow up over something trivial because it sets off something in the deepest darkest part of my brain. Some people think I’m down right crazy.

I tend to use the word ‘karma’ now.

I’m thinking Amy and I have a lot to talk about …."

Amy Winehouse - Rehab

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 20

My views on drugs and alcohol ....

The one I have dreaded since the beginning, really before I even started. It would be so easy just to say screw it and not answer this one. I don't even know where to begin with this.

I can start with my own litany of drugs. I have used alcohol and smoked since high school, had and addiction to cocaine, spent time in rehab, and had a few legal problems. I said had an addiction to cocaine even though I know that once you are an addict you always are one. I should add that I would die without caffeine and I have been known to smoke a certain herb that looks surprisingly like oregano. I seem to have a love hate relationship with drugs. I know I drink too much but I like to drink and I also know I shouldn't smoke but I have to admit it's my crutch. I have tried to quit a few times in the last ten years and it just doesn't happen owing to the fact that deep down I need to smoke, I need the crutch.

My views? I'm not so sure that I have any views on the subject that matter. I am far from the one to damn anybody for using any hard drugs because I've been too far down that road myself. But for now I don't let myself be around people that do use because I just won’t let myself be tempted again. Not that I haven't been offered some, I have, but not by friends or even acquaintances and so far I have reacted more with revulsion than with temptation. I lost two months of my life because of cocaine and rehab. Two months I barely remember and never am going to get back to that. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Yet I could give you a list of reasons I used coke, excuses actually. Excuses I would tell myself over and over again every day. People just didn't understand me, they don't have my problems, or my loss. I'm just using it to calm my head until I don't need it anymore and than I'll quit. I can still function, drive, and nobody seems to even notice. In my deepest darkest days I figured I was going to die anyway so why did it matter at all. And I believed every one of my excuses until it was too late.

And finally there is the artistic angle. This tends to cause more debate than any of the so called excuses do. When I paint I drink it's that simple, it's how I paint, sometimes I don't eat just drink and smoke and paint. When I was in rehab I had a therapist who tried telling me over and over that I only thought I needed alcohol to paint. He said that if I stopped drinking I would find that I was just as creative or even more so. Not long out of rehab I had my own final therapy in painting what I consider one of my best works. In the process I drank two bottles of tequila. The other side of all this is the fact that when I was using cocaine I didn't create anything. Not a painting, not a sketch, not even a single photo I know of. The artsie part of my brain just shut down so completely that I thought it was gone.

So there are my thoughts on drugs and alcohol if not my views. I’ll add a quote because I love quotes, it’s one of my favs, and it fits ....

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S. Thompson

Except when they don't ....

30 Seconds To Mars - Attack

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 3

Something I have to forgive myself for ....

What I did to myself now over seven years ago. More than that what I did to my family and friends in the process. I'm an addict, I'll always be and addict, and I have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. It's hard to explain to somebody that hasn't been through it but it's impossible to completely put behind you. It's a demon always lurking in the background, always waiting for a new chance. People will say I have put it behind me, that I have moved on, and I politely agree knowing full well I never totally will.

A semester's worth of tuition money, a month in rehab, and a summer of my life lost forever. Worse than that is the way I feel people look at me. No matter what they say I know it has to shade their opinion of me. It's pretty damn much to forgive and I'm not sure I ever will.

Yes I am an addict.

Observations frim the Library 11.10, Randomness

A quick 'way to fucking go' to my mini-me, oops, I mean my sister whose field hockey team continued its amazing run with a first round state playoff win yesterday. This time they managed to not give my dad fits and won in regulation. Now they await word on when and where they will play on Saturday so I better warm up MapQuest while I wait to hear.

I'm writing this at the library and for some odd reason I find the library sexy. Not the librarian but the library itself. Maybe it's because I find intelligence sexy or maybe it's wondering what goes on in those private reading rooms. Or maybe I'm just crazy and find odd places sexy. Maybe I should just shut up before I say too damn much.

Recently I was asked how I can walk New York sidewalks and text at the same time. This had me a little bit paranoid as I never thought it was anything special. I mean I never walk into anybody or anything rude like that. But now I think I know what might be going on. Let me remind you that I might be above average in height for a girl. No let me rephrase that, in any kind of heel at all I'm frickin tall, pushing six feet and over. So it seems that if you have a tall dark moody lesbian walking down the sidewalk texting and not watching where she is going, well, you get the hell out of the way. Works for me.

Politically something has been bugging me for awhile now. They tell you Sarah Palin is as qualified as Barrack Obama to be President of the United States, than they tell you Barrack Obama isn’t qualified to be President, ipso facto. I think you can take it from there. Twitter, in its infinite wisdom, told me I should follow Sarah Palin USA. Either Twitter's models aren't working too well or Twitter has a sense of humor. Knowing the interwebs I'll go with the first choice.

And finally a little bit of a rant here. I smoke, I have smoked off and on since I was in high school, and I know I shouldn’t smoke but I do anyway. I try not to smoke inside even when I can because I really can't stand second hand smoke, it gives me a headache. I know that smoking is more likely to kill me than any other drug I have done in my life. But I saw today that the all powerful government is going require graphic warnings on cigarette packs now. The warnings will have to cover half the pack and will include pictures of dead bodies, cancerous lungs, and other suitably gruesome things. And they think this will make me quit smoking if I don’t want to? It didn’t work for my mom and it isn’t going to work for them because you can't scare a true addict out of their addiction.

How about you just buy me some gum instead?

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

Observations from the Road 7.12

Saturday night I had a very private conversation with a friend of mine. I won’t get into what it was about, that’s just between us, but on my long drive home from the Arts Fest in State College last night I had time to think. Fool that I am I didn’t think of traffic leaving so a close to four hour drive became over five hours. So I had plenty of time to think.

When I was in high school and than into college I was a very proud person. I knew exactly who I was and I was proud of it. Than I fell into some bad times and a lot of that pride drained away over a couple of bad summers. I have had so many changes over the last year one would think that the last thing I would get out of it was a return of that pride. But it seems to be trickling back. Thing is, and what I was thinking about while driving, I’m not so sure I know exactly who I am or what I am proud of. So I started running things through my mind to see what I would say if somebody asked what came to mind when I thought of myself. So for what its worth here is what I came up with. You probably won’t be surprised at the answers but the order.

First I am an artist. I love art, live for it, thrive on it. My art is an expression of who I am. But I need more than just my art. I need that constantly changing spectrum of painting, writing, and photography that is art itself. I think I would die without it. I am constantly looking for new avenues of expression. Next up is a sex blog. Just kidding!

Second I am a woman. A woman with all the desires, passions, and wants of any woman. I feel the pain of women throughout the world whose rights are trampled or have none, who live a second class life for one reason or another. I want to help but, at the same time, have no idea how.

Third I am a daughter, sister, and a friend. I love my family and friends more than anything and would do anything for them. I can be loyal to a fault but I suppose there are worse things in life than that.

Fourth I am an addict, or more to the point was. I can’t explain it if you have never been there but it will always be with me. Something in me that is hopefully gone forever but still always lurking in the background of my life, always to be watched.

And fifth I am a lesbian. This is what surprised me. Ten years ago if you would have asked me who I was I would have said s lesbian without missing a beat. It’s what I was most proud of, who I was, but now it doesn’t seem as important. And to be honest I don’t understand this feeling at all.

And so I asked myself a question and, in the end, came up with a bigger question.

Brandon Flowers - Crossfire

Observations from the Shore 6.26

A full moon over the ocean seems a fitting way to end my yearly sojourn to the shore. Actually, as I start writing this, it won’t be long and I’ll be seeing the sun rise again but I really should crawl to bed. I always totally hate having to leave here. It’s one of those times where you just think if your karma goes bad you may never be back. I suppose every vacation ends with those thoughts but sometimes I just get to damn morose for my own good. I don’t like good times to end because I figure the bad times are just lurking in the background.

I never did think about what I am going to do when i get back. But in the end I really didn’t need to. With the VQs here I realized one thing. In a short six months in the Village I may have changed more than I knew. I really can’t see myself going back to PSU, not even for my mountains. I just can’t see the two of them doing without me. OK now I’m laughing so hard I’m going to spit my beer all over my laptop. But honestly I can’t see leaving them behind because I enjoy every weird little moment I spend with them. Maybe one day I can be a VQ too, that is if I ever figure out how the hell they do it.

A few things did come out of this week. I didn’t do as much sketching as I wanted to but I seem to have discovered, or rediscovered, color photography. Not that I forgot it existed because I usually shoot in color, with a very low iso, and convert it to b&w on my computer. I love the shading and detail you can pull out in b&w. But I was amazed by the intensity of the color in the pics I was taking here and I couldn’t bring myself to convert them. (pics)

The other thing is a bit deeper and had me thinking most of the night. I’ve written before about my problem with cocaine and trip to rehab and I’m sure I will again at some point. It all started during a trip to Wildwood just after my mom passed away seven years ago. I have been up and down the south Jersey shore many times since than but have never ever gone back to Wildwood, avoiding it like the plague. That is until this week.

Ash, in her boundless wisdom, decided I needed confront the demons I saw lurking there and finally purge my brain of them once and for all. Of course neither she nor Chloe informed me of this evil plot because they just wanted to ‘ride the coasters’ and I fell for it. Now I love roller coasters myself but I hate boardwalks. On a good day the Wildwood boardwalk reminds me of some freak show out of Dante with a side serving of ocean. But I figured I owed them and didn’t want my senseless fear of the past getting in the way of their fun so I went with them.

I would love to finish this with a paragraph about the stunning catharsis that happened when I got there but I can’t. Not because I don’t want to but because nothing happened, not a fucking thing. I took some pics, road some coasters, and went back to Stone Harbor no worse for the wear. I guess it helped that the motel I had stayed at during that summer is now tourist strip mall complete with pink flamingos, Hawaiian shirts, and pseudo Caribbean nick knacks all I’m sure made in China. So it seems you really can go back sometimes.

I suppose this is it from the shore for this year. You’ll just have to go back to watching MTV’s version now.

Dead Poetic - New Medicines

Cocaine

It’s a totally awesome Clapton tune, it’s a drug, and it’s my worst fucking nightmare.

Unless you have been there you can’t understand how it can take over your brain. You want it, need it, you think you are going to die if you don’t have it. Once it has its claws in you there isn’t anything, anything, you won’t do to get more.

I know because there was a time in my life that it owned me. I know the feeling, the desire. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and have a snort before you even get out of bed. I know what it feels like to walk into a dark alley with my hands full of bills, not caring if I walk out, just wanting what is in there. Needing what is in there.

There was a time I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. To be honest there was a time I looked in the mirror and wished I was dead. But that was so long ago.

When I moved to NY one of my worst fears, one of everybody’s fears, was that I wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation. That I would think I would be able to handle it, just once, just to feel that buzz again, the euphoria. Just once can’t hurt. I can handle that. But I know I can’t. Once you have been to hell you really can’t go back for a visit. If you go back it’s for good.

So everyday I struggle with it. What once I paid thousands for I could now easily get for free. But I know I’m better than that now. I know I would disappoint so many people if I went back. Family and friends that stood by me and helped me survive the last time. And new friends who, rightly or wrongly, have faith in me now.

And most of all I know my mom is looking down from somewhere and I really don’t want to disappoint her. I owe her so much.

So it’s almost mother’s day mom, I’m doing my best.

But it’s so fucking hard.

tuneage, Apocalyptica & Cristina Scabbia - S.O.S.

(postscript - So after some sleep I best add a little explanation. In my world i can't help seeing drugs, i can't run and hide in the mountains anymore. Not that I am tempted in any way but I don't have the clear negative reaction that i have had for years. Maybe that's a good thing but I'm not sure. So I just thought I needed to slap myself a little and this was it. Not that I need anybody else doing it so don't form a line !! kt.)

Observations from the Window 4.15

I’m sitting in the window indulging my passion for Philly sports, NY teams be damned. Luckily the Flyers playoff game is on cable because I guess I have to get used to not watching the Phils. Hell I’m going to miss that, their best start in years and i can't watch. At the same time I'm catching up on some reading too.

So than I ran across a column on drug addiction that just pissed me off. I know I have mentioned my addictive personality before. My drug probs and trip to rehab, all water under the blog bridge I guess. But something in this just grabbed me by the throat and shook me a bit. This is the exact quote ….

‘Most people who take up drug addiction ….’

Huh? Or to be more precise, WTF ?? Take up drug addiction. How can anybody in their right mind say something like that? Yeah take up drug addiction, like you take up knitting or fishing.

I didn’t want to ‘take up’ something that stole a month of my life. Stole that time so completely that at times I can’t remember any of it at all. From a trip to the shore, to driving my car into a ditch, and than landing in rehab, most of a summer of my life gone forever. And the thing is the addiction is never totally gone. Not really. Some people think you can cheat, just once, one line can’t hurt. But it’s not like that at all. One line could send me back into that dark pit, that little corner of hell I was in, and this time I might not climb out. So I guess I live with that till the day I die.

So ‘take it up’?? What the hell are you thinking?

For the record the Urban Dictionary defines cocaine as "A drug that is so important that you lie to the people that you love and steal from the people that trust you." Sounds about right.

I guess I’m just rambling here. Pissed off by a written line. I’m not sure but I think this is why I started this blog in the first place. Sometimes I just need to ramble, vent, and blow off some steam so my brain doesn’t implode.

Life goes on

'.... I only want you to see
My favorite part of me
And not my ugly side
Not my ugly side ....'

tuneage, Blue October - Ugly Side

Addiction

I was an addict. I *am* an addict. It’s a very hard thing to say but its true. It's something that, once you have been there, you never totally leave it behind.

I have an addictive personality. It has taken many forms in my life from cigarettes to Ben & Jerries Cherry Garcia to, at times, sl. But its also left me with demons Ill forever struggle with.

I left myself in a pit so black I never thought I would be able to climb out. I’ve spent a month in rehab and almost wrecked a car. The police found me sitting on the hood of my car in a ditch. I think I waved. I burned through a years worth of tuition money in a month. So in other words I’ve been to hell and I know what it looks like.

The memory becomes the backdrop that you forever look at your life against. Little things that bother other people I shrug off as nothing. Than I’ll blow up over something trivial because it sets off something in the deepest darkest part of my brain. Some people think I’m down right crazy.

I tend to use the word ‘karma’ now.

I’m thinking Amy and I have a lot to talk about ….

tuneage