Observations from the Window 3.31

Sometimes, a warm bath is just so much better than a hot shower. The vendor dude across the street waves to me but still has no sunscreen so I need to talk to him.

Did you know I have the best brother a gurl could ever ask for? And Corona without lime is like pancakes without syrup or sex without an orgasm.

Sometimes my iTunes will play songs so out there that I wonder if I was drunk, hi, or a combination of both when I downloaded them.

Sometimes I suddenly miss my mom for no apparent reason.

Did you know that in the 1950s the US government did LSD experiments on artists to observe the effects of the drug? Seriously, they gave artists drugs and told them to draw. I would have never thought of that one.

Did you know the Mona Lisa once hung in Napoleon's bedroom? And it is totally smaller than you think, only 2’6’’ by 1’9’’.

Sometimes I have the strangest dreams and some times I have unbelievably sexy ones. I’m not going to say which I prefer. Also I can be a total bitch or a little kitten. Guess which side of me people usually see?

Freddy Mercury died for our sins.

Such is the insanity of my mind.

tuneage, The Killers - Bones

The Sarah Chonicles

No not my Sara or Sarah Connor, although I think I would have much more fun with her. I’m talking about that tea swilling presidential hopeful Sarah Palin. There she was the other day in Arizona playing first fiddle to John McCain’s second. Poor John, ‘the maverick’ just seems to have lost something. Actually there was a time I liked him or maybe respect is a better word. No more, but that doesn’t matter anymore. He just looked like an old fool clinging to his glory days. And there was Palin introducing him, decked out in a way too zippered leather jacket. Maybe she was trying to scare the audience into submission like the apparent dominatrix in chief.

The urban dictionary defines wingnut as ‘An outspoken, irrational person with deeply-held, nominally conservative, political views. A person who chooses on principle to be flagrantly ignorant.’

On her Facebook page Palin recently posted a map of congressional districts to target in the next election. It comes complete with gun cross hairs so you know your target. ‘Don’t retreat, RELOAD’ she tweeted her followers. Pretty disgusting behavior for any right wing nut or radio demagogue but unforgivable for the Republican Party’s most recent vice presidential nominee. I just have to wonder what she would say if one of her supporters took her literally. 'Oh for goodness sake, lighten up folks. You libs have no sense of humor.' Plausible deniability is a wonderful thing. Palin may always be considered a lightweight and a bad joke being played upon the America. But this joke is getting a lot less funny and a bit scary as she inches ever closer to the edge.

But that day in Arizona her greatest crime, one I will never forgive her for, was how I will never look at a black leather biker jacket the same way again.

For that I can never forgive her.

tuneage

Changes

I checked my email yesterday and what did my eyes fall upon but an email from the last person on earth I ever expected to here from again. I won’t get into boring details but suffice to say and old friend who I had a bad falling out with, very bad. I never wanted to hear from her again and, to be honest, I never wanted to set eyes on her again.

I had to walk around the block a couple times to clear my head, and we are talking big blocks here. I got all kinds of advice on what to do and finally decided to ignore the letter. But I did feel a bit sad, thinking maybe she had changed and at the same time thinking I really don’t care if she did.

So what am I getting at here? I was eating dinner last night and Ash’s girlfriend pulled out her handy little netbook (I want !!) and showed me what I am going to share here. Its not a perfect fit to my situation yet it is in some ways and I just had to smile.

“….Maybe it is real! But I just don’t know that people can change—permanently or just temporarily, conveniently, in your presence. And even if someone has changed, it doesn’t mean they can shed their former self like a layer of skin and just slither away. That skin is your baggage, man. You must carry that shit. And in acknowledging all of your layers of skin, you become real.”

Failing to Keep it Real

Maybe she has changed and maybe not, but I’m not at the point in my life where I need or want to find out. Maybe I never will be.

tuneage

Some Personal Thoughts on Health Care

Let me start with cudos to Joe Biden. Yes this is a ‘big f&#$ing deal!

But I’ll give a raised middle finger to members of that other party and their strategy of hate and fear. And both middle fingers to their tard lapdog Limbaugh for having the audacity to compare President Obama to Adolf Hitler. As for Sara Palin, I don’t have enough middle fingers for you. Are you insane? To put out a hit list of democrats to target in the next election, complete with a map with crosshairs over the targeted districts. And this is a woman that wants to be president. Maybe you could be president of the Iditarod Trail Committee but than again they already know you too.

But enough, some personal thoughts ….

Neither my roommate nor her girlfriend has health insurance and it doesn’t seem to bother either one of them. Myself, well for personal reasons, I need to get some soon. I have been shopping around but I already have run into can't cover you for this and can't cover you for that responses. Or I get rate quotes that are just astronomical. It’s that boogieman called ‘preexisting conditions.’ So I am currently at the point where I throw up my hands and give up.

I never had to look for insurance before. I was either on my dad’s as a dependent student (something the new bill does away with in that children can remain on their parent’s policies until they turn 26. raised from the current 18. good for you bro!) or I had insurance at work. Maybe this reform will help maybe not. As with anything time will tell.

If it were up to me there would be no insurance companies involved at all. I know that isn’t an option but it just seems to me they shouldn’t be making massive profits while people go with out care. They along with litigators, malpractice lawyers, and the lobbyists are all, for the most part, after their dime and nothing else. Maybe if we leave the health care ‘industry’ to the health care providers it would work.

In all this I can't help but remember when my mom had cancer. They tried so many things and so many drugs but nothing seemed to work for any length of time. But there were some drugs they didn’t try. Deep down I know, and I knew than, that they wouldn’t make a difference. Karma. But I’ll never truly know.

The insurance company said that the drugs were too expensive and wouldn’t pay for them.

tuneage

Observations from the Window

'So we follow our wandering paths, and the very darkness acts as our guide and our doubts serve to reassure us'
Jean Pierre de Caussade

A grey foggy day in the city, it seems everybody just waiting for the rain to fall. The mood on the street so different from what it was these past few days. So much for the long awaited return of spring, even the umbrella vendor dude is in hiding today. Of all things I have jazz playing, it seems to fit with my mood and the coming rain. Plus it is Jazz Fest time back at home and I always enjoyed working those weeks.

I always seem to call my dad’s home. Sometimes I’m not so sure where my home is now. State College got to the point it felt like home, or at least an extension of it. I don’t get that feeling in the Village, not yet anyway. It has the feel of an extended working vacation. As if I was at the beach house and bartending at Fred’s while I was there. Now the beach house is a place I could call home but somehow I don’t think the owner has that in mind.

I guess I just don’t feel attached to any one place at the moment. I feel like I’m floating above it all, just watching my own life unfold and waiting to see how it turns out. It’s not the first time I have felt this way and I have no idea what it means to feel this way. Really I don’t want to know because it can’t be good.

tuneage

Constance McMillen Update

I had written about the sad case of Constance McMillen a bit ago. She is the student in Mississippi whose high school canceled the prom rather than allow her to take her girlfriend to it. A friend of mine sent me this and I wanted to pass it on so I just reposted it from Dan Savage to save all your innocent eyes the trouble of looking for it.

Thanks for reading ….

“CONFIDENTIAL TO SAVAGE LOVERS: I need to ask you to do something. Not for me, but for a teenage lesbian in a small town. Constance McMillen is a senior at Itawamba Agricultural High School in Fulton, Mississippi. When she asked if she could attend prom with her girlfriend, she was told no. When Constance pressed her case, the Itawamba County School Board canceled prom rather than allow Constance to attend with her girlfriend. The school board had to know what would happen next: The other students blamed Constance for getting prom canceled and "ruining senior year." Constance is now being harassed and bullied.

The school board claims it canceled prom to avoid "distractions." Now it's up to us—to decent people everywhere—to make sure that bigotry and discrimination are a much bigger distraction for the Itawamba County School District than inclusion and tolerance ever could've been.

E-mail, call, and fax Itawamba Schools superintendent Teresa McNeece (Send Mail, phone 662-862-2159 ext. 14, fax 662-862-4713) and Itawamba Agricultural principal Trae Wiygul (Send Mail, 662-862-3104). Then join the Facebook page "Let Constance Take Her Girlfriend to Prom." And, finally, make donations to the Mississippi Safe Schools Coalition , which is organizing an alternate prom that will welcome all students, and make a larger donation to the ACLU LGBT Project.

Call, write, fax, donate. Constance needs to know that there are people all over the world who are on her side. And, more importantly, Itawamba County Schools needs to know that we're not going to let them get away with this. Be respectful, but be relentless. Let's show these bigots what a real distraction looks like. Get 'em.”

Dan Savage

Observations from the Window

Total Randomness

What your brain thinks when it has been awake for 43 of 48 hours, ‘why the f^%# cant I sleep?’

Bartender - ‘so, emmm, what’s in that?’
Drinker - ‘vodka, triple sec, and red bull’
Bartender - ‘really? You drink that?’

Goth and swing are just two words that don’t seem to belong in the same sentence, but it takes all kinds. This is how it is described on their website ‘Swing Goth is what happens when rock-a-billy meets goth, and is peppered with a little blues, waltzing and a healthy portion of dirty dancing... all to modern music.’

I have learned to hate the words ‘network connection unavailable’

Random tweet ‘sittin in fitzroy square.infront theres a bench in a sea of daffodils, thats wher imma take my next girlf fo sho.’ Of course proper spellin and grammer are optional when tweeting.

Sleep deprivation seems to allow many in-depth observations and an ability to understand complex concepts. However it doesn’t seem to afford an appreciation of goth swing music.

And so it goes ….

tuneage

ten Weeks in

Just a quick ‘you gotta be kidding me’ kind of story. I’m sitting behind the bar last night, well this morning, taking my final break, sipping the last dregs from a can of Red Bull, and writing on a tablet. Guy walks up to the bar and looks at me, smiles, and says ‘writing?’ I looked up from under my glasses for a minute and finally I couldn’t help myself and just said ‘doh!’ I do not lie. Sometimes people are just hard to believe.

I was having a conversation with somebody a couple days ago and she brought to my attention it’s been ten weeks since I moved here. I really find that stunning. Time has flown by so fast. This all had me thinking last night. I’m still not sure this is what I’m looking for. What I mean is I love it here, I’m happy enough here, but at the same time I sometimes get the feeling I stepped into a round the clock part that starts to spin out of control if I let it.

I really wonder if I have passed the point of no return. I could still go back to Penn State but there are fewer and fewer reasons to do it. And if I did I would miss so many things I have here. I just don’t know.

In ways I feel lonely here which totally amazes me. How can I be surrounded by people everyday yet feel lonelier than I did when I was alone in the mountains? And my family seems a world away. They aren’t much farther from here than they were from State but I have only been home once or twice since I moved. I used to jump in my car and race home at the drop of a hat with hardly a reason too and it always seems like I had only just left. I miss that. Now, when I do get home, my sis looks at me like I have been gone for years.

So ten weeks in do I know anymore than I did ten weeks ago? I guess it depends on the question, and I’m not so sure what the question is.

tuneage

Sometimes

Sometimes no matter what happens you just have to walk around with a smile on your face all day long.

Sometimes you have a really good meal, preferably seafood, which tastes so much better because the boss paid for it.

Sometimes you find a band and love it so much they can do know wrong. Everything they play sounds new and totally amazing. In the last couple months I have found two. Sick Puppies and Blue October. Lady Gaga be damned.

Sometimes the city seems so much clearer, the air cleaner, and the sky blue. The people seem happier, polite (now that’s amazing), and smiling. I suppose spring works wonders.

Sometimes the cabbie is being honest and he really can’t speak good English. And he has no idea where the hell he is going.

Sometimes painting seems like a natural extension of my brain. The colors are vibrant, the canvas smooth, the paints mix perfectly. At times like that I feel like I feel like I can literally think what I see onto the canvas.

Sometimes you have an orgasm so amazing it grabs you by the arms and seems to shake you than leaves you stunned, breathless, and just a limp mess in a tangled bed. See the first one above.

It was a good day

tuneage

Observations from the Window, thoughts of Spring

Sixty degrees yesterday, spring is in the air, those magic words. The sound of birds, the smell of fresh mown grass, and the scent of wet plowed fields surround me. Ah nope, not a chance. OMG! Where am I and what have you done with my spring?

I sat on the sidewalk outside the gallery yesterday and the sounds of traffic, horns, and blaring music filled my ears. The smell of diesel exhaust mingled with the scents from the Chinese restaurant down the street. Not exactly the sounds and scents of spring as I remember them.

Still it was a warm and beautiful day and spring is in the air. You can feel it, sense it isn’t far away now. People were smiling in the streets again, wandering, carrying fresh flowers just flown in from South America. All of them looking like they were just released from the shackles of winter.

Soon my thoughts returned to State College, the mountains and my brother. I wondered if he went to class or bolted to enjoy his last ‘first warm day’. His big graduation day fast approaches, May 15. I’m so excited for him but sad at the same time. He has to join the real world and, for me, it’s just another link to the mountains gone.

I was always so bad when the weather got warm at school. Good thing Art isn’t exactly a major you have to show up for every day. Any warm weather, especially the early warm days, called for an unplanned trip to the beer distributor, the liquor store, and the grocery for limes and ice. Than it was a quick drive to our nice secluded spot in the mountains not far from campus. With big flat rocks to sit on, a mountain stream to keep the beer cold, and the warm sun. It all combined for some pretty memorable lazy days in the sun. Now isn’t that what college is for?

Still no sign of the sunscreen vendor but i think ill wander across the street and buy some of those Brazilian flowers.

I know this weather won’t, it can’t, last. But for now it will do.

tuneage

Violence and Art ????

'Whats done, is done'
Lady Macbeth

Originally I didn't see Sam Tanenhaus's article but it was this quote that caught my eye, 'Art imitates nature, but few artists observe like scientists. Especially in the United States, art is dominated by political correctness, which turns a blind eye to realities that aren’t supposed to exist. Both men and women are Homo sapiens, dangerous animals indeed.' It was a response to the article in the New York Times Book Review.

I wont quote it the article but read it if you must. I’ve now read it three or four times and I still don’t get what he is trying to say. Is art supposed to see the future? Artists pretty much record what they see, hear, what they feel. There are plenty of movies and books about violent women. Photos of babes with guns are all over the internet, not that I consider that art, oh maybe I should. But to say art has failed to see what is going on around it, has failed to see what is happening to women, is ludicrous. Maybe the world in general has failed to see what is happening as it does in most cases. And now I’m making no sense so I’m just as bad as him.

I mean, I thought it seemed pretty obvious that this was an open and shut case of a violently mentally ill woman who had just happened to be together enough to make it through a PhD program. Trying to generalize from it (‘feminist progress leads to violence’) just seems like grasping at straws for a story. Statistically speaking, women are much less likely to kill, and much less likely to have the sorts of violent mental illnesses that play out this way, but less likely does not mean never.

It reminds me of article I read about the shock around the world when the first female suicide bombers hit the streets of Iraq. The author concluded that, OMG, women make the same judgments and follow the same path of reason that men do! No way!! Somebody alert the psychiatric community that women can be anti social too.

Tanenhaus is what some people like to call a ‘smart conservative.’ He probably is. But being the smartest conservative is like being the best downhill skier in Tonga.

I think Tanenhaus is what some people like to call ‘full of shit.’

Obviously he doesn’t watch the show ‘Deadly Women’

tuneage

a Nite Out

Before I start I need to pass along the most important lesson learned last night. Kamikazes are, and always have been, bad bad news. Those innocent little shots that bring with them the utter disregard of rational thinking. I love them, I hate them, and I normally stay as far away as possible from them. They make me crazy and the next day they make me pay.

Now, you might ask, how did I relearn this important lesson?

My roommate’s girlfriend went to the theatre Saturday night. Now Ashley, who just said ‘use my real name damnit’, absolutely, hates the theatre. So she decided it was time for one of her so called nights out. You could say we are out every night but when she gets this look in her eye it is something special she has in mind. She first came up with this back in our college days and we have been doing it off and on ever since. Put on our best black, pull on our best boots, and roam from bar to bar looking for nothing more than the sheer entertainment found in the minds of our fellow human creatures. OK I’m pretty much talking guys here.

It’s not that we pick on people or anything like that. More like careful observation of our surroundings. I like to think of it as being psychologically playful. Now, like me, Ash has never been with a guy and has pretty much always known that she was gay. But she attracts straight guys like a moth to a flame with about the same result. I, on the other hand, seem to give off a ‘touch me and you die’ vibe.

Even with my hair down and my best bartending smile on my face, when I am with her I get nothing but ‘excuse me but who is your friend?’ type comments which put a nice scowl on my face. Or I get hit on by the middle aged soft-core porn producer in a JC Penney suit guys.

So in the end I feel like the jilted lover and now I’m pretty adept at playing that part. And that’s where the fun comes in. But that’s another story!

I think I'm burning a chicken ....

tuneage

Observations from the Window

Just some random thoughts and than at the end, in honor of Keith Olbermann, a special thought for the state of Mississippi.

After a couple of warm days that had thoughts of spring running rampant I look out onto an exceedingly dreary street. It’s cold, wet, rainy, damp, or bleak. Take your pick. Still no sunscreen vendor on the street and now none needed. Normally I take mostly b&w photos but I have a sudden urge to take color pics of this b&w world. Than again they would probably look the same.

Last night the bartender I work with told me I’m not the ‘chattiest person under the sun’. This is something new? I think I'll have a button made that says ‘will chat for tips’.

A response to Sam Tannenhaus’s essay, in the New York Times Book Review, on the depiction of violent women in the arts, “Art imitates nature, but few artists observe like scientists. Especially in the United States, art is dominated by political correctness, which turns a blind eye to realities that aren’t supposed to exist. Both men and women are Homo sapiens, dangerous animals indeed.”

Now for Mississippi ….

It seems Mississippi needs a minority to hate and it doesn’t care who it is. Cute lesbian high schoolers are next up. Rather than let a student attend the prom with here girlfriend the Itawamba Agricultural High School canceled the prom. The school district's bureaucratic non-excuse for the cancellation is that it's ‘due to the distractions to the educational process caused by recent events.’ I guess they are just afraid to state the obvious, ‘we scared of the gehs!’

And in Copiah County, Mississippi a 17 year old high school student was denied a spot in her yearbook because she wore a tuxedo in her picture. She happens to be a lesbian but also a straight A student, goalie on the school soccer team, and a leader of Students Against Destructive Decisions. But damnit she is a cross dresser!

I have some choice things I could say but, being the calm mellow understanding sensible lesbian, Ill just leave it with Mississippi yawl suck!

On the lighter side I found this comment reading a blog post about the prom. ‘Why do heterosexuals have to "announce" their sexuality? They do so by holding hands in public or kissing each other. How DARE they do that where my gay child might see that and think it's normal?! Who do they think they are, flaunting their affection for one another for all to see. My gosh, it's horrible.”

I just have to smile sometimes

tuneage

Observations from the Window

Sixty degrees in the Village! The end is near, well the end of this god awful winter anyway. I had such awesome plans for my day off. I was going to take in the Whitney Biennial at the WMA and than hit the Union Square Green Market for much needed foods. But alas both are closed on a Tuesday so I find myself in the window as my blacks wash. Maybe, as somebody suggested, I should just make my bed.

But I have made an invaluable discovery. The window, with some prodding, opens to the outside world. This is earth shattering for me. I feel like I’m back in the dorm with the window open and music blaring. And no it is not Lady Gaga, I don’t want everybody on the street to think I’m gay.

The sounds of the street flood in and I just have to smile. People seem to notice you more with the window open so I suppose I have to wave back. How am I supposed to read? And where the hell is snow shovel / umbrella man with the sunscreen? God I need to find out if I can get the beach house at this summer. I called a garage today and maybe Ill have my ‘foxy’ here in time to put the top down and head out of town when the mood hits. Funny what a little warm air can do for you. Makes the mind run in warp speed.

I got a text from my brother saying 'holy hell that was a long trip!', I guess it was considering that was the first i heard from him since he left for Vegas almost 24 hours ago. I'm not even going to ask.

Just reading odds and ends here, catching up on the world after my long weekend. Today gay and lesbian couples were married in DC for the first time. I just have to smile at that. But, as always, it seems to be one step forward and another back. This from the San Francisco Sentinal ….

“Last year, a member of Uganda’s Parliament, David Bahati, introduced a bill that, if it becomes law, will further criminalize homosexuality in Uganda. “Aggravated homosexuality,” according to the bill, will become a capital offense, and anyone who doesn’t report a known homosexual within 24 hours will be subject to punishment of up to seven years in jail.”

So not only would it be a capital crime to be gay but a crime not to report gays, or those you think are gay, or those you wouldn’t mind getting rid of, or or or. Must be how it felt to be Jewish in Nazi Germany.

Rep. Eric Massa called White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel “the son of the devil’s spawn”. Even in politics a line doesn’t get better than that. Just make me like Emanuel more than I did already. But even better Masa goes on ….

“I’m sitting there showering, naked as a jaybird and here comes Rahm Emanuel not even with a towel wrapped around his tush, poking his finger in my chest, yelling at me because I wasn’t going to vote for the president’s budget. Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?”

For the record Masa is a congressman from New York who resigned today because he is under investigation by the house ethics committee for alleged inappropriate behavior with a staff member. He claims he only shared a hotel bed with a male staff member to save money. He also claims he was setup by Emanuel because he was the deciding vote on health care reform (he is against it) and Emanuel wanted him out of the way.

Truth is always stranger than fiction.

Life goes on.

tuneage