Observations from the Window, Hope

Hope

If you read my last post it may seem that all hope is lost but yet it’s a word connecting the comments to that post like a web. I didn’t mean for that post to seem so hopeless but it was made up of some thoughts I felt I needed to say. At the same time I really am full of hope and I think I should tell you why.

I know a girl whose life parallels mine in so many ways. She is so very different from me yet so much alike. I always knew I was gay, I know that might be rare but I just never had a moment where I didn’t know. This girl grew into that awareness and at times struggled with it. She asked me so many thought provoking questions that I was sometimes worried it was more a phase than a realization.

When I was in high school I wrapped myself in my gayness in an arrogant and cocky ‘this is who I am and you will know it’ facade. The girl I’m thinking of does the same thing but in such a different way than I did. She is so self-assured and confident of herself that she doesn’t have to throw it in anybody’s face. She knows who she is and makes no effort to hide it. As if she is saying ‘if you don’t like me and who I am that’s just too bad and your loss because I am a good person.’

This girl is as popular in school as any straight girl. It just makes no difference to her friends, teachers, coaches, or to anybody else that matters to her. She is an awesome student and captain of her hockey team, everything just seems to go so much smoother for her than it did for me. I know part of it is the fact that she doesn’t have my arrogant abrasive personality. But I also like to think things really have changed in just a short time, changed so very much for the better.

I have only been out of high school about ten years now, really a very short time in the scheme of things, and my sister, my mini me, is ten years younger than me. And yes that girl I have been talking about is my younger sister. Every time I think about her life compared to mine I do have hope. Not so much hope that people can change, I know they can but deep down I fear they won’t, but hope that thanks to people like my sister and her generation it just won’t matter if you are gay anymore. That might be the best hope of all. That it just won’t matter anymore.

I am a very proud sister.

Michael Paynter - Love The Fall

(added comment)

Born on the 4th of July

Born on the 4th of July. It’s the title of a book I have never read and a movie I have never seen about a war I know little about. More to the point it is Independence Day in America, which also happens to be a totally awesome summer flick I have seen. Flags wave, bands play, and fireworks shoot into the night sky all across America. All America celebrates its freedom.

America, yes it is the land of the free and the home of the brave. Free as long as you follow certain social and sexual mores that are approved by the hate spewing wingnuts and their brethren. Brave as long as you stay so deep in the closet the dust balls look down at you.

In California you had proposition 8. Some might think this is American democracy at its best. What could be simpler than the majority rules right? Except for the little remembered fact that America isn’t a pure democracy and was never intended to be one. It is a republic. You would think the wingnuts would get the idea from the name of their own party but no they don't remember. The party of Abraham Lincoln and Glenn Beck, where did it all go wrong? Did you people learn nothing in school? Looking at a recent poll I guess not, a quarter of you not knowing what country we gained our independence from. Seriously some of you thought China?

I have never thought seriously about getting married nor do I ever see it happening. To be honest there probably isn’t a girl out there who could deal with me for any length of time. But for anybody to tell me that I have no right to marry is like a slap to the face. Am I not an American citizen just like you? Am I not a human being like you? How dare you tell me yes I have all the rights of an American citizen but than qualify it by adding except for these rights. I am not an American citizen ‘but’. I am an American citizen.

From the day I was born promises have been made and made and yet nothing changes. Nothing changes but the ones who make and break the promises. Granted President Clinton tried to repeal the military gay ban but he also, to quote Jerry Seinfeld, folded faster than Superman on laundry day. Almost twenty years later we have more promises and just as little action. Just more words to keep track of. More promises to forget.

How can anybody in this nation believe they are truly free if not all are equal?

“You have rights antecedent to all earthly governments: rights that cannot be repealed or restrained by human laws; rights derived from the Great Legislator of the universe.” Words spoken by John Adams well over two hundred years ago, it was true than and it’s true today. Maybe one day this nation of ours will live up to its potential and dreams for all of its so called citizens.

I have no plans on holding my breath.

Observations from the Roof 7.2

Let me start by saying all fireworks are highly illegal in the five boroughs of New York. Yeah right! Somebody queue Francis Scott Key and tell that to all those peeps in Brooklyn cause I’m sitting in the rocket’s red glare here. I might be embellishing that a bit but these people are seriously rocking the sky.

Moods are a capricious thing. One day it’s all dark skies and Armageddon and the next it’s sitting on the beach under a full moon in a way to big sweatshirt. Today I woke up in a mood I best described to a friend as a ‘good arrogant summer bitch' mood and it still fits. How do I explain this mood? Well it’s a good mood and it is summer so that explains part of it. It’s the kind of mood where I do what I want and I really don’t give a damn what anybody thinks about it. I just give my inner weirdness full bloom and damn you if you don’t like it because I just don’t care. It's a fuckin Linkin Park mood and it’s a fun mood to be in but it never lasts long enough.

And why do people think New Yorkers are so full of themselves? Just because we live in the center of the universe and a select few of us live in the epicenter that is the Village. So we have the best in art and culture. We do know it doesn’t make us any diff or better than the rest of the world. It just is what it is. I would take a survey here but I’m surrounded by New Yorkers at the moment so I think the results would be a bit warped. I do know one thing that ‘native’ New Yorkers are full of. It’s their damn sports teams. There isn’t a team in this city I didn’t grow up hating and I don’t see myself changing now. They just don’t realize that the sports center of the universe lies a hundred miles south of here in Philly. I keep trying to explain this to them but they just don’t get it. Something about winning the World Series last year keeps getting in the way.

Finally from Plurk comes the word of the day, synthetic asshat. I have no idea what it might be but I so like it!

Linkin Park - Faint

Observations from the Road 7.1

Some last thoughts from the roadtrip to phillypa ….

While I was in Philly I had lunch at the Reading Terminal Market which is a kind of indoor farmer’s type market in the center of the city. It’s housed in an old railroad terminal building so that explains the name. You can find damn near anything to eat in here along with the usual flowers, bulk goods, and all the usual stuff. Did I mention food? So much to eat from sushi to scrapple. If you don't know what scrapple is don't ask and for god's sake don't look it up before you try it!

But I’m not trying to be your gay tour director here so I’ll get to my point. I’m sitting there eating the most wonderful greasy egg and bacon sandwich I bought at an Amish food stand. When I look around I realize that I’m sitting next to a Mexican food stand run by an Asian guy who was eating a cheese steak. Just one of those only in America moments you get every now and than.

I haven’t been to downtown Philly for years. Maybe not since I took some classes at Temple University when I was working on my masters degree. It’s so diff from the Village and New York, seemingly much more working class. I know it really isn’t that way now, industry having fled years ago, but it still has that feel to it. And, for whatever reason, the police seem to be a much happier bunch here than in New York. And there were police everywhere too, all drinking coffee and eating pretzels. I honestly didn’t see one donut!

I really need to get back sometime soon because around the edge of center city is a whole trove of new galleries. Or new since last I was there. It seems a lot more vibrant than I remember, even with its blue collar soul, but maybe that’s just me. I wanted to spend more time but lacking proper footwear, proper footwear being in my kitchen in the Village, I was tired of walking and had had about enough for one day.

I know it looks and reads like I am trying to be some pseudo Seth Kugel or a budding travelists but I’m not. I promise to quit now before it gets out of hand.

Jackyl - She's Not A Drug

Observations from the Road 6.29

Randomness from the road, phillypa

Philly looks a bit diff than last I was here, a little bit poorer and a bit grungier. Maybe it’s the times and you could say that for any city what with budget crunches canceling fireworks shoot em ups all over the country. I even gave a guy a couple bucks for a ride home. I know call me a sucker but I fell for the haven't worked in four years and just got this job cleaning floors and i have my lunch here in my bag so I'm telling the truth and my ride didn't show up so I'm stuck here man. Man? OK I gave him a couple bucks to shut the hell up. Hey why the hell you still have your lunch if you just got finished working? Damnit!

It’s totally amazing how even the slightest breeze feels so good on a sweltering day. Chatted up a pretzel vendor and was informed it is 50 degrees warmer inside his aluminum pretzel shed. I doubt it’s that much but it has to be scorching in there though. Pretzel was good though. But if you are going to spend a hot day walking around Philly don't leave your sneaks in New York.

Found a nice secluded bench in Independence Park. Trees, shade, breeze, and no peeps around to bother me. Smoked, tweeted, and read the Lady Gaga article in Rolling Stone. Bet that doesn’t happen here everyday. But that effing bell they ring in Independence Hall is effing loud when you are sitting just under it.

Japanese tourists have a penchant for two things, and one of them isn’t a camera. I’m talking cigarettes and umbrellas here. All the men were smoking and all the women where carrying umbrellas to shade their heads.

Speaking of cigarettes, a lot of people seem to smoke in Philly. At least more than you seem to see in New York, well if you don't include the Village. Outside every building you see people standing around smoking. It seems lawyers smoke the most of all and, by the way, some lawyers are smoking in more ways than one.

My sis eats sushi like I drink beer. Nough said.

Framing Hanley - You Stupid Girl

Observations from the Shore 6.26

A full moon over the ocean seems a fitting way to end my yearly sojourn to the shore. Actually, as I start writing this, it won’t be long and I’ll be seeing the sun rise again but I really should crawl to bed. I always totally hate having to leave here. It’s one of those times where you just think if your karma goes bad you may never be back. I suppose every vacation ends with those thoughts but sometimes I just get to damn morose for my own good. I don’t like good times to end because I figure the bad times are just lurking in the background.

I never did think about what I am going to do when i get back. But in the end I really didn’t need to. With the VQs here I realized one thing. In a short six months in the Village I may have changed more than I knew. I really can’t see myself going back to PSU, not even for my mountains. I just can’t see the two of them doing without me. OK now I’m laughing so hard I’m going to spit my beer all over my laptop. But honestly I can’t see leaving them behind because I enjoy every weird little moment I spend with them. Maybe one day I can be a VQ too, that is if I ever figure out how the hell they do it.

A few things did come out of this week. I didn’t do as much sketching as I wanted to but I seem to have discovered, or rediscovered, color photography. Not that I forgot it existed because I usually shoot in color, with a very low iso, and convert it to b&w on my computer. I love the shading and detail you can pull out in b&w. But I was amazed by the intensity of the color in the pics I was taking here and I couldn’t bring myself to convert them. (pics)

The other thing is a bit deeper and had me thinking most of the night. I’ve written before about my problem with cocaine and trip to rehab and I’m sure I will again at some point. It all started during a trip to Wildwood just after my mom passed away seven years ago. I have been up and down the south Jersey shore many times since than but have never ever gone back to Wildwood, avoiding it like the plague. That is until this week.

Ash, in her boundless wisdom, decided I needed confront the demons I saw lurking there and finally purge my brain of them once and for all. Of course neither she nor Chloe informed me of this evil plot because they just wanted to ‘ride the coasters’ and I fell for it. Now I love roller coasters myself but I hate boardwalks. On a good day the Wildwood boardwalk reminds me of some freak show out of Dante with a side serving of ocean. But I figured I owed them and didn’t want my senseless fear of the past getting in the way of their fun so I went with them.

I would love to finish this with a paragraph about the stunning catharsis that happened when I got there but I can’t. Not because I don’t want to but because nothing happened, not a fucking thing. I took some pics, road some coasters, and went back to Stone Harbor no worse for the wear. I guess it helped that the motel I had stayed at during that summer is now tourist strip mall complete with pink flamingos, Hawaiian shirts, and pseudo Caribbean nick knacks all I’m sure made in China. So it seems you really can go back sometimes.

I suppose this is it from the shore for this year. You’ll just have to go back to watching MTV’s version now.

Dead Poetic - New Medicines

Observations from the Shore 6.24

I’m not keeping up with the news the way I normally do but some things just jump out at me when I open my laptop. The first is the continuing Afghanistan debacle with President Obama accepting General McChrystal’s resignation and replacing him with General Petraeus. In the end he really had no choice but to accept the resignation but followed with a brilliant choice for his replacement. Whatever happens Obama can rightly say he did all he could. Now all we need to do is declare victory and leave that burial ground of empires behind.

Than there is the discovery of trillions of dollars of minerals or, as Fox News calls it, stuff in Afghanistan. Fox is worried that China will want this array of stuff so we have to stay to protect it. Hell let the Chinese have the stuff! Just leave and hand the whole effing mess over to the them. Or better yet trade Afghanistan for Tibet. We get the Dalai Lama and they get Hamid Karzai and his pathetic posse of cronies.

Whatever happens with the Afghan’s new lottery winnings Jon Stewart is, as usual, dead on. “Perhaps now the Afghan people will pay some sort of price for the war. You hear that Afghan people? The free ride to Rubbletown is over!" Stewart said.

Finally I have to have a tard of the day. I haven’t had one in a bit but not because of lack of potential candidates. The right wing is a virtual cornucopia of tards and aholes. But all that is for another time. So in leaving I give you Mike Huckabee who said in a New Yorker article “I do believe that God created male and female and intended for marriage to be the relationship of the two opposite sexes. Male and female are biologically compatible to have a relationship. We can get into the ick factor, but the fact is two men in a relationship, two women in a relationship, biologically, that doesn’t work the same.”

Ick? A presidential hopeful used the word ick? The Urban Dictionary defines ick as ‘something gross, a feminine way of saying "ew". usage by men: only recommended if you are a homosexual.’ Ahhh now I understand!

And so it goes

Buckcherry - Everything

Observations from the Shore 6.23

And so the VQs arrived at the shore yesterday. It seems Ash apparently packed for two weeks and any possible weather. One does never know when one will get the call for a wine and cheese party. She seems to be enjoying it though. How do I know? The first sure sign is that she turned off her omnipresent cell phone.

But honestly it’s cool having my girls here and be able to show off my little hideaway, normally I like spending this shore time alone. It is a totally sweet sight to see them stand on the deck sipping beers.

Than again I smile a lot when I think of them. So different in looks, but both gorgeous in their own ways, and personalities. Ash is the hyper one while Chloe is more laid back. One has a fine arts degree and the other a degree in theatre, which alone should send up warning signs. But it works for them and works most awesomely.

Other than for my severely depleted beer stock the first day went rather well. But their differences quickly became apparent during our first trip into town. The Oceans Gallery is a cool little gallery off the main intersection, just up from the all important Fred’s Tavern. Until she was finished there Ash not only met the owners but had a cell number too. Meanwhile Chloe shopped in funky jewelry stops and picked up a pile of Fred’s t-shirts.

I won’t pretend I know anything about love and relationships, it’s just not my area of expertise, but I know what I see. I see two women who are strong, each sure of themselves in their own way, and very happy together.

The VQs have been a couple for over four years now and sometimes I am in awe of how close they are. One time Ash and I were on the roof pondering life and I asked her what the attraction was. What was it that held them together in the crazy world that is the Village? She told me it was simple. Chloe lets her be herself, makes her happy, and brings her peace.

Karma

Paper Tongues - Trinity

Observations from the Shore 6.22

There can’t be a much better thing in life than crawling out of bed in the morning, out the door, and onto the deck to the sound of ocean waves crashing on the beach. The scent of the ocean fills your head as the breeze blows off the water. I look out and thinking, wondering, about nothing in particular as I sip on a mug of dark brown liquid I like to call coffee.

Hardly anybody is on the beach this early. Just a few people are walking and a few others flying kites. There was a time I loved flying a kite. Not those cheap two dollar varieties you buy at the beach shops. I had a way cool stunt kite I got on a trip to the Outer Banks. I don’t know what ever happened to that kite but I have a sneaky feeling the kid borrowed it.

I saw a list of the top ten Jersey beaches. I don’t know what morons make up lists like this because Stone Harbor didn’t make the cut. Both Avalon and Sea Isle made the list. Come on its called Seven Mile Beach for a reason so how can you have two thirds of it on the list without the best third? Prob just pissed because there is no boardwalk. To me that is the best part of this town. Wildwood came in at #1 but I haven’t been there in years. It is the one time party capital of the shore that now claims it was the perfect family destination all along. That thought makes me laugh because it just happens to have about fifty bars and clubs in the area. I tend to stay away because it is the one place down here with more bad memories than good so why fight my karma.

A couple of weeks ago i read an article in the Times, 'Where the Party Is Perpetual', that I wanted to share. Just one of those articles that makes you smile knowingly unlike MTV's Jersey Shore which tends to make me gag. The end has the totally perfect quote, one of those been there done that type of things. "The house began to stir. Bagels were fetched. Mr. DiMassa ventured out to the porch and returned with shocking news. “Dude,” he said incredulously, “people are gardening.” Life doesn't get much better than that.

Now I must enjoy some down time before my VQs get here later today. This poor town may never be the same.

Nickelback - This Afternoon

For Dad

I suppose I never mention my dad much, not nearly as much as he deserves. The quiet one of the family, just sitting back and watching as his crazy kids grow hopefully into something worthwhile. If my mom was my early inspiration my dad was the rock I leaned on. The one I go to when everything seems destined to fall apart.

I was the first, and I don’t think he wanted to wait years for ‘the kid’ to come along, so I became the pseudo jock artist at an early age. Of course I hadn’t yet thrown lesbian into that mix, even I wasn’t that young. I played all kinds of sports before settling on field hockey full time and he was always there. He was always the quiet one but always there for the games, the tournaments, and would drive me to Philly to go to a kewl sports shop for sticks.

I am a lot of things because of my dad and a few things despite him, ja try and guess that last one. I suppose that is how it is with anybody. I’m totally passionate about my sports and at times I am a voracious reader. I have been known to fish, yes fish. While my mom was taking me to New York and museums my dad was sneaking me off to Phillies games and sharing the shear sloppy joy of a cheese steak. I love to play ice hockey, skate, and I always wear hockey skates.

He bought me my first camera telling me, with a wink, that I couldn’t paint everything.

And he pushed me to get my masters when I had had just about enough and was ready to give up. Though, to be honest, I always thought he steered me into Art History because he figured I would have a better chance of getting a job and getting out of his hair.

Like I said he is always there.

Happy Father’s Day Dad

Kenny Chesney - Old Blue Chair

What can i say? One of his fav singers :)

Observations from the Shore 6.19

Top down, tunes cranked to jet engine level, cruising down back roads I know like the back of my hand. Through endless fields of tomatoes and peppers, past roadside fruit stands, than finally through the Pine Barrens, it’s the back way to the shore I have taken for years.

As the sun rises higher and higher the ocean beckons, the scent of salt water begins to fill the air. That’s when you know, when you know it isn’t far now. Down the long straight road leading to the bay, finally the water tower rises in the distance, and the drawbridge is just ahead.

Lacuna Coil's Manifesto blares as I cross the bridge onto 96th street, and pass Fred’s on the left. Than I have to laugh as I look in the rearview mirror and see something a little different than my normal entrance. A robin egg blue car behind me with my sister driving, shades on, and her fist pumping in the air. I might be in trouble here.

Finally we pull up to the house with the ocean just behind it. The waves crash as we walk out onto the deck on a beautiful day, not a cloud in the sky. And so I’m back yet again. MTV be damned, this is my Jersey Shore and always will be.

Only one thing left to do. Fred’s.

Lacuna Coil - Enjoy the Silence

Observations from the Window 6.17

Two more days till I go down to the shore. No, for the record, I said go down to the shore not go down on the shore. God I’m surrounded by dirty minds! And why do people always look at me strange when I call it the shore?

I have so many memories from the shore running from the very best to the very worst. But thankfully the bad ones are few and far between, I guess that is why they stand out sometimes. As much as I talk about the mountains it is the shore where I sometimes think I most belong.

I love walking on the beach at dawn as the sun just begins to break over the horizon. The sky blazes with more and more color and, if you are really lucky, dolphins leap just offshore. Now I’m not to sure how I will be getting up at dawn this time, the way my clock is re-tuned. I might just have to stay up all night to see the sunrise.

And I love the other end of the day too. Sitting on the deck as the sun sets into the bay behind me. Sipping a Corona and watching as people reel in their kites and the water gets darker and darker till all that’s left is the sound of crashing waves and the first reflections of moonlight.

I like buying fresh fruit in the morning from the truck right outside and ice cream in the afternoon. Reading away the afternoon on the deck, sketching, or it might be photo taking this year. Just sitting back and listening to tunes as the sun passes overhead. I am packed for most anything. Every little space in Foxy will be filled to the bursting point. But for now i must do some shopping as the vendor dude never did get my sunscreen.

The next time you hear from me it should be Observations from the Shore :)

Norah Jones - Sunrise

Observations from the Window 6.16

A wet dreary day outside the window today and I really don’t feel like writing anything. Maybe the lull before I head home Friday and the shore Saturday. Looking forward to the house, ocean, and Fred’s but I can’t forget my sis, friends, and hopefully some special downtime. Oh and Stieg too!

Anyways, like I said, I don’t feel like writing much but I wanted to pass along some things I read over the last few days. Each one touched me a little differently whether mad, sad, or just plain pissed off. The end of the first actually brought a tear to my eyes. So when you have a minute, ok maybe thirty, take the time to check them out.

"MARJA, Afghanistan — The Marine had been shot in the skull. He was up ahead, at the edge of a field, where the rest of his patrol was fighting. A Black Hawk medevac helicopter flew above treetops toward him, banked and hovered dangerously before landing nearby ...."
'As Afghan Fighting Expands, U.S. Medics Plunge In' via The New York Times

"KEY LARGO, Fla. — When rigs first started drilling for oil off Louisiana’s coast in the 1940s, Floridians scanned their shoreline, with its resorts and talcum-white beaches, and said, No thanks. Go ahead and drill, they told other Gulf Coast states; we’ll stick with tourism ...."
'Florida Skips Offshore Oil Binge but Still Pays' via The New York Times

"Reports have been coming out of the Gulf for days about British Petroleum blocking access to beaches and animal-cleaning stations, in some instances using private Blackwater-style mercenaries to do so ...."
'Enough of This Crap' via truthout

And finally my tune for the day, and a first at that, country music. But fitting.

tuneage, Brad Paisley - Alcohol

The View From The Roof

flickr

The view from the roof is so different from that of the street, or the window for that matter, that one has to wonder if it is of the same world. Just a few flights above the window seat is a place to utterly lose one’s self. The street and its sounds are lost in the canyons below. On the roof the city itself swirls around you in all its myriad scents.

At dawn the sky is a bright pastel with cool crisp air blowing up from the water. Sunset brings more muted hues and thick calm air as the sun falls into Jersey. The beer tastes good at either time.

When you sit on the roof and ponder life you begin to understand one thing. This really may be the center of the universe.

Jungleland