Observations from the Window 10.14, Anderson

I am walking around the neighborhood like I sometimes do to think and get a little exercise, ok and hope to see some NYU girls while I am at it. I’m just a few blocks from home and there it is again. Anderson Cooper’s gleaming red brick firehouse that I have passed so many times before. I look up at the second floor window and realize that Cooper himself is standing there as if looking over his kingdom. As I stand across Third Street, so nervous I have to light a cigarette, I look up again and see him smile ….

Alright so I am sitting in the window and that thought just went through my head. I have passed the firehouse many times but I have yet to see AC let alone his smile. Now I have never been attracted to men but after reading his recent quote on the derogatory use of the word gay in a movie trailer, basically gay = stupid, I realized something. AC is not a man but a goddess trapped in a man’s body. I have no proof whatsoever on this theory but I may have to look into it more.

No I am not going to become some sort of dark stalker. The gods know I cant afford to fly around the globe chasing him and some of the spots he goes, well, a tall dark leather clad lesbian would stand out. I have to find some pseudo scientific way to prove my theory from a distance. Any help given will be greatly appreciated.

On a more serious note I leave you with the quote ….

“We’ve got to do something to make those words unacceptable because those words are hurting kids. Someone else I talked to recently said that the words people use and the things people say about other kids online, it enters into their internal dialogue,” Cooper said in a discussion with Ellen DeGeneres. “And when you’re a kid, it can change the way you see yourself and the way you think about yourself, and the worth that you give to yourself. I think we need to really focus on what language we’re using.”

Sick Puppies - Maybe

Observations 10.14, The Trevor Project

Observations from the Gallery 10.13

marlith

For one of the few times since I started writing here I haven’t felt like writing. I guess I was in a bit of a mood as the world just seemed to swirl around me in a dark cloud. The teenage suicides I wrote about (l) followed by a series of anti-gay beatings in New York had the gallery in a melancholy mood and it doesn’t take much to send me over the edge.

Than last night I sat chatting with a friend as I watched the first Chilean miner rescued after over two months trapped in a mine. As my friend said sometimes the world does indeed need good news. That was followed by news that a judge had ordered the DOD to immediately suspend DADT. I’m sure that isn’t the end of DADT but as White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said “time is running out on 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.'"

I’ll keep this short because it is my first attempt at posting by Droid and my fingers are getting sore. But here is how the world gets good news by twitter ….

@KingJames 17 Miners Rescued, 16 To Go. Let's Go!!

@MotherJones “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell,” don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. http://tumblr.com/xlvllhbvh #dadt

I find myself in a much better mood today.

Observations from the Bar 10.8, the Phillies

An early Friday evening finds me wearing my Phillies jersey in a local Village bar surrounded by melancholy Mets fans and Yankees fans suffering from the usual superiority complex. This later group just seems to be begging for a dose of my Philly charm. I mean seriously, their team won one game and they think they already won the series. Excuse me! Whose team had the no hitter in game 1? Than they tell you how many World Series the Yankees have won over the years. Really guys I only care about last years and I want revenge for that so bad I can taste it.

Brian Anderson and Joe Simpson are announcing the Phils game. Who the hell are they and how did they get the job is all I want to know. I sense a payoff has taken place somewhere. It’s bad enough TBS gets all the games in this round but than to have poser announcers is just offensive. One early line tempts me to ask the bartender to turn off the sound. “The Reds are going to have to score runs to win.” No shit Einstein!

This bar has become my fav place to watch my sports when I can’t watch at home. Plenty of TVs and Corona on tap, what more could a sports loving girl ask for? I have worn my Flyers jersey, my PSU jersey, and my Phillies jersey here and never get anymore smack talk than I am willing to dish back. I can yell as much as I want and curse just as much and nobody gives me a second look. Not that I curse much, I am after all a polite girl.

Two innings, two errors, a wild pitch, and down 4-0. Not at all how I thought the Phils would start the game. We just totally suck tonight.

I don’t know why I feel so comfortable in this bar. It’s just inside the Village but really as close to blue collar type of place as you are going to get in this part of the city. Mostly filled with middle aged and older people but damnit it has the TVs. I remember the first time I walked in. I was looking for one game or another, couldn’t find it on any of the usual spots because the Lady Gaga vids are playing. I saw it through the front window as I walked by and almost screamed. I just walked in and sat down, ordered a beer, and proceeded to yell at the TV. Hey black clad lesbian sports fan walks in and starts yelling what’s not to like? But I have never heard a bad comment, any tasteless jokes, really nothing to make me feel the slightest bit out of place. So maybe the answer isn’t that hard after all. With beer, peanuts, and sports anything is possible. We can all get along.

You would think after the last four years I would have learned never to give up. It’s never too late for this team. Yet tonight I did begin to lose faith, it just didn’t seem possible the game was going. But they make me pay every time I waver and did it again tonight by winning 7-4.

The Veronicas - When It All Falls Apart

Observations 10.5, National Breast Cancer Awareness Month & the Dare

My sister and I are both a bit cocky, ok arrogant might be the word. Little did I know that my mini-me was beginning to take it to whole a new level. When I was at home Saturday she wanted me to take some pics of her for her Facebook and I said I would but if I liked them I wanted to post them too. Well she said I could on one little condition.

Now a some background is needed here. We both get our personalities from our mom, Sean and my dad are both totally laid back. Over seven years ago my mom passed away from some form of abdominal cancer, I don’t know that I ever did know the name of it. I do know that it was the beginning of one of the worst stretches of my life.

This being National Breast Cancer Awareness Month K came up with this. I had to do a photo of myself relating to that, I had to show some skin (her exact words), and I had to post it. Basically she was daring me to do it and a dare is a terrible thing to waste. So here is the result, I call it ‘the Dare’ (l).

















National Breast Cancer Awareness Month educates women about the importance of early detection. More and more women are getting mammograms to detect breast cancer in its earliest stages. As a result, breast cancer deaths are on the decline. Encourage the women in your life to get mammograms on a regular basis. For additional information, please call one of the following toll-free numbers: American Cancer Society,(800) 227-2345, National Cancer Institute (NCI), (800) 4-CANCER, Y-ME National Breast Cancer Organization, (800) 221-2141

National Breast Cancer Awareness Month

Observations from the Library 10.4

After my last post about the recent teen suicides (l) I started to write about when I was the dark arrogant jock artsie teen but I didn’t get it finished before I made a rushed trip home to my dad’s over the weekend. It was a planned rush so nothing bad there just that I drove home Saturday morning and back to the Village Sunday morning. I drove home to surprise my sis at her homecoming field hockey game. My brother had done the same the night before and the plan was for both of us to get there at the same time but it wasn’t meant to be. I decided to put my teen post on hold so I could write a little about my family.

My one time little sister will be 18 soon and ‘the Kid’ will be graduating from Penn State in December so odds are we will end up farther apart than we are now. I don’t see either of them nearly as much as I would like to, I’m just used to one or the other always being there and that hasn’t been the case since I moved up here. And than there is my dad, the quiet one, but the one I talk to every day about something or about nothing at all.

I learned a long time ago that my family is more important to me than anything else. As bad as things got in my life at times I never doubted my mom and dad would be there for me. They never once disappointed, not ever. My mom was gone before the worst of it but I knew exactly what she would have done. The same thing she did on many other occasions. Hug me with one arm, hand me a cup of coffee with the other, and than sit down and talk. She always seemed to have the perfect words to calm my overheating brain. My dad has been there though it all and now somehow seems to channel my mom because he seems to always say the right thing now. He has either gotten highly profound or I just started listening to him more. I'm not sure which it is but it works either way. On the other hand I can probably guess what he would say, I started listening.

And than there are the other two, the ones who just the thought of can bring a smile to my face. In a weird way they drive me to do better because I always want them to be proud of their illustrious older sister. Now I don’t know if they are always proud of her but, damnit, they will not forget her. It always seemed like my brother was pulling me up when I was down and than my sis would push me forward. And now my sis is my equal in so many ways. I say I want them to be proud of me but in the end it is I who couldn’t be more proud of the two of them.

I don’t know why I felt like writing this. It isn’t anything I haven’t written before here or there in this thing I call my blog, I just felt like saying it again. Partly as a reaction to those suicides I wrote about and partly because the four of us spent that all too rare day together over the weekend.

And how was the weekend? It was rather nice other than the fact my sis almost got kicked out of her game before it even started because she was arguing with the refs. I don’t know where she gets that cocky arrogant attitude from.

Apocalyptica ft.Gavin Rossdale - End Of Me

Observations from the Window 9.29, on the Recent Gay Suicides

Sometimes I get caught in my own world and forget that I am also part of various larger communities. I am a woman, I am an artist, and I am gay. I read as much as I can, keeping up with whatever news I find important or interesting, but still I missed something outright terrible happening during the last few weeks. I only know now because of a random tweet I saw and had to look into. “All these gay suicides this week. So much waste in the name of small-minded hatred. Please, reach out. I promise we are listening” said the tweet.

What I found was so disturbing I almost screamed ….

Two weeks ago Bill Lucas, 15, after another day of bullying during which he was told he should kill himself, went home and hanged himself in his grandmother’s barn. A Facebook page set up to remember him includes classmates’ comments making fun of the way he died and calling him anti-gay slurs.
A week ago Seth Walsh, 13, hanged himself from a tree in his backyard after years of anti-gay bullying. And last Wednesday Asher Brown, also 13, came out to his father in the morning, went to school where he had long been bullied for being gay, than returned home and shot himself. It both cases school administrators knew of the bullying but didn’t do a thing to stop it.
The final one I had seen on the news but didn’t know the circumstances. Also last Wednesday Tyler Clementi, 18, jumped off the George Washington Bridge. The Rutgers freshman had been caught on hidden cams having sex with another male student. Two other students posted these videos online. Both have been arrested and could spend up to five years in jail.

Of the estimated 5,000 teen suicides a year one third are gay which means a gay teen is 300 percent more likely to kill them self than a straight teen. The fear of losing friends, be kicked out of their home, and a society that makes them feel as if something is wrong with them all must take a toll. I have no clue and don’t pretend to know what the answer is, or for that matter what the question should be. I just know it’s such a waste, such a god damned waste.

I’m just thankful I had such supportive parents and I can never say how much that meant to me. It’s one of the few things I can’t put into words.

Please read ….

“There are several things that can help reduce the suicide risk factors for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender youth. All of us can make a commitment to making the environment a safer place for them. Heterosexuals who read this can do a lot. Stop laughing at or ignoring the bigoted jokes and insults that are frequently made about sexual and gender minorities. Go a step further and confront those who make these remarks, telling them that you do not find them appropriate. Additionally, you can continue your own education about all sorts of people who are different than you, including sexual and gender minorities. Open your mind and your heart further. Communicate your caring to those around you. Support the struggles of this population to obtain the same basic civil rights you have, the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” Paul Cody, PhD, UNH Counseling Center

And watch ….

Observations from my Bed 9.29

(Consider yourself warned, what follows is my deciphering of some mad 3AM scribbles.)

Is three am late at night or is it early in the morning? It doesn’t really matter at all when your mind won’t let you sleep, just falling into one of those tired but wired moods. After looking at some photos I took earlier today I find I can’t stop thinking.

It was just a little photo job, some portfolio shots for a girl, I had fun and even got paid. But now I can’t get some idiotic thoughts out of my head. Lately I have been so totally immersed in my photography that I haven’t painted, or even thought about painting, at all. I know photography is an art, and a photographer is an artist in every sense of the word, but it just doesn’t have the same feel to me.

It is just so different from painting and not just the instant gratification aspect of it. When I paint a part of my brain takes over that sees things nobody else sees. A photo merely records what anybody can see given the same circumstances and time. In a painting I totally lose myself in a world of colors and emotions, sometimes losing myself for days at a time. When I take a photo I don’t come close to that feeling at all.

What has me thinking is this nagging fear that I am starting to lose that world, lose my ability to dive into it whenever I want. In so many ways that world is my ‘real’ world, the place I can lose myself, the place that I am happiest (other than a full Beaver Stadium on a Saturday night), and at times I just feel like it is all suddenly slipping away. So much is going on in my life that I may need that place more than ever but I can’t seem find it. It is as if I am standing in front of a locked door, reach for the key I always carried, and find it isn’t there.

(Hey, I did warn you.)

Danko Jones - Cadillac

Observations from the Roof 9.25, on Movies I Love

After the Phillies game last night I was up on the roof talking to my neighbor just enjoying the warm night and a few too many beers. The conversation turned to our favorite movies, the ones we know by heart or feel like we can’t do without. Sara’s list was dominated by comedy where mine is way too serious and filled with things that go boom. I'm not sure at all what that says about me, than again I do but I'm not going to say.

So here you go, in no particular order, my list of twenty movies I would want on that proverbial desert island. These are the ones I go back to again and again yet never seem to get enough of. Some of them I do know by heart and some I have certain scenes that I can play over and over. For the record a series counts as one movie. That way I get to take more movies to Kaui, I mean that desert island. I can be awfully sneaky like that but who is going to count?

“Casablanca”, “Rachel Getting Married”, “Lord of the Rings” trilogy (“Return of the King” is the best), “The Matrix” trilogy (the original “Matrix” is the best), “Underworld” both I & II, “Kill Bill” both I & II, “Out At The Wedding”, “”Domino”, “The Hurt Locker”, “Pulp Fiction”, “Gladiator” (makes it on the ‘My name is Gladiator’ scene alone), “Curse of the Golden Flower”, “Almost Famous”, “Dazed and Confused”, “Animal House”, “Bound”, “Kissing Jessica Stein”, “Amour de Femme” (“Love of Women”), “Zwartboek” (The Black Book”), and finally “South Pacific” (yeah I know but one of my mom’s favs and filmed on Kaui).

This is just a list pretty much made off the top of my head so I know I probably missed something I love but these will do just fine. I love movies and when I am at home I have them going in the background almost as much as I do music. So, like a list of fav music, this list could change over night. Also, back in February I did a list of the ten tunes I couldn’t do without so here is a link if you want to check it out (l).

Sick Puppies - Maybe (accoustic)

Observations from the Window 9.24

With my Phillies taking a break last night I found myself sitting on the roof as a simply stunning full moon hung over the city. It was 80 degrees at 9 PM on the first day of fall. I have no idea what, if anything, this means but I do know it was a strange feeling. Waiting for, expecting, even needing that change of seasons but being thrown back into summer with a cold beer in my hand. Thank the gods I didn’t spill it.

But my Phils are amazing aren’t they? A three game sweep of the Atlanta Braves finds them with a 6 game lead and on the brink of a fourth straight division title. It is as if they got to September, a month in which they their record is 15-3 so far, and flipped the turbo switch. With three ace pitchers who are seemingly unbeatable, their best record in twenty years, and 119 straight sellouts at home they are making a serious run at a third straight World Series. I have grown used to this October baseball thing and just love wearing my Phillies jersey in New York.

I know my being such a big sports fan seems bit bizarre. But I look at it this way, I’ll make somebody a totally awesome husband one day.

It is a love that goes way back and I always blame my dad for it. But it is also an escape, an escape for my brain so it doesn’t constantly dwell on the problems of the world and our supposed leaders unwillingness or inability to deal with any of them. It seems to me that sometimes the people of this country just want to hide in the past. A past that isn’t coming back and in fact never really existed in the first place. They want Oz and the Wizard and all they got was Bush and Iraq. Some just want it all but don’t want to give anything in return. They act as if there is no cost to bear but at the end of the night the tab has to be paid. Whether emotionally, physically, or financially the bill will be paid one day and god help us all when it comes due.

But there I go off on a tangent yet again.

Phillies/Mets tonight, the countdown continues.

Incubus - Nice To Know You

Observations from the Edge 9.21.2

If you have read any of this blog before you can probably tell that I can be cynical to the extreme at times and it seems to get worse with every passing day. But after doing some thinking and reading tonight I thought I would add to my previous post (l). Surprisingly my thoughts have a slightly more positive tone now. I wrote that post in the library just after the Senate vote that killed for now the repeal of ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ and showed the world how down right hateful and ugly the GOP can be. That in itself is something positive, they can’t pretend to support the troops anymore when they are willing to hold them hostage to there homophobia. Let the world see them for what they are.

It was also nice to see all the rallying around each other that people did whether in twitter, Facebook, or just through email or talking. Yes talking, that old-fashioned form of communication I shy away from.

Than there is John McCain who said after the vote “This is a blatant political ploy in order to try to galvanize the political base of the other side which is faced with losing an election.” I have to agree with part of that statement. Hopefully the Democratic base was galvanized some today but it wasn’t by any blatant political ploy. It was by seeing what the future holds if we allow ignorant bastards like you to run this country again. And I should add there was a time I liked you some.

And finally there is Lady Gaga speaking at a rally in Maine. Ill just let her words speak for themselves ….

“….I am here today because I would like to propose a new law; a law that sends home the soldier that has the problem. Our new law is called "if you don't like it, go home." A law that discharges the soldier with the issue, the law that discharges the soldier with the real problem, the homophobic soldier that has the real negative effect on unit cohesion. A law that sends home the homophobe, a law that sends home the prejudiced. A law that doesn't prosecute the gay soldier who fights for equality with no problem, but prosecutes the straight soldier who fights against it. Or perhaps that was a bit spun. ... To be fair, it sends home the straight soldier who fights for some freedoms, for some equalities, but not for the equality of the gay ….”

Full Lady Gaga speech on CNN

Observations from the Edge 9.21

You knew it had to happen soon, my venting political side just had to raise its head on this one. In a 56-43 vote earlier today Senate Democrats failed to stop a Republican filibuster on the 2011 National Defense Authorization Act, the first time since 1952 that the bill failed to pass. Now the lockstep nazified Republicans will tell you that it wasn’t because of the amendment that would have repealed ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ but rather a matter of Senate procedure. I honestly can’t believe they can stand there and say with a straight face that it was a matter of Senate procedure. What bullshit.

I cant even say that it was that it was done to once again punish President Obama because the man has been strangely quiet on the issue. So much for campaign promises. Thankfully Vice President Joe Biden tries to keep his. So that leaves only a couple of options. Either the Republicans truly hate gays or they have all been drinking that tea flavored kool aid in the backroom.

I just wanted to write something quick so ill just say one more thing. One day these 43 Senators will have their final hour and when they do I hope each and every one of them can look themselves in the mirror and make peace with themselves. Tell themselves they truly voted their conscience and didn't hold the entire US Military hostage to their damn ignorance and fears. Than I hope they have a fun hot ride down the escalator ....

Alexander (R-TN), Barrasso (R-WY), Bennett (R-UT), Bond (R-MO), Brown (R-MA), Brownback (R-KS), Bunning(R-KY), Burr (R-NC), Chambliss (R-GA), Coburn (R-OK), Cochran (R-MS), Collins (R-ME), Corker (R-TN), Cornyn (R-TX), Crapo (R-ID), DeMint (R-SC), Ensign (R-NV), Enzi (R-WY), Graham (R-SC). Grassley (R-IA), Gregg (R-NH), Hatch (R-UT), Hutchison (R-TX), Inhofe (R-OK), Isakson (R-GA), Johanns (R-NE), Kyl (R-AZ), LeMieux (R-FL), Lincoln (D-AR), Lugar (R-IN), McCain (R-AZ), McConnell (R-KY), Pryor (D-AR), Reid (D-NV), Risch (R-ID), Roberts (R-KS), Sessions (R-AL), Shelby (R-AL), Snowe (R-ME), Thune (R-SD), Vitter (R-LA), Voinovich (R-OH), Wicker (R-MS)

And a special salute to one tard who couldn’t even vote. Sorry you lost in your primary to a wingnut but jesus do your job! Than I guess Alaskan politicians tend not to finish what they start. Murkowski (R-AK)

I'll finish with my fav tweet of the day which says it all,
@Shoq Dear Republican Party: Fuck you

Observations from the Window 9.20

I am a dreamer and I always have been. I guess you could say the down side of that is I am never satisfied because I just never seem to be totally happy with where I am. From the first time my mom took me to New York I dreamed of living here. I could have moved here years ago but I think I was smart in leaving fate decide the when of the move. I’m not sure if I would have survived, both mentally and physically, if I had moved right out of college like Ash did. The girl just amazes me sometimes, the way she seems to own this city and thrives in it. I am not saying it is something I would want for myself, I’m perfectly content to sit in the window and take it all in. But it still impresses the hell out of me.

I knew this time of year would be a big test for me because it was always my favorite time of year in the mountains. I enjoyed the start of a new school year and with it the cool air, blaze of color, and the return of football. Hell I have already made two trips back and we aren’t even through September yet. But one thing I wasn’t at all prepared for was the hold the mountains still have on me, the overwhelming desire to stay. With my brother in his final semester, my job gone, and my friends moving away I just didn’t see this desire coming or think it would. So there must be something deeper than football that keeps pulling at me. It is an almost spiritual feeling, I think coming from the fact that I was happy there even in my darkest days. But that is just totally too deep to think about on a Monday morning.

So now I find myself living in New York but dreaming yet again. I dream of the mountains and see the first color splashed across the trees. But even more than that I now find myself dreaming of Paris. It isn’t a new dream at all, it’s had me sporadically working on my French for years, but it seems to occupy more and more of my thoughts. I have a strange wandering soul that always seems to be in search of something, some purpose in life, some reason. I suppose everybody has that to a certain degree. That desire to write a lasting novel, find a cure for cancer, or change the world for the better.

I can not remember a moment in my life when I didn’t want to be an artist and that was always enough. It was and is who I am and the last time I saw her I promised my mom I would never let go of that dream. But sometimes I dwell on the fact that I survived and if I survived there must be a reason for it. I don’t ever see myself painting my ‘A Starry Night’ running around the Village so now Paris has become my holy grail of sorts. And, as with everything in my maniacal life, I have no idea why.

One thing I do know is I don’t think I will leave it up to fate this time.

Green Day - Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

Observations from Paternoville 9.18

Probably a little bit of inner idiocy on my part, because in a bit more than a day ill have spent eight hours on the road only to find myself at work at the gallery, but I made a solo run out to Penn State for the game today. It was a last minute thing because my brother called and said he had a ticket if I wanted it and I have never been one to turn down a free ticket to most anything. It was a gorgeous top down run across the interstate, so cool I needed a sweatshirt under my leather jacket, but my hair was a knotty mess when I pulled into the parking lot. Than again I was told I looked like I had spent the night in Paternoville so it was all kewl.

Paternoville. I have only spent one night in Paternoville, to many years ago. On the other hand my brother spent almost a week there once before a big Ohio State game a couple years ago. So what is the point? To start you get first crack at the student section seats in Beaver Stadium. The student section holds 20,000 seats but it is first come first served so if you want to be down near the field Paternoville is the best place to start. Plus it’s one hell of a party, but I wouldn’t know about that, just something I have been told. And JoePa himself has been known to stop by and bring food with him too!

I have to admit that as much as I debate where my home is this place seems more like it than any other. I moved away after spending most of ten years here but it just seems to keep pulling me back. It’s as if it owns a part of my soul. My dad made me a sports fan but PSU turned me into a fanatic. You can’t imagine a Penn State football game until you have been to one. Over a hundred thousand people cramming the stadium, the 83 year old JoePa back on the sidelines, the atmosphere just grabs you and won’t let go. Paterno first joined the PSU coaching staff as an assistant in 1950, 60 years ago. Since than the team record is 500-178-7, today was number 500.

I finished the day checking out the women’s volleyball team in Rec Hall. And yes, damnit, I watched the game. The volleyball team has won three consecutive national titles and was undefeated in all three years. The women’s soccer team has won eleven consecutive Big Ten titles. Altogether Penn State teams have won 37 NCAA national championships. And now everything is in place to add Div I men’s and women’s ice hockey. It’s my effing sports heaven is what it is.

But in the morning I will climb into Foxy and drive away yet again.

Sometimes I just wonder.

John Mayer - Waiting On The World To Change