Thirty Days of Truths, Day 16

Someone or something you definitely could live without ....

Why do I find this one so hard? To start I don't want to end up writing about the same person yet again. I have already thought about her way to much since I started this and besides I do live without her. Maybe it's the memory I could do without. As I said before if I could live without somebody I more than likely am living without that person. Seriously it’s just how I am.

So that leaves something I could live without. I could easily live without the Republican Party but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I’m not going to get into that now because it deserves a post all its own and I think it’s going to get one soon.

So now I can't think of a thing I could live without either so I'm going to wing it again and go with a personality trait I could very easily live without.

I'm cocky, arrogant, and a top notch smart ass and I love every minute of it. But the dark side of that is sometimes I don't know when to stop and I end up going too far. If I'm in one of my moods I can get downright nasty. I can't say I ever set out to be mean but it happens and part of it comes from the fact that I can be jealous too. So arrogance seems to have a nasty dark side and I could easily live without that.

Now if I have to give up the arrogance to get rid of the dark side you’re just out of luck.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 15

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it ....

Coffin nails, cancer sticks, smokes, ciggies, butts, take your pick because they all mean the same thing no matter how you say it. Cigarettes. I started smoking cigarettes in high school and have been smoking them off and on ever since. I've tried to stop more than once but with no real success because I think my addictive personality needs something and it has tried much worse. Worse for me over the short term anyway. I know what smoking does to me or is doing to me but I just can't stop for any length of time.

The funny thing about my smoking is I can't stand second hand smoke myself and I wouldn't smoke inside if I could. It makes my eyes water and gives me a headache. No matter what the weather I won't smoke in my 'Foxy' with the windows up because I don't want to ruin the leather but have no qualms about ruining my lungs. In high school I smoked even though I was constantly working out because of field hockey.

I know it is a crutch and I make no excuses for it. I totally understand people who can't stand smoking but I hate when smokers are blamed for all that is wrong with the health care system, poor air quality, and life in general. The recent FDA ruling on cigarette packs seems pathetic to me because I don't think you can scare smokers with graphic photos, I think anybody that smokes knows it's not healthy.

I think it's far from cool to smoke but given the right situation it looks cool in a photo. As long as I'm in the Village I doubt I'll ever quit because it's just what we do. It's just so damn cool.

Another enigma.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 14

A hero that has let you down ....

I don't know that I ever had any heroes per se, I'm not sure my personality allows it. There are painters and writers whose work I love but most of them are long gone. There are photographers whose work I adore but I wouldn't call them heroes. Besides it seems that with any artist a let down is called for, it's just how we are.

I do have answer though and sadly it was much too easy to come up with. During the 2008 presidential election campaign of Barrack Obama so much was said about real change and hope for the future that you couldn't help but believe. But it didn't take long for the euphoria to wear off and the political realities to set in.

President Obama has accomplished much more than he gets credit for but so much more could have been done. Instead too much of his time and energy was wasted trying to be the great compromiser. It doesn’t quite sink into him that those who elected him didn't do so to compromise anything but to bring real change. Instead where are we now? We find compromise defined as do it my way or don’t do anything at all. It doesn’t matter what a majority of the people want or care about it only matters who wins the next election. And than the cycle will repeat itself ad infinitum until the only change comes through complete collapse of the system.

My brother had loaned me his copy of Richard Wolffe's "Renegade" which is about Obama's election campaign of 2008. It's totally a good read but I got part way through it and had to stop. The memory of the campaign compared to the reality of now was just to agonizing to deal with.

And now there is the thought of a President Palin to deal with.

Reality sucks.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 13

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days ....

This is supposed to be a letter but I decided at the start I'm not doing any of them that way. I mean seriously why write a letter that is never going to be sent? But this does give me an opportunity to write about something I always wanted to but never got around to. That's part of the reason I started this truth thing in the first place. Make myself think and write about things I never got around to and cram it all in as the first year of my blogging winds down. OK that and make me not think and write about other things.

It isn't so much a band or artist that has gotten me through hard times, it's just a song. It's a song I have gone back to over and over again when I'm down. At the same time it's possibly the saddest song I have ever heard so the fact that I love it when I'm down makes no sense at all. At times it makes me cry and at others it makes me smile but either way it always seems to help. There isn't any one thing about it that makes it so sad. Not the lyrics, the singer’s voice, or the haunting piano playing under the singing. But the combination of the three owns my soul completely now.

I can't remember when I first heard it or saw the video but I do remember listening over and over to it when I did. The beautiful b&w video was shot in Barcelona and it seems almost as if she is singing from the grave but I was never quite sure. Is it about loneliness, lost love, or death? Five different versions of the song have been recorded and all have slightly different lyrics. It was written by the band's guitarist who appeared in the video than quit the band before the CDs release.

I have friends who just leave me alone when they hear it, knowing damn well what it means. I love this song but I hate it at the same time.

Amy Lee, Evanescence, and "My Immortal" ....

Evanescence - My Immortal

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 12

Something you never get compliments on ....

I was almost ready to blow this on off because I figured how would I know what it was because I wasn't complimented on it. Than I wanted to say it was my ass because I thought this might be the only chance I get to write about my ass but I thought better of that. I would have had to use the word ass too often and that might seem rude.

Well if I am going to be honest here I have to say my eyes. I love my eyes but they rarely get any attention at all. They are so dark brown that at times they appear black and I think most people just believe I am wearing contacts. Add some makeup and they were always oh so perfect for Goth Friday.

I would rather have written about my ass.

Observations from the Road 11.27

So yesterday was Black Friday, either the busiest shopping day of the year or a Friday to wear black. I used to enjoy Goth Friday myself but this shopping you can have. I stayed in and reacquired a forgotten vice in the 'Food Network' and its "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" marathon. Even with it being the day after Thanksgiving I don't think I was ever so hungry in my life.

I had a nice calm week here at my dad's and was in no mood to drive back yesterday as planed so for now in Pennsylvania I remain. I didn't burn the turkey, I did act fairly adult like, I finished some work I had been putting off, hung out with a cousin I haven’t seen in a awhile, and yet managed to consume a decent amount of wine and beer. All that I got to watch enough Flyers games to get me through until Christmas. The one problem is it's seriously getting to that ‘it's to damn cold to smoke outside’ time of year. Never the less I had a pretty damn good week of vegging that sadly must come to an end soon.

My sister had some rather stunning news for the family that I might pass on later and my brother should graduate next month so for a change I melted into the background and just absorbed it all. I absorbed that along with a few bottles of wine. In hind sight I should have known not going Goth was a mistake but than I don't normally like being the center of attention do I?

Black Friday is also the beginning of the run into Christmas and New Years so it has another meaning to me too. It was always my mom's fav time of year and I seem to miss her more at this time than at any other, even more than her birthday. It wouldn't be fair to her to say I don't like the holiday season but I do get dark and moody the closer it gets. I need to stock up on my holiday spirits.

So be forewarned, the ride gets bumpy from here.

My Chemical Romance - Sing

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 11

Something people seem to compliment you the most on ....

This much I know, it's not my warm personality or my fine use of the English language that gets the compliments. At least not those certain words I like to use regularly. I find this sad because I'm proud to be a smart ass and I work hard at it.

Physically I would have to say I'm most complimented on my hair which totally baffles me because I have a love hate relationship with it. I have never in my life had short hair but I always have had days where I just want it was all gone. Depending on my mood I either let it go wild or I spend an hour straightening it only to have it explode a few hours later. If I'm in a hurry in the morning, which I usually seem to be, I just pull it all back and let it hang there giving me that tall dark scary dyke look. But yes people seem to love my hair.

But of anything I get complemented the most on my art. Sometimes I have a hard time with that because it is something I don't like to talk about much. That sounds totally weird for an artist but than I am a totally weird artist so it works.

My art is as much an enigma as I am. My photography is mostly b&w because I love working with the shading and contrast. To me it's just so much more fun than working with color. But when I paint I love to mix my own, as if the thirty shades of blue I can buy aren't enough. I hate abstract photography but I paint in abstract. This summer I saw and fell in love with something I had rarely, if ever, seen before. Stark b&w abstract paintings. So you see even the artsie part of my brain is a bit rebellious.

It is what it is.

Observations from the Kitchen 11.25

The turkey is in the oven as, for the third year in a row, I attempt not to burn the Thanksgiving bird. Sean is shuffling around nursing a hangover after reconnecting with the local bar last night and, in a new holiday tradition, I'm sitting at the kitchen table staring at a soon to be opened bottle of wine. I had to buy my own this year as my dad learned his lesson and didn't buy his Christmas case early this year. Either that or he found a much better hiding spot than the last one.

I promise to act relatively adult like this year or as adult like as I possibly can. I'll try and stay sober until after dinner and no goth makeup to freak the relatives. I always enjoyed that though so maybe just a little around the eyes but the lipstick always makes the turkey taste like dried out crayons. I don't want to freak out the relatives? If that isn't a sign I'm finally maturing nothing is.

So this is where I'm supposed to write some kind of 'what I'm thankful for' post. I could go with the traditional family, friends, and staying out of rehab but I'm not going to. But I want to mention one thing I am thankful for. I may get irritated at him at times because there is so much that needs to be done. But I am thankful Barrack Obama is my President because the alternative is just to damn depressing to think about.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody. 'Thirty Days of Truths' returns tomorrow at its regularly scheduled time.

And now the wine ....

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 10

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know ....

OMG why would anybody in their right mind answer something like this? Besides anybody that knows anything about me knows I don't have to answer this one because if I need to let you go I already did. Chances are I let you go before I needed to and didn't look back. Just another burnt bridge in my collection.

So I'll take the space to explain my mulligan comment in the last post. I remembered later that a mulligan is a 'do-over' in a friendly round of golf. Now I only need my two hands to count the number of times I have played real golf so I forgot it meant that. I was thinking of a soda drinking game we played in college when using a mulligan meant you could skip your turn.

And while I'm at it a bit of Katie trivia for you. I use the term 'burning bridges' all the time so where did it come from in the first place? Actually it was my dad that used it first in the context I always use it in. My dad is a big Clint Eastwood fan and the theme song of his fav movie "Kelly's Heroes" is called "Burning Bridges." I was talking to my mom about my social skills, or lack of, when my dad blurted out 'like so many burning bridges behind you' and I have used the term ever since. It just seems to fit.

".... All the burning bridges that have fallen after me
All the lonely feelings and the burning memories
Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door
Burning bridges lost forevermore ...."

The Mike Curb Congregation - Burning Bridges

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 9

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted ....

I really struggled with this one and I was hoping there was some mention of mulligans in the rules but I don’t see any. I ran this through my brain a couple different ways last night but never got anywhere with it. I know what it means by letting someone drift away. Friends or acquaintances that you share your life with that just slip away for no apparent reason and no matter how hard you try and stop it.

One would tend to think of high school friends first but I didn't have any close friends in high school other than on the hockey team. That was more sports related than anything else so what we shared ended with the final season. I probably could have been voted most likely to be dead or in jail before the first reunion so the only people that wanted to be my friend I didn’t want to be friends with.

College was different in many ways. I had friends and some close ones but I can’t think of any that drifted away. I tended to be hard on friends back than so I always saw the burnout coming and pretty much walked away. But my two closest friends in college are still two of my closest friends today. I lived with one when I worked at Penn State and I live with the other here in the Village.

The closest I can come to this is a girl I met a couple years ago while I was still at Penn State. It sounds funny but it really was one of those another time another place things and we both realized that. She flew off to the other coast just before I moved to the Village so we didn’t so much drift apart as fly. I talk to her a couple times a week so I suppose we are still as close as two girls on opposite coasts can be.

Now I wrote all that and I never did totally answer the question. I'm probably starting to over think these 'truths' but that may be why I originally stated this project. To see if it made me think, really to see what it made me think.

Observations from the Road 11.22

I stumbled onto this video while cruising through tumblr sites. I honestly had to watch it a few times before I finally decided it was real and not some kind of SNL like spoof. I also watched some of the other videos from the channel, vids with titles like 'I'm Happy When Queers Die', 'Homosexuals are a Disease Carrying Nasty Threat', and 'Gay Suicides Happen Because They're Gay.'

I could go on an unbelievable rant here but I’m not going to bother because these people don't make me mad so much as sick to my stomach. It’s just hard for me to believe that there are people in this world that actually think like this. Hell I’m lying because I always knew there were but to see that video on a supposed Christian channel just makes me glad I don’t attach that word to my name. Now the Republicans and there like piss me off but they are in it for a time honored political fact, money. These people just hate. But than that is just another time honored tradition, hate in the name of whatever god you believe in.

It’s people like this that make me proud I don’t have a religious bone in my body.

Besides that the video editing just sucks.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 8

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit ....

Well bloody hell there is no way I can get around this one. I have to be honest, one of the stories of my life seems to be that if somebody makes my life hell they don’t get to do it for long. For better or worse I have a long trail of burnt bridges in my past.

But than there is one person who I can never seem to completely erase from my mind. Maybe that bridge burned so hot it left scare tissue. When I think of her, and believe me I try not to, my emotions can run from one end of the spectrum to the other. If you have been reading you might be guessing this is the girl I should forgive and probably never will.

After dropping so many hints I suppose I should fill in some of the blanks. I met her my senior year at PSU, during the darkest period in my life. We were from the same area so after graduation we began a kind relationship that lasted off and on for years. When we met she had told me she was bi than, after three years, she met a guy and decided that she was no longer bi but straight and proceeded to tell her friends that she had no clue why she had wasted her time with me.

It finally all ended in the big mall scene where she said something that I honestly can't remember but I know included the word dyke. I totally freaked and ended up being banned from said mall for a year. Maybe not one of my prouder moments but one I just have to laugh about when I think about it. As somebody once said it was one of my better badass moments.

She emailed me not long after I moved to New York and seemed to want to talk but I wanted none of it. Not only had I burnt that bridge but I was bitter and was for a long time, I probably still am. Breaking up I could understand but I could never get passed the fact that she totally turned on me.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 7

Someone who has made my life worth living ....

And how the hell do I pick here? To start I'll take my family out of the running. Not that they don't belong but because it is the obvious choice and I would find myself writing about them again, probably starting to piss them off in the process. I don't want to be the topic of conversation at Thanksgiving dinner once again this year.

So where does that leave me? I’m not even sure how to take this one in that could it be someone I have never met but admire? Could be someone long gone such as van Gogh whose work I love and sometimes obsess over? There have been professors who have had a major impact on me and the head of the Art History School at Penn State who always seemed to see something in me that I never did. A couple of old friends who have been through so much with me and have pulled me along, sometimes kicking and screaming, and a newer friend who has become my inspiration and possibly my biggest fan. I just can't pick among them.

So it comes back to the obvious answer. The one person that made my life worth living was my mom and she always will be. Rather than write the same thing all over again I'll quote what I wrote on Mothers Day (l) ....

" .... I owe my mom so much. She was the first one to see something special behind my dark eyes. She would drag me around Philadelphia museums when I was barely old enough to walk. She was the first one to stick my fingers in paint, which was something that ended in quite a mess if I remember it correctly. And the first one to take me to wander the streets of New York and to visit MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) which was one of her favorite places in the world. She always praised my art but was also never afraid to criticize it ...."

A day doesn't go by without me thinking about her and sometimes it seems as if I miss her more now than I ever have.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do ....

You have to be kidding me. I actually thought hard about this one and in the end I had two answers. When I thought a little more I decided that one answer was more about death than about life and the question seems to be more about life so I scratched that one. Yes I'm going to just let that hang there but it's something I think I'll come back to in a separate post.

The thing I hope never to have to do is something I have done before. I never in my life want to spend another night in rehab. Again it's one of those things that you can't totally understand unless you have been there. Yes I needed it and yes it did its job but the withdrawal, loneliness, and the overwhelming feeling of being trapped combined to create a month of hell.

I suppose my personality didn't help. At the center I was in the idea was for you to socialize for support. My problem was I was at my darkest, deepest, anti-social best at that time so I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with my iPod for support. No computer and the only TVs were in the big common rooms which I tended to stay away from. I may be better off because I was there but I'll do almost anything to never be there again.

Now I'm already beginning to see a thread run through this project. As I said earlier it is something that I’ll just never put completely behind me. I have visions of one day being in an old age home thinking omg I'm back, that is if I make it to old age.

Life goes on.