Observations from the Road 12.26

Christmas, nothing quite like Christmas. You have to love a day where it is perfectly acceptable to be drinking with the family before noon, I mean 11AM, oh it doesn't matter so never mind. It's almost like all day indoor tailgating with gifts with bonus of getting to shock the relatives just like on Thanksgiving. The first bottle of wine was finished twenty minutes after I opened it, that was not good. On the plus side I used a meat thermometer for the very first time and I'm so damn proud. Maybe if I ever give up on art I can open a diner, a kinda Goth diner coffee shop hangout kinda place. Guy Fieri could stop by and do a show.

But now back to reality, I woke up this morning and saw blizzard warnings had been issued for NYC. I think a blizzard warning is the NWS's way of saying 'you people are fucked' but they are too polite to say it. As the first flakes begin to fall here I'm keeping my eye on twitter to see what is going on up in the city. Evidently not much as I write this ....

@KeithOlbermann Not much to see here yet, Snowpocalyptically speaking. Still counting # of flakes not # of inches http://moby.to/x46ugo

But it does seem the dreaded snowpocalypse is back for a second year in a row. All I can think is what the hell? I don't remember New York getting hit with all these storms before I moved there but than I didn't pay much attention either. Now I seem to be trapped at my dad's for the time being because I totally refuse to take Foxy out in a blizzard. Actually I'm trying to talk my dad into parking his truck outside so I can use part of the garage to keep her clean and dry. I'm not getting anywhere with that and my best puppy dog eyes don't seem to work on him anymore. Personally I think he is just pissed off that the Eagles game has been postponed, as he said it's just snow.

So for now it looks like a day of eating, movies, and the last of the wine. But I might need more wine.

18:00 update - Watching the Weather Channel, that Samantha Mohr has an awesome hairstyle. Just sayin. Oh and it's still snowing ....

23:00 update - Ash says there is a foot of snow on the ground, more like on the sidewalk in the Village. No buses are running and the power is flickering, which happens to our old building when somebody sneezes hard. As for PA, buses to NYC are cancelled until 9AM and wine is running low ....

23:50 and final update - Foxy is spending the night in the garage, where puppy dog eyes fail tears never fail to do. Now I have to finish my porn discussion on twitter ....

My Christmas Wish

I wish I had woke up and seen a black Ferrari California in the front yard with a big pink bow around it. Yes pink! For the California I’ll even take a pink bow. I’ll be pissed but I’ll still take it.

But seriously, what would I wish upon that big Christmas star?

It sounds kind of lame but I wish we could all get along. I don’t mean agree because that is never going to happen, just get along would be good enough. There are too many damn probs in this little world of ours to argue about every damn thing.

It shouldn’t matter what color your skin is, what party you belong to, whether you are gay or lesbian, catholic or muslim, or believe in the spaghetti monster for christ’s sake. We just have this one little place we call home and it gets smaller every day. It would be so awesome if we all realized that because if we don’t one day soon the whole house of cards will come tumbling down around us and we all will all to blame.

So that is my Christmas wish. Look at that ahole next to you and say heyas and Merry Christmas. Than ask how they are, how their life is going, just talk.

Barring that the California will do just fine ....

Joyeux Noël

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 30

Tell yourself everything you love about yourself ....

Thirty days and this is all it comes down to? No shattering cosmic event to portend events in my future? This sucks! I love way I use the English language, that's what I love about myself. But seriously, everything I like about myself. Well some I have said before and some I haven't but here it is. Day 30 ....

I love my eyes because sometimes they are so dark they look black. And no I don’t wear colored contacts either so don't ask. They always looked so awesome on Goth Friday. I love being tall, I always have, and I like my body too. That's a good thing because with my metabolism it isn't going to change any time soon, besides I know it well. As much as I have a love/hate relationship with it I honestly do like my hair. I never have had short hair and have never really wanted it short, sorry to disappoint some. I love the way it looks wet and I love the way it looks straight but half the time it is neither, it's just a mess. I have a name for that look but I'll keep it to myself.

I love the way my mind works, the way I think and see the world around me. Actually there was a time I thought I was a bit insane until I was told I have four photopigments instead of the normal three, basically the opposite of color blindness. Who knew? As much as I know it can turn people off fast I love my arrogant personality. I also know it's just a cover but I like the softer side it is covering too. I care about things without really trying to, I just do.

But what I love the most about myself is the fact that I can create, I can show what I see. It's something I never like to talk about but I know I have a talent. I love to be able to see something in my mind and be able to share it. Whether sketching it, painting it, or just shooting it. It really doesn't matter to me, I just like to share. I like to be able to take my world and, however briefly, make it your world too. It's a good thing I can because along the way I have killed so many brain cells that, well, Walmart might have been the only other option.

It sounds a bit vain but I suppose what I love about myself is myself. When I look in the mirror I have few regrets. I'm just perfectly happy how I have turned out so far, except those days when I'm not ....

I’m just an enigma.

So there you have it, thirty ‘truths’ in a little over thirty days. I said I would finish it before Christmas and I do believe I have.
Merry Christmas everybody!

U2 - I Believe In Father Christmas

Observations from the Journey 12.23

No words necessary ....

Observations from the Coffee Shop 12.23

Not long ago I wrote a post for truth number 14 in which I said President Obama was someone who let me down. With but one more truth to write I want to take a moment and take that one back. With all the excitement of the last couple days I realized it has been an amazing two years. Maybe not everything I had hoped for but than reality rarely lives up to the dream that created it.

The list is now a long one. The START treaty, 9-11 first responders bill, health care reform, Wall Street reform, hate crimes bill, recovery act, food safety legislation, clean energy legislation, and student loan reform. Plus he appointed two female Supreme Court justices including the first ever Latina one. And far far from least is the repeal of the military's DADT policy.

Yes there is much left to do, still ....

Merry Christmas Mr. President, enjoy Hawaii.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 29

Something I hope to change about myself. And why ....

Can I use location on this one? Why? Because Paris seems to be calling me. Damnit I’ll just think of something else. I knew that was too easy an answer.

I don't think it's ever going to be possible but if I could change anything I would tame that slight flaw in my personality that makes me so damn emo sometimes. A friend recently said I have a 'dark, lonerish, superior, arrogant bitch' attitude and I like that. It's a cover I have worked long and hard at over the years and I believe I may have finally perfected it. But still it seems to fail me at times.

The problem is the fact that under that veneer is a soul that can suddenly be torn with emotion. I'll usually mange to keep it safely hidden away and under control only to have it explode out of nowhere. There are times I don’t even know why it happens but still it does. It can last hours or it can last days than it will suddenly fade away as fast as it appeared. My mom once called it 'the mood' and it's a name that has stuck ever since.

Granted I love to paint when I'm in one of those moods. It's as if I can see the colors swirling around my head and can smell even feel the paint as I put on canvas. At moments like that every creative nerve in my body seems so alive I honestly think I could paint what I see with a blindfold on. It has to be the closest thing to an artistic orgasm as I have ever found.

Maybe I won't change that flaw after all. I mean seriously, who am I to turn down an orgasm?

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 28

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant,
what would you do ....

This probably the only one of the thirty that actually made me laugh. I'm sure it isn't supposed to do that but for my own not so personal reasons it did. Still I suppose I have to answer.

Short answer. Not going to happen.

Longer answer. Short of rape one is about as likely to happen as the other. All I can say is that if either one were to happen I would have to seriously reconsider my ideas on religion.

Me with a child, what a novel idea. Now that would have been one hell of a truth ....

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 27

The best thing I have going for me now ....

I thought I was going to have to think hard on this one but it was actually an easy one. The thing I have going for me now is probably the thing I have always had going for me. I might be the luckiest woman, no, the luckiest person alive. I already know what you are thinking, at best luck is just a word to explain some random happening or at worst just a superstition. But if I am going to believe in karma and fate why shouldn't I believe in luck too?

Hell I had to be lucky just to survive days 3, 8, 20, and 26 in this blogject. But it's way more than just that. I know I have had some low spots in my life but I seem to have this resiliency that let me bounce back every time and I know exactly where that resiliency comes from.

Other than two glaring instances I have always been lucky enough to be surrounded by some amazing and supportive people. They have helped me to always make the right choices, again other than a couple times when I failed miserably. I was born with such supportive parents who were always there when I needed them to be. Profs at Penn State, friends from there, and friends from the Village were and are just as supportive in their own ways. In second life I have met some truly unique and amazing people and found a muse and inspiration.

All these people have one thing in common. They seem to see something in me that I don't see in myself and try and pull it out of me whether I like it or not. Sometimes it goes well and sometimes it doesn't but I have yet to find somebody I truly call a friend that has given up on me. Maybe it is something else entirely but I like to think of it as luck and I think I am very lucky to know any of them.

So yes I'm going with luck, until somebody proves me wrong.

Observations on Art 12.19

One of the things that I think separates the arts from some other fields, such as science and law, is how emotionally based it can be. So much art is created because of emotions, real or maybe imagined but still emotions. Take the emotion out of painting, acting, and even photography and most of the great performances or works of history wouldn't exist. Sometimes we create to teach, sometimes to purely shock, and sometimes just to vent those emotions.

I think this has totally been true all through time. Before the Renaissance most, if not all, western art was commissioned by the church and it mostly shows religious scenes. With the Renaissance came the first depictions of non-religious or even anti-religious things, the first time art had drifted away from the church in almost 500 years. And so shock and awe in the art world was born.

Jacques-Louis David's "The Death of Marat", Goya's "Executions of the Third of May, 1808", and Picasso's "Guernica" all tried to shock the public into an awareness of events of the times. And today we have the storm over the removal of David Wojnarowicz's film "A Fire in My Belly" from the Smithsonian's 'Hide/Seek' exhibit. The film was created after Wojnarowicz's lover died of AIDS and he himself was diagnosed with the disease. His response was anger and he used the anger to create the film.

This has been a way too long way for my art history brain to get to the point. Even though I hide it well I know my brain is fueled by emotion. I tend to act on them before the much smaller thinking part of my brain has a chance to override those emotions. I see something in my mind and create what I see before stopping to think how I might be making another person feel in the process. Not that I care how most people feel about what I do but there are a few people out there in the world that I do care about. Recently I did just that, and hurt the feelings of somebody I do care about.

And I am so sorry.

I really need to think sometimes but it so does my head hurt ....

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 26

Have you ever thought about giving up on life?
If so, when and why ....

Well this is an easy, short, and simple one. The answer is yes.

For the second part of it, if you don't know by now just read back and you should be able to figure it out.

HIM - Join Me

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 25

The reason you believe you’re still alive today ....

I have thought about this a few times over the last seven years. When I finally reached the bottom of the dark hole I had dug for myself I was so far over the edge that I didn’t think there was a way for me to climb back out. So sometimes I honestly do think about this.

The problem is I don't know if I have ever come up with an answer to the question. Or maybe there is an answer and I just have never found it. But I don’t think anybody who is honest with themselves can answer this. How could you ever know? Maybe I’m just taking the meaning of this far too literally because I have been so far down. I sometimes have thought that I have no right to be alive, that I burned all the chips I started with when I was born. It's just one of those dark thoughts I tend to have that I have learned to live with.

In a more real sense I am alive because of my family. My dad stuck by me through the worst of times and that thought keeps me going when I'm down now. I'll always be grateful to him for that fact because I know people who can’t say the same about their families. Sometimes it drives me because I have this need to prove to myself or to him that I was worth it. Than I have my brother and sis who for some odd unfathomable reason always seem to look up to me for the answer. I never quite understand this because I always seem to have few answers and only more questions. But than maybe that is what they are looking for.

I guess you like to think that when you are born you have a chance to accomplish anything you want in life. Sometimes it works out that way and sometimes, probably most times, it doesn't. So you do the best you can and hope that somewhere somebody is proud of you.

Free Hugs Campaign - music by Sick Puppies

Observations from the Window 12.15

I’m just taking a little break from the ‘truths’ here because I’m struggling a bit over these next two. Life, death, and taxes just scare the hell out of me. On top of that I have my horoscope telling me turmoil will swirl around me for the rest of the month. Not that I believe in horoscopes, their just karma’s bad relation, but it seems to be the way it always goes for me this time of year.

The world that is mine just seems a bit turned upside down at the moment. I never got back to my sister’s big Thanksgiving news for the family. She wants to, is going to, join the Navy. Go to photography school there than go to art school when she gets out. While I now think she is as totally insane as her older sister I am still proud of her for thinking it all through on her own. I’ll leave it at that before I end up getting myself in trouble.

Than you have the non artsie member of the triumvirate. My brother graduates from Penn State this weekend ending a long run for us in the mountains. But the little shit has decided he doesn’t want to go to the graduation ceremonies in person. I say little shit in the best possible way because he is six inches taller than me, though I still think I could take him though. I just think he should go to graduation like I did and just sneak a bottle of champagne in under his gown. It isn’t as if the TSA is going to pat him down on the way to the stage.

On top of all this is the normal end of the year Christmas emo mood that I fall into. As always I feel it tug at me, start to pull me down, as Christmas gets nearer and nearer. But I’m going to fight it this year no matter how much alcohol it takes. After all I have a turkey to make and I found a totally kewl recipe for jalapeno cranberry relish that should put some unexpected bite into Christmas dinner. I guess I really should start shopping though, the clock is suddenly ticking faster.

It’s enough to make this tall bish throw up her hands and scream.

But not yet anyway. Not yet ….

Robert Earl Keene - Merry Christmas From The Family

Not that I am going to start posting xMas tunes but that is effing classic. I remember the first time Sean and I saw it, we just had to watch it over and over.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 24

Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose to use
all the songs ....

Again this is supposed to be in letter form but decided not to do anything like that and I'm not going to explain the choices or say who the playlist is for. I know, I'm just no fun at all anymore. This is a condensed version of a playlist I already have on iTunes. It isn't so much that each song means something to me but the playlist as a whole does. All these tunes remind me of somebody and I'll leave it for that person to figure out.

Hey Pretty - Poe
The Scientist - Coldplay
Better - Regina Spektor
Sidedish Friend - Rachael Yamagata
Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
Bed of Black Roses - I Hate Kate
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
Edge of the Ocean - Ivy
Lonely Day - System of Down
Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely) - Pink
Read My Mind - The Killers
Hurt - Johnny Cash
When The Stars Go Blue - The Corrs ft. Bono
Nightswimming - REM
Sick Muse - Metric
Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill
Enjoy The Silence - Lacuna Coil
Skinny Little Bitch - Hole
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
The Story - Brandi Carlile

It's just a little journey through time, enjoy ....

the Playlist

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 23

Something I wish you I done in my life ....

It seems I got past that drug and alcohol post only to trip up on these two could have would have posts. I have to come up with something here because I used up my list option on the last one. Something I wish I had done seems so much harder than the something I want to do question.

My answer is something that came to mind watching my sister in the field hockey playoffs. Sometimes I do wish I had been just a little bit less arrogant in high school. I don't look back on those years as anything really positive and I don't talk to anybody from than other than my hockey coach and that is more because of my sister than anything else.

Maybe times changed some in the ten years between us but my sis just seems to handle it all so much better. I was just so cocky and arrogant and wasn't going to let anybody see any little crack in my armor. I was that dark gloomy (omg!) lesbian on the hockey team and I thrived on it. Looking back I could have handled it so much better but I really did enjoy living on that edge. It was who I was and I guess who I still am so really this is all worthless dribble because I probably would do it the same all over again.

I just think that if I hadn't left high school with the uber chip on my shoulder I might have handled my mom's cancer better and a lot of things might have been different. Than again I wouldn't so much to write about would I?

It is what it is ....

(Only seven more! I can so do this by Christmas.)