Observations from the Window 5.21

Even for the city it’s a beautiful morning outside, one of those rare mornings where even the city air smells clean. The smell of fresh coffee and cut flowers in the shop across the street was so strong I can still smell it on my shirt. But I just sit in the window trying to fight off a somber mood.

After a string of weeks where I seemingly could do no wrong, my mind so positive it started to worry me, I seem to unable to think at all. I sit looking at the street below as my mind spirals down those familiar dark steps and I don’t know why. As if some frayed wire in my mind suddenly sparks to life sending the whole thing into overload. It happens so often that I should understand it better by now but I don’t. I never have been able to figure out the cause.

I have so much to be happy about right now. It’s now only weeks away from my time in Stone Harbor with Fred’s and the beach house. My sister is going to her prom, I’m so proud of her, and that does bring a smile to my face.

But I just can’t understand why I have to be so hard on people. I always have been defensive to a fault. I don’t want to let people in and when I do it seems sometimes I go out of my way to push them back out. Years ago I was told by somebody close to me my sometimes arrogance was just a cover for a deep sense of insecurity. Needless to say I haven’t talked to this person in years.

I need the mountains but they are so far away. Maybe I should just go up to the top of the Empire State Building and see if that works the same way. I wonder how I could sneak my cooler up there.

It’s as if sometimes the gods love me and hate me at the same time.

Karma

tuneage, Howie Day - Collide