Friday, December 17, 2010

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 25

The reason you believe you’re still alive today ....

I have thought about this a few times over the last seven years. When I finally reached the bottom of the dark hole I had dug for myself I was so far over the edge that I didn’t think there was a way for me to climb back out. So sometimes I honestly do think about this.

The problem is I don't know if I have ever come up with an answer to the question. Or maybe there is an answer and I just have never found it. But I don’t think anybody who is honest with themselves can answer this. How could you ever know? Maybe I’m just taking the meaning of this far too literally because I have been so far down. I sometimes have thought that I have no right to be alive, that I burned all the chips I started with when I was born. It's just one of those dark thoughts I tend to have that I have learned to live with.

In a more real sense I am alive because of my family. My dad stuck by me through the worst of times and that thought keeps me going when I'm down now. I'll always be grateful to him for that fact because I know people who can’t say the same about their families. Sometimes it drives me because I have this need to prove to myself or to him that I was worth it. Than I have my brother and sis who for some odd unfathomable reason always seem to look up to me for the answer. I never quite understand this because I always seem to have few answers and only more questions. But than maybe that is what they are looking for.

I guess you like to think that when you are born you have a chance to accomplish anything you want in life. Sometimes it works out that way and sometimes, probably most times, it doesn't. So you do the best you can and hope that somewhere somebody is proud of you.

Free Hugs Campaign - music by Sick Puppies