Saturday, March 20, 2010

ten Weeks in

Just a quick ‘you gotta be kidding me’ kind of story. I’m sitting behind the bar last night, well this morning, taking my final break, sipping the last dregs from a can of Red Bull, and writing on a tablet. Guy walks up to the bar and looks at me, smiles, and says ‘writing?’ I looked up from under my glasses for a minute and finally I couldn’t help myself and just said ‘doh!’ I do not lie. Sometimes people are just hard to believe.

I was having a conversation with somebody a couple days ago and she brought to my attention it’s been ten weeks since I moved here. I really find that stunning. Time has flown by so fast. This all had me thinking last night. I’m still not sure this is what I’m looking for. What I mean is I love it here, I’m happy enough here, but at the same time I sometimes get the feeling I stepped into a round the clock part that starts to spin out of control if I let it.

I really wonder if I have passed the point of no return. I could still go back to Penn State but there are fewer and fewer reasons to do it. And if I did I would miss so many things I have here. I just don’t know.

In ways I feel lonely here which totally amazes me. How can I be surrounded by people everyday yet feel lonelier than I did when I was alone in the mountains? And my family seems a world away. They aren’t much farther from here than they were from State but I have only been home once or twice since I moved. I used to jump in my car and race home at the drop of a hat with hardly a reason too and it always seems like I had only just left. I miss that. Now, when I do get home, my sis looks at me like I have been gone for years.

So ten weeks in do I know anymore than I did ten weeks ago? I guess it depends on the question, and I’m not so sure what the question is.