Friday, May 7, 2010


It’s a totally awesome Clapton tune, it’s a drug, and it’s my worst fucking nightmare.

Unless you have been there you can’t understand how it can take over your brain. You want it, need it, you think you are going to die if you don’t have it. Once it has its claws in you there isn’t anything, anything, you won’t do to get more.

I know because there was a time in my life that it owned me. I know the feeling, the desire. I know what it feels like to wake up in the morning and have a snort before you even get out of bed. I know what it feels like to walk into a dark alley with my hands full of bills, not caring if I walk out, just wanting what is in there. Needing what is in there.

There was a time I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. To be honest there was a time I looked in the mirror and wished I was dead. But that was so long ago.

When I moved to NY one of my worst fears, one of everybody’s fears, was that I wouldn’t be able to resist the temptation. That I would think I would be able to handle it, just once, just to feel that buzz again, the euphoria. Just once can’t hurt. I can handle that. But I know I can’t. Once you have been to hell you really can’t go back for a visit. If you go back it’s for good.

So everyday I struggle with it. What once I paid thousands for I could now easily get for free. But I know I’m better than that now. I know I would disappoint so many people if I went back. Family and friends that stood by me and helped me survive the last time. And new friends who, rightly or wrongly, have faith in me now.

And most of all I know my mom is looking down from somewhere and I really don’t want to disappoint her. I owe her so much.

So it’s almost mother’s day mom, I’m doing my best.

But it’s so fucking hard.

tuneage, Apocalyptica & Cristina Scabbia - S.O.S.

(postscript - So after some sleep I best add a little explanation. In my world i can't help seeing drugs, i can't run and hide in the mountains anymore. Not that I am tempted in any way but I don't have the clear negative reaction that i have had for years. Maybe that's a good thing but I'm not sure. So I just thought I needed to slap myself a little and this was it. Not that I need anybody else doing it so don't form a line !! kt.)