Ever since my ‘lost summer’, and quite possibly long before that, I have had this deep seated fear of failure. It was reinforced a few years later by a failed relationship, OK poisoned relationship. Psychologically I have been told it’s called atychiphobia, which is defined as ‘defined as a persistent, abnormal, and unwarranted fear of failure. Atychiphobes may subconsciously undermine or sabotage their own efforts to prevent having to continue to try, and therefore preventing any potential failure.’ Hmm sounds familiar.
A fear that people won’t like my paintings, my work, my photos, and for that matter they not like me either. I cover it all up with my cocky, some might say arrogant, personality. Now the arrogance has been a part of my personality as long as I can remember, seriously I was prob a cocky baby, it’s the fear that is a more recent addition. Sometimes to the point that it’s almost a fear of the fear. Jesus I wonder if there is a name for that. I know, I’m just totally insane sometimes.
Saturday afternoon something happened that might finally begin to change that. A watershed moment? Somehow I doubt I would go that far. But for the very first time I sold two of my paintings. Seriously some loon gave me cold hard cash for two of my paintings, two that I had painted a few years ago. Neither was one of what I like to call ‘the big three’, one of which is in the right sideboard, those I don’t think I could ever part with.
But anyway I guess I’m not exactly Vinnie van Gogh yet, hell I might be a little crazy but I ain’t dead, but still it’s a start.
So at the moment life is pretty damn good.
tuneage, Audioslave - I Am The Highway