Saturday night I had a very private conversation with a friend of mine. I won’t get into what it was about, that’s just between us, but on my long drive home from the Arts Fest in State College last night I had time to think. Fool that I am I didn’t think of traffic leaving so a close to four hour drive became over five hours. So I had plenty of time to think.
When I was in high school and than into college I was a very proud person. I knew exactly who I was and I was proud of it. Than I fell into some bad times and a lot of that pride drained away over a couple of bad summers. I have had so many changes over the last year one would think that the last thing I would get out of it was a return of that pride. But it seems to be trickling back. Thing is, and what I was thinking about while driving, I’m not so sure I know exactly who I am or what I am proud of. So I started running things through my mind to see what I would say if somebody asked what came to mind when I thought of myself. So for what its worth here is what I came up with. You probably won’t be surprised at the answers but the order.
First I am an artist. I love art, live for it, thrive on it. My art is an expression of who I am. But I need more than just my art. I need that constantly changing spectrum of painting, writing, and photography that is art itself. I think I would die without it. I am constantly looking for new avenues of expression. Next up is a sex blog. Just kidding!
Second I am a woman. A woman with all the desires, passions, and wants of any woman. I feel the pain of women throughout the world whose rights are trampled or have none, who live a second class life for one reason or another. I want to help but, at the same time, have no idea how.
Third I am a daughter, sister, and a friend. I love my family and friends more than anything and would do anything for them. I can be loyal to a fault but I suppose there are worse things in life than that.
Fourth I am an addict, or more to the point was. I can’t explain it if you have never been there but it will always be with me. Something in me that is hopefully gone forever but still always lurking in the background of my life, always to be watched.
And fifth I am a lesbian. This is what surprised me. Ten years ago if you would have asked me who I was I would have said s lesbian without missing a beat. It’s what I was most proud of, who I was, but now it doesn’t seem as important. And to be honest I don’t understand this feeling at all.
And so I asked myself a question and, in the end, came up with a bigger question.
Brandon Flowers - Crossfire
Sixth, you are courageous in sharing! Bless you.
ReplyDeletethank you =)
ReplyDeleteI read this as I rode the train to work this morning. It struck a particularly close chord in me. As a women we are more in tune with feeling, emotion and the world seen and unseen around us. As artists that piece of us is exponentially greater. You will undoubtedly find yourself questioning or just thinking more deeply about who you are at different times in your life. At 44, yes I am that young, I am doing it all over again. But this is a good thing. I had a similar long drive last weekend. My question to myself is always where do I fit into this world?
ReplyDeleteExplorers are driven to seek out the world or even the universe to satisfy the insatiable desire to "find" something new or exciting... to know there is something more than what "is".
Artists do the same from within. Never satisfied with sitting still we must explore perception, emotion and differing realities to satisfy that same need of any great explorers in history. Sometimes we use or abuse to feed that need. I too did that for many years. Rising above that is sometimes a battle we fear will return. Turn that addiction to other things.
You have a gift my dear. You see and feel like no other. And you will find it is an amazing journey.
hell Nikki i don't even know how to answer that other than to smile and say well said :)
ReplyDelete