Wednesday, January 20, 2010

the Mood

As long as I can remember it’s been called ‘the mood’. It comes from a time I was a little girl, yes I was, and was throwing a fit of some kind. My mom asked me if I was in a mood and it’s been called that ever since. It’s as if a dark cloud descends on my brain. It can build over time, so I have some warning, or it can strike without any warning at all. It can last for an hour, a day, or once a whole summer.

Sometimes when it happens I just want to left alone to sulk. Just be my anti-social self. Not talk to another soul and maybe feel a little sorry for myself. At its worst I just hate the world and everything around me. It seems to feed on itself and loves the darkest most depressing music it can find.

Once I tried to describe to a friend how sometimes I can literally see emotions in my head. Not just feel them but see them too. It’s really hard to explain. Almost as if somebody grabbed the contrast knob in my head and gave it a spin. That being said the whole idea of this post was to try and describe what I see when I am in my mood. Now I’m not so sure I can.

Other than a doctor friend of mine I have never tried to put it in words before. I’m not so sure it’s possible without seeming a bit crazy. But than again I have never been one to consider myself normal. I have never tried acid but, ill tell you what, it has to be something like this only in a darker way. Everything is clear and heightened but somehow darker. I guess I just can’t explain it. I read about van Gogh and sometimes wonder what he saw.

Maybe one day Ill paint my own Starry Night


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