(Consider yourself warned, what follows is my deciphering of some mad 3AM scribbles.)
Is three am late at night or is it early in the morning? It doesn’t really matter at all when your mind won’t let you sleep, just falling into one of those tired but wired moods. After looking at some photos I took earlier today I find I can’t stop thinking.
It was just a little photo job, some portfolio shots for a girl, I had fun and even got paid. But now I can’t get some idiotic thoughts out of my head. Lately I have been so totally immersed in my photography that I haven’t painted, or even thought about painting, at all. I know photography is an art, and a photographer is an artist in every sense of the word, but it just doesn’t have the same feel to me.
It is just so different from painting and not just the instant gratification aspect of it. When I paint a part of my brain takes over that sees things nobody else sees. A photo merely records what anybody can see given the same circumstances and time. In a painting I totally lose myself in a world of colors and emotions, sometimes losing myself for days at a time. When I take a photo I don’t come close to that feeling at all.
What has me thinking is this nagging fear that I am starting to lose that world, lose my ability to dive into it whenever I want. In so many ways that world is my ‘real’ world, the place I can lose myself, the place that I am happiest (other than a full Beaver Stadium on a Saturday night), and at times I just feel like it is all suddenly slipping away. So much is going on in my life that I may need that place more than ever but I can’t seem find it. It is as if I am standing in front of a locked door, reach for the key I always carried, and find it isn’t there.
(Hey, I did warn you.)
Danko Jones - Cadillac