Observations from the Window

With the warm sun streaming in i could just curl up and spend the afternoon here. Maybe i will.

Sunday afternoon seems to be the deadest time on the street below. That just seems off to me. may Villagers are religious after all. On Sunday we shall rest. Or maybe its just we got no sleep for three days and cant move.

I'm reading the paper and find that I am getting a new neighbor. Anderson Cooper bought an old firehouse just a few blocks away.

Now I'm not, and never have been, attracted to guys. But if i was, and made a list, i think Anderson would be at the top of it. I think I'll be walking around that block from time to time.

Maybe I need a dog I can walk.

I think the guy across the street is checking me out. I wonder if i should wave or flash him ??

"Buy the ticket, take the ride" Hunter S. Thompson

tuneage

from the window, Queers

We were working in the gallery yesterday when a woman walked in, mid 50s and dressed to black perfection, but seemingly upset about something. In the end it turned out she had overheard a staight couple talking on the street. Something to the effect of ‘I have never seen so many queers before in my life’. This totally upset her and I just had no idea why or what to say. Maybe it was the age difference but I think I would have looked at them and said ‘nice isn’t it’.

To me it’s just a word. My brother will be the first to tell you I ‘am’ queer and always have been. Than again maybe he has something else in mind. Some gays will say it’s inappropriate for any straight person to use the word queer. For them I leave this vid.

Lewis Black

This just seems to be one of those times I’m writing to make myself think. Just trying to understand how that woman felt. I guess I’m just too proud or arrogant to let a word bother me now. Maybe in high school I felt different but today call me what ever you want. The worst thing you can possibly think of. It will just bring that evil little knowing smile to my face. I’ll have to think about all this another day.

For now I’m just a woman who loves women. That works for me.

Tuneage

In a related note, a new activist group, Queer Rising, announced its existence on Martin Luther King Day. Now that is gay.

Sara, part I

“One of the definitions of sanity is the ability to tell real from unreal. Soon we'll need a new definition.” Alvin Toffler

When you spend any amount of time in rehab you spend a lot of time thinking. Hopefully thinking about what got you there and what it’s going to take to keep you from coming back. Sometimes self-pity creeps in because this has never happened to anybody before and it wasn’t your fault in the first place.

The facility I was in didn’t allow TVs in your room. There was a big common room and they would do anything to bring everybody together. But being at my antisocial worst, the summer’s events hadn’t helped matters, I spent a lot of time alone in my room. Besides nobody was going to tell me I had to socialize.

My dad was always an avid collector of music and at the time my ipod was filled with 70s and 80s music. I would sit in my room for hours listening and thinking. Constantly thinking about my past, my messed up present, and my hazy unsure future. Wrestling with my demons that always seemed to be getting the upper hand.

Than one day Fleetwood Mac’s song Sara came on. As I listened I whispered to myself ‘fucking Sara’. And in an instant all my demons, torments, and hatreds had a name.

Sara ….

tuneage

Tunes 126

In which I continue my journey through the dark underbelly of music.

My sister is a big 'American Idol' fan and sometimes sends me emails giving me the highlights of the show. When I saw this vid all I could think of was a clip she sent me with Adam Lambert and Simon saying "What the hell was that?". I think if you took the worst traits of a Vegas lounge act and a pretty boy, shook them together, and pored them on the ground you would end up with Adam Lambert.

When the VJ said Lambert's debut CD was an instant classic I almost gagged on my dinner. The video itself may be stunning but my personal feeling is that the song is just another piece of pop fluff crap that will forgotten in a year or two as the next batch of American Idol winners hits the streets. Or maybe it is just a poor Fall Out Boy ripoff.

"So hot out the box, Can we pick up the pace, Turn it up, heat it up, I need to be entertained ...."

Funny thing was I still felt that way after I heard his tune.

For Your Entertainment

Question, Have you ever been to a bar/restaurant that had baskets of fortune cookies on the tables ??

Techno

For the longest time I worked in a techno club in sl. One of my oldest friends in sl became a dj and still is. Now I like almost any style of music. I don’t go a minute in the day without something playing in the background. But I never did understand the different styles of electronic music. Maybe because before I had worked there I had never listened to any of it. And, truth be told, I still can’t stand some of it. But with the clubs in the Village I keep running into new styles and sounds so I was reading an article about techno music and found a list of styles. This is just a partial list ….

ambient house, ambient techno, dark ambient, psybient, breakbeat, big beat, nu skool, progressive breaks, eurodance, eurobeat, spacesynth, acid jazz, chillout, new age, new jazz, trip hop, electro backbeat, electro pop, europop, euro trance, hardcore, darkcore, breakcore, speedcore, terror core, house, acid house, electronica, freestyle, progressive house, tribal house, techno, synergy, industrial, ambient industrial, death electro, dark industrial, death industrial, electro industrial, industrial metal, jungle, transcore, darkstep, neurofunk, cybermetal, darkwave, electro rock, electropunk, new wave, synthpunk, acid techno, minimal, tech house, tech trance, acid trance, dream trance, euro trance, hardstyle, new rave, hardcore breaks, rave breaks ….

And my personal fav that I think the world could do without, christian industrial.

I still don’t get it and it makes my head spin.

tuneage

Thoughts to the Day

I had an appointment today with a doctor friend of a doctor friend. My friend gave me her name and said ‘you know. Just incase’. So on this rainy morning, when I just as soon have stayed in bed all morning, I crawled onto the bus and went to meet this person ‘you know. Just incase’. So we had one of those ‘nice to meet you may I pick your brain conversations’ for fifteen minutes.

Now I’m sitting in my window watching the wet street and thinking about two things she said.

“What do you want to do with your life?” and “If you have to ask yourself, should I do this? Then you probably shouldn’t”. Two simple sentences that have oh so much meaning to them.

The first one is easy. Since I first picked up that pink crayon I’ve wanted to be n artist of some kind. I always thought I was born to be one. That being said what makes an artist? Do I have to be a successful artist and earn a living from my art? In the end I paint for myself. I try to tell myself that I don’t care what anybody else thinks but I know that’s not true. I care to a certain extent and I love when somebody enjoys something I did but really what matters is that I like it myself. So do I paint Elvis or little dogs on velvet and make some money to buy things. Or do I do what I love and have more of the things money can’t buy? I think I know the answer to that.

The second one is a little tougher. Not a question but a statement. For most people it’s probably a no brainer. But for me, with my history, if I lived by that statement I’d have never done half of what I have done. I know that when she said it she was talking about lifestyle choices or such earth shattering things. But as I look out the window my mind wanders to everything and anything. If I lived my life by that statement I wouldn’t be sitting in my window writing this I’d be in the mountains. No I’d be living at my Dad’s. No I’d be ….

So I’ll add my own statement of the day ….

Life is for real, there’s no rehearsal ….

tuneage

Off the Top of my Head

Continuing a trend ….

I want to own a motorcycle.

I want to spend the night in a sleeping bag on the 50 yard line in Beaver Stadium. Than watch the sun come up over the mountains. I want a house in the mountains. Or maybe on the beach, or the mountains, or ….

I want to drive really fast. No I’m talking really fast! I want to break a windshield with a sledge hammer, but not mine.

One day I want to do something for the people that helped me in rehab. Something that means as much to them as what they did meant to me.

I want to learn to bake. No not learn to sew but learn to bake. I like food i don't like the thought of sewing.

I want to fly fish in Montana and lay naked on Kee Beach on the north shore of Kauai.

I want to paint a painting that a hundred years from now will be considered a masterpiece. I have no idea how Ill know I’ve done this. And I also know this is a little presumptuous and maybe a bit vain. but Whatever.

I want to make a really good cup of coffee and play in a poker tournament in Vegas. Go to carnival in Rio and Oktoberfest in Munich.

I want to sit on a bench outside the Louvre and smoke a cigar.

tuneage

Tunes 122

So I was toying with the idea of doing like music reviews. Than that morphed into what i thought a song meant. Which begat this. Just a tune of the moment with no meaning what so ever. Doesn't mean I like it doesn't mean i don't. Whatever ....

So for the very first time I geek from a bar in the Village. Tequila, Corona, and my lap in front of me. My 'agent' be damned. So I'm looking at the 7 foot wide screen and see these lips come on the screen. At the moment all i can think is this. My goth, metal, head banging life has devolved to this. Electro Euro Syn Pop Shit.

Where the hell did I go wrong ....

But she is kinda cute ....

La Roux

Passion

"Passion is universal humanity. Without it religion, history, romance and art would be useless." Honoré de Balzac

What exactly is passion? Or what would a life be like without passion?

I’m passionate about art, any art at all. Art, music, film, architecture, sculpture it doesn’t matter. Of course painting is my favorite form but I love anything artistic. Artistic expression takes many forms. I seem to surround myself with passionate friends. Whether for film, art, field hockey, sports in general, or that driving desire to know why something is. I’ve known people so passionate about one work of art (or one style or one artist) that they devote their entire life to studying it.

Some people are said to passionate about life itself. Is that possible? Are we born with our passions already hardwired into our brain or does it develop over time?

“Passionate - having, compelled by, or ruled by intense emotion or strong feeling”

To often showing emotion is considered bad or almost a sin. The real sin is suppressing that passion of your youth deep inside you until it dies. The real crime refusing to say what needs to be said, to do what needs to be done, or to feel what we actually feel.

It is said passion is food for the soul and feeds inspiration.

I think I asked more questions than I answered ....

tuneage

the devil and Rush update

original

just thought i would share .....

"I have been to Haiti way, way back a long time ago when it was a cruise ship stop, Port Au Prince, and I've seen pictures of Haiti. It is a devastatingly poor place. Nothing has ever changed, and right across the mountain ridge in the middle you've got the Dominican Republic, which is like night and day. It's like night and day. What is the one common factor. That place, Haiti, has been run by dictators and communists. How long is it going to be, how long is it going to be, before we hear Obama and the Left in this country say that what we really need to do is reinstate the communist Aristide to the leadership position down there, to coordinate putting the country back together. The Haitian economy is entirely dependent on foreign aid. They produce nothing, zilch, zero, nada, and it's been that way for the longest time." Rush Limbaugh

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And they kicked the French out. You know, the Haitians revolted and got themselves free. But ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other. Desperately poor. That island of Hispaniola is one island. It's cut down the middle. On the one side is Haiti; on the other side is the Dominican Republic. Dominican Republic is prosperous, healthy, full of resorts, et cetera. Haiti is in desperate poverty. Same island. They need to have and we need to pray for them a great turning to God." Pat Robertson

".... They are the scum of the earth, and there is no merit in allowing their inclusion in the national conversation to continue.They are free to say it. We are free to shout them down. The time has come."

amen

the scum of the earth

tuneage

the Mood

As long as I can remember it’s been called ‘the mood’. It comes from a time I was a little girl, yes I was, and was throwing a fit of some kind. My mom asked me if I was in a mood and it’s been called that ever since. It’s as if a dark cloud descends on my brain. It can build over time, so I have some warning, or it can strike without any warning at all. It can last for an hour, a day, or once a whole summer.

Sometimes when it happens I just want to left alone to sulk. Just be my anti-social self. Not talk to another soul and maybe feel a little sorry for myself. At its worst I just hate the world and everything around me. It seems to feed on itself and loves the darkest most depressing music it can find.

Once I tried to describe to a friend how sometimes I can literally see emotions in my head. Not just feel them but see them too. It’s really hard to explain. Almost as if somebody grabbed the contrast knob in my head and gave it a spin. That being said the whole idea of this post was to try and describe what I see when I am in my mood. Now I’m not so sure I can.

Other than a doctor friend of mine I have never tried to put it in words before. I’m not so sure it’s possible without seeming a bit crazy. But than again I have never been one to consider myself normal. I have never tried acid but, ill tell you what, it has to be something like this only in a darker way. Everything is clear and heightened but somehow darker. I guess I just can’t explain it. I read about van Gogh and sometimes wonder what he saw.

Maybe one day Ill paint my own Starry Night

tuneage

Things

I Love ....

To wear black and look at bright shades of blue. A cold Corona with a lime rubbed on the mouth of the bottle. A good cup of coffee. The sound of the ocean rolling onto the beach and the smell of the mountains. A wood fire.

B&W photography and fireworks. I love being the loner and talking to friends. Candles and waking up in a dark bedroom wrapped in my blanket.

Long hot showers ….

Warm cookies, seafood, everything bagels, and hot spicy foods. Movies that go boom. Shakespeare, Bruce Willis, and ‘24’. I love to read when I have time, the SyFy network, and MSNBC.

The feel of soft leather on my bare legs ….

Gazing at the full moon on a cloudless night and lightning. I love driving my beetle ‘Foxy’ on the interstate with top down. Female bass players, loud music, and the quiet of a soft snowfall.

My family, my friends, and wearing leather jackets. Always wearing leather jackets.

I love my art ….

I seemingly love life more everyday

tuneage

the Mountains

It’s been barely three weeks and it seems I miss my mountains already. State College was basically built in the geographic center of Pennsylvania. The gods only know what they were thinking. But drive fifteen minutes in any direction and you can be lost in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

I love those mountains. In the spring as everything begins to turn green. Almost a green haze seems to be floating in the air. The hot humid summers when the air is so thick and hazy you can almost reach out and grab it. In the fall the trees change into colors almost unimaginable. And the cold crisp winters when the air is clear and deer run around looking for food.

I’ve walked alone through those mountains for almost ten years. I’ve sketched in them, drank in them, and sat and read in them. OK I’ve done some things I’m not going to mention in them too. But most of all I would just sit for hours and think. I’d sit and clear my brain of all the crap that would build up in it. Looking around amazed at the beauty of something so simple but yet so stunning.

It’s something that’s really hard to explain.

“You can take the girl out of the mountains, but can you take the mountains out of the girl??”

I don’t know the answer to that yet. Time will tell.

I miss them. They keep me sane ….

tuneage

Upon further Review

Yes there are 444 bars listed in the yellow pages for the Village. Of which 5 are listed dance clubs, 18 are night clubs, 20 are rock clubs, and at least 25 are gay bars.

There are 38 music stores, 35 movie theaters, and 34 theaters.

There are 1388 restaurants listed. Of which 145 are Italian, 93 are Chinese, 88 are pizza joints, 41 are Mexican, 21 are seafood (but the South Street Seaport is just a bit farther), and 20 are Thai.

There are 205 galleries and art dealers, 20 art supply stores, and (omfg!) 217 artists listed, along with 34 artist agents. Hell that's just the yellow pages. I'm in deep shit here.

I have alot to do ......

tuneage

The Devil and Rush Limbaugh

Pat Robertson has might have an excuse. He is just a tired and scared old man. There is no excuse for Rush Limbaugh. Even a recent hospital stay, and his newly found fear of death, didn't make him any less a jackass. Maybe he did indeed make a pact with the devil herself.

Yes Limbaugh opened his face and told people not to donate to Haitian relief. He said that you already have through your income taxes. He said, if you donated through the White House website, your name would just end up on a DNC mailing list. Guess he didn't notice the link leads directly to the American Red Cross site. So no asshole, President Obama isn't going to steal the donations. Maybe you should just crawl back into that hole you crawled out of and leave us all in peace.

Lets just hope the only people who listen to Limbaugh are the ones who waste their money on his books. I suppose that is more than enough.

I saw these two emails as responses to a Cafferty question on Cnn.com :

"Technology has made it so younger people are now donating. I'm 17 and I donated through texting. I would of never donated any other way because I don't know how. But I do know how to text."

"I'm going on 61 and this was the first time I texted something to something else to donate money for a cause. That has to count for something."

Also so far it's estimated Americans pledged more than $8 million via text message to the Red Cross alone.

Sometimes I am proud of us ....

tuneage

Observations from the Window

Pillows and blankets are wonderful things.

I only brought along five leather jackets. Seems I need more.

There don't seem to be many people on the street at 2 AM. But than again most bands play till 2 or 3 and last call is at 3:45 so maybe everybody is just snug in their bar stool.

Lady Gaga seems to be blaring from every speaker and wall sized monitor in the village. Oddly I don't seem to mind it but, at the same time, it makes me feel str8er than I ever have in my life. But, emm, guys don't bother. I aint feeling that str8.

In the yellow pages for the Village/Soho area there are 444 bars listed and only 93 chinese restaurants. That's too damn much Lady Gaga and not enough General Tso. There are 21 bars in all of State College. So it seems Ive either moved to heaven or hell. I'm really not sure which yet.

If you want to sleep don't drink Bull Breezes. Red Bull, vodka, and a tiny bit of cranberry juice.

I should turn off Anderson Cooper. The Haiti earthquake just makes me want to cry ....

But yet I'm glued to it

Send a $10 donation to the American Red Cross by texting ‘Haiti’ to 90999

tuneage

David Reed

Tonight I attended a pre-opening event at Peter Blum Gallery in Soho. I'm not about to do this for every event I go to but it was the first and his work is totally kewl. I especially liked the working papers. I tend to doodle and write notes in a sketch book when I'm painting but I never really thought about how somebody else might do it.

Excerpt from show release

"Well-known for his abstract paintings, the working drawings and color studies provide a rare glimpse into David Reed’s process and contemplations. The color studies display Reed’s experiments with color, light, and form. Works such as “Color Study #27? exhibit his signature winding, wrapping, rhythmic ribbon-like shapes, and lay the groundwork for the paintings. While the working drawings, ultimately, provide a kind of diary of the artist and each painting, recording Reed’s deliberations and struggles with the work over days, or even years. For example, in “Working Drawing #295-3? Reed writes, “3/19 Thought at first that this would work – no longer sure.” Likewise, they contain a biographic and personal element, chronicling events in Reed’s life, from studio visits to protests occurring outside his window. Made on grid paper, the working drawings possess the qualities of an architectural drawing with schematics outlining compositions and dimensions, or a scientific journal with detailed notes on decisions made regarding color. Just as Reed turns his paintings as he works, he turns the drawings, resulting in writing that is at times upside down or sideways."

Oh and there was champagne !

David Reed Studio

Peter Blum Gallery

Dream Gurls

First day at my new job and I'm in a silly mood so i give you this. My top ten Dream Gurls in no particular order.

1. Anne Hathaway - just let me set eyes on her and life will never be the same. Rachel Getting Married is fast becoming my fav movie.
   
2. Britney Spears - please just don't ask
   
3. Rachel Maddow - Host of The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC
4. Emma Anzai - bassist for the band sick puppies
5. Christina Scabbia - lead singer for the band Lacuna Coil
   
6. Amy Lee - lead singer for the band Evanescence and of my fav song My Immortal
7. Kate Beckinsale - emmm Kate, Selene, whichever whoever
   
8. Cathy DeBuono - actress, Out at the Wedding, and host of web-show The Gloves are Off on SheWired.com
9. Kate Moennig - yes Shane from The L Word
10. Morgan Webb - producer of G4 X Play and host of G4 Underground

I'm sure I'm missing many more but I only have one life and limited time available. So I better get moving. And no I haven't been drinking !

gallery

tuneage

(12.14.2010 update - sorry but i deleted this gallery)

A Starry Night

"I often think that the night is more alive and more richly colored than the day."
Vincent van Gogh

After years of studying this artist and that I find myself drawn more and more to van Gogh. He believed art was a form of expression in that it was an emotional and spiritual experience for him. Maybe that’s what draws me to him or maybe the fact that he was insane. Van Gogh was a heavy drinker and tobacco user which exasperated his mental illness. He didn’t get along with other artists.

A Starry Night is a perfect representation of the Post-Impressionistic style of painting. With its swirling colors and lines it incorporates not just the color and light that is found in the earlier works of these painters, but shows how forms and feelings also came into play. Swirls were applied so thickly in this painting that the paint itself cast shadows. His heavy brushstrokes and vivid colors portray the night sky as crazy and chaotic and the village below as peaceful and serene. It’s been debated whether the swirling sky represents his state of mind when he painted it. For van Gogh art was not a black night sky over a small town art was a personal expression of how he felt when he looked at the sky over the town. This is significant in that his ‘interpretation’ made him a pioneer in the modern movement of artists.

A Starry Night was painted in June 1889. Just over a year later, in July 1890, van Gogh walked into a field with a revolver and shot himself in the chest. He died two days later.

It’s been said there is a fine line between genius and madness.

A Starry Night

tuneage

Rant of the Day

I just read this and I don’t know if I was ever so disgusted in my life. I don’t know why it should bother me because I’ve seen much worse. Just something about the smugness of her struck a nerve.

"My position on gay marriage is well documented--and though I am totally against denying any American legal rights and protections that another is privy to, I have reservations about going as far as gay "marriage."

Here are the two questions that comprise the basis of my hesitation:

First, if gay marriage is made legal, could the ACLU and others of their diabolical ilk sue a Christian/Catholic/Mormon/Muslim church that refused to marry a gay couple due to religious conviction/beliefs? And would the SCOTUS have to uphold a ruling because of the new found legal status?

Second, yes...sorry...the dreaded "slippery slope" argument. What about polygamy? People that claim they were born loving more than one--that feel it's their calling? Or a group that feels as if cousins--or half brothers and sisters should marry? If we broaden the definition of marriage, how do we determine when to stop? How is it fair to allow two men to marry but not a man and two women?"

tard

Don't even read the comments that go with it or you may have a prob keeping your breakfast down too.

Unless you are gay I don’t see what the big deal is with gay marriage. No body is going to put a gun your head and force into one. If you don’t like gay marriage there is a simple answer. Don’t have one. But don’t get all high and mighty and tell me I cant. When compared to things like war, health care, and the environment gays getting married shouldn’t even be an issue.

Thursday the New Jersey senate rejected a bill that would have legalized gay marriage in the state. A day later the Portuguese parliament passed a bill allowing gay marriage becoming the sixth European nation to do so. Gay marriage is also permitted in Belgium, the Netherlands, Spain, Sweden, Norway, and Canada. Maybe one day this country will catch up with the rest of the civilized world. But somehow I doubt it.

I love the line "Did I vote on your marriage?"

tuneage

The Window Seat

It’s a tiny three room apartment with a bedroom that barely holds my bed. With creaky steps and a door buzzer that sometimes doesn’t work right. Lower Manhattan rent. It all doesn’t seem worth it. Except for one thing …

The window seat

It’s almost two feet deep and crammed with pillows. The seat is long enough for even me to curl up in. Three floors above the street it is high enough to give a feeling of privacy but yet low enough to see the faces of people as they pass by. And there are always people. Anytime of the day or night there are people going who knows where. It sounds corny but it really is a city that never sleeps.

To sit in the seat is to enter a whole diff world. Even as people and cars rush by time itself seems to slow down. Whether reading, or writing, or just sipping a drink your mind starts to wander. What was, what is, what might be. The future seems a lot clearer and the past not so far away.

Sometimes I just look out the window and smile ….

tuneage

Inspiration

“For my part I know nothing with any certainty, but the sight of the stars makes me dream.”
Vincent van Gogh

Inspiration is a funny thing. It can come from something good or bad. Love, hate, a song, a word, the color of the morning sky, or the stars at night. I suppose all art is inspired by something. I never thought that way but looking back at my work I see it is true. I mean even a photo is inspired by what you are seeing.

Of my three fav paintings two were done years ago when I was still an undergrad. One I call ‘Dark Shit’. It was painted just after I got out of rehab and is painted in grey undertones with swatches of black and red over top. Still dazed and confused from a summer in hell it is if I stood back and threw my demons on a canvas hoping to trap them there.

Not even a year later I painted the blue painting on the sideboard. ‘Elephant Rose’. Totally diff from the dark one it is all bright shades of blue. Inspired, if anything, by the sheer joy of survival and putting some of the dark times behind me.

What I never experienced before was a continuing inspiration. In the past year I have done a dozen ‘quality’ sketches, one painting, and picked up my camera again. All inspired by the words, and just desire to see, of a good friend. What was an off handed comment about a rough sketch became a months long project ending in my third fav painting ‘Gurl Parts’. A summer vacation became an overdue artistic release of charcoal. I picked up my camera again just to see if she was right. And I started taking dozens of pics in sl partly in competition but mainly just to her reaction.

Probably the biggest body of work I have ever done in such a short period. Inspired by a my friend.

Thanks

tuneage

Addiction

I was an addict. I *am* an addict. It’s a very hard thing to say but its true. It's something that, once you have been there, you never totally leave it behind.

I have an addictive personality. It has taken many forms in my life from cigarettes to Ben & Jerries Cherry Garcia to, at times, sl. But its also left me with demons Ill forever struggle with.

I left myself in a pit so black I never thought I would be able to climb out. I’ve spent a month in rehab and almost wrecked a car. The police found me sitting on the hood of my car in a ditch. I think I waved. I burned through a years worth of tuition money in a month. So in other words I’ve been to hell and I know what it looks like.

The memory becomes the backdrop that you forever look at your life against. Little things that bother other people I shrug off as nothing. Than I’ll blow up over something trivial because it sets off something in the deepest darkest part of my brain. Some people think I’m down right crazy.

I tend to use the word ‘karma’ now.

I’m thinking Amy and I have a lot to talk about ….

tuneage

How

How did I end up here? Waking up in the middle of the morning to the sound of sirens in the street instead of the peace and quiet of the mountains of central Pennsylvania?

I always loved NY. Since the first time my mom brought me here when I was a kid. And yes there was a time when I was a kid. At times it seems so long ago. This city, and especially the Village, always had a hold on me. I don’t think a year has gone by since that first trip that I didn’t spend some time here. The museums, galleries and later the music and clubs. The crowded streets at three in the morning. I don’t think there is another place quite like it anywhere.

I met Ash my second year in college and we have been good friends ever since. That in itself says something about her because I have no idea how she could put up with me all this time. When we graduated she headed right for NY while a muddled along for years working on my masters.

All along my plan had been to move up with Ash after I finished my degree. But things never seem to go as planed and I was offered an almost perfect job at Penn State. I had to think long and hard about it but, in the end, it was just too good an offer to pass up. I did some teaching, met new people, and got to spend a lot of time with my brother who is now a senior there.

Than this past summer I spent some time with Ash and at the gallery she works at. I met the woman who runs it for the Swiss owners and ended up going home with a loose job offer. I think I spent two months torn over what to do. I remember somebody saying “I can't figure out if this is the gods dropping another gift in your lap, or the gods tempting you to fuck everything up again”. This was exactly my problem. The hold the Village has on me against my job at Penn State a place that has almost an equal hold.

In the end I had to do it or spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been. So here I am with the sirens blaring.

Hey I can always go back to the mountains …..

tuneage

Lessons

A few lessons Ive learned in my first days up here ....

1. Bars being open on a Sunday is a blessing and a curse. I mean even I need a day to say 'oh no I'm not gonna today'
2. I need a smaller bed ! And with that I'm to effing tall to live here !!
3. I procrastinate and sometimes it kicks your ass. I wanted to have a new portfolio together before I moved and alas I didn't do squat. So now I have this week to do it if i want it finished before I start work. grrrrrr

tuneage

Me

emo. A word from hell. Yes I can be emo. I have a short temper that i have been know to lose on occasion. I have been trying to keep that reigned in. Sometimes successfully sometimes not.

But to understand me you have to understand one simple fact. My art is everything to me. Its comes first, last, and fills the middle. It has been that way since I first picked up a pink crayon and fucked up the bedroom walls. And to me all art flows from emotion. Maybe I'm wrong in that but it's how i feel. I know artists who think the exact opposite is true (artists are a weird bunch). Some people never seem to get that without the emo side I just wouldn't be who I am.

When I paint I put everything I have into it. I can go days living on nothing but coffee, alcohol, and cigarettes. No food, sleep, or contact with anybody. Court, who I lived with at PSU, would check every now and than just to make sure I was still alive. Than when I'm finished I go thru the biggest crash. It can last for days and is hard on anybody close to me. The last time i painted anything I fought with somebody for days after. And the sex sucked too! Now that is something you will rarely if ever hear me admit.

So where am I going with this. Who knows. But that's it for now.

saddest tune i ever heard

ugh thanks sis for sending me that

new pic

Here I Am

Why am I doing this? Honestly I have no clue.

In the past weeks I left a place and a job I love dearly. Penn State University (btw Capital One Bowl final. PSU 19 - LSU 17). A good friend of mine moved to the west coast. And the day after new years I moved in with another good friend in the Village. Soon Ill be starting a job in a gallery there.

Years ago I kept a journal. It always seemed to help me clear my head in the 'dark days'. Recently I had a conversation with a doctor friend who thought it might be a good idea to do it again. To help me adjust to all the recent changes in my life.

Well here I am. Time will tell .....

tuneage