Literally from the road ....
New Years Eve and I am yet again on the bus but this time going home for Foxy. The garage where I keep her was finally plowed so with nothing better to do I decided to head home now which gives the added benefit of it keeping me out of trouble tonight. It was a totally good idea because the bus is almost empty so I can stretch out over two seats without acting like a bish first.
Anyways the only reason I'm writing this is because the bus has wifi and damnit I'm going to literally post this from the road. Post what? Post sports trivia, women's sports trivia to be more precise. I was reading an article about UConn's women's basketball team losing after 90 straight wins last night and it reminded me of the Penn State women's volleyball team losing after 109 straight wins. Than something suddenly dawned on me and I think I should be calling ESPN.
On April 6, 2008 the Stanford Cardinals women’s basketball team beat the UConn Huskies in the NCAA semifinals. Uconn went on to win 90 straight games before losing to the same Stanford team last night.
On September 15, 2007 the Stanford Cardinals women’s volleyball team beat the Penn State Nittany Lions in the Yale Classic. Penn State went on to win those 109 straight matches only to lose to the same Stanford Cardinals back in September.
There has to be a lesson to be learned in that somewhere but I have no idea what it would be other than damn those Cardinals. You reading this Sports Center?
Now one request. Have a few drinks and play this vid for me around midnight or whenever the hell you see this. If this doesn't make you jump nothing ever will.
KORN - Coming Undone, Acid Remix
Friday, December 31, 2010
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Observations from the Snowpocalypse 12.29
The apocalypse in white is an apt description of the Village just days after the second 'great blizzard' of 2010. I suppose this is just our first because New York City itself was spared the worst of last winter's big storm. After two days of traveling, shoveling and wandering in the wasteland I am going to soak in a tub of hot water for as long as humanly possible. But first my thoughts from the snowpocalypse* ....
As I tried to get back to snow choked New York I quickly remembered something about long distance bus travel. I should never wear boots with any kind of heel at all because I'm too tall and even the two inch heels I had on made me feel cramped for space in no time at all. Also an MP3 player is an absolute must because you can put on the earbuds and zone out even if you aren't listening to anything. Just the mere appearance of the tall, cramped, zoned out dark bish is enough to keep people away, Sometimes it's just enough to get you two seats by yourself too.
A normal three hour bus trip stretched to four until I made it back. The city was a hodgepodge of stuck taxis, buses, and every other mode of transport imaginable. Only the ever present bicycle messengers seemed to be moving normally, albeit some were on mountain bikes. When I finally made it to our apartment building I found the entrance piled high with snow. Than at the gallery the sidewalk was in need of shoveling and I quickly decided that I should have stayed at my Dad's with Foxy. But shovel I did, from the gallery all the way to the liquor store up the street. After all I am no fool. I survived this back breaking labor relatively unscathed but for some sore muscles and a likely ruined pair of leather boots. Than again leather boots are never ruined to me, they just get worn with a diff outfit.
The one part of the city that does seem to have been cleared fast is Times Square. That is pretty easy to understand what with New Years Eve fast approaching. One doesn't want to worry about thousands of psycho snow ball wielding inebriated rubberneckers when terrorists are to be dealt with. And I'm sure the Mayor doesn't want to have this live TV quasi advertisement for the gleaming city disrupted either. How can Mayor Bloomberg expect to be President if he can't even get the snow cleared off the streets?
But I do have to say the city was beautiful when I got back, totally a disaster but still beautiful. Yesterday the snow was still a brilliant white in the Village and not the usual salt splattered grey you get used to seeing around here. The white snow under a clear blue sky just reminded me of the mountains, but not quite, somehow the towers don't remind me of trees.
After a day of shoveling and pretending the gallery was open I declared today a snow day and went exploring. Below is a link to some of what I found.
"the apocalypse in White" a set on flickr.
*Urban Dictionary: Snowpocalypse - A weather condition in which the amount of fallen snow, while not really such a big deal, wreaks havoc on a city, effectively shutting it down and leaving its citizens stunned and unable to see any sign of hope or a return to normalcy.
As I tried to get back to snow choked New York I quickly remembered something about long distance bus travel. I should never wear boots with any kind of heel at all because I'm too tall and even the two inch heels I had on made me feel cramped for space in no time at all. Also an MP3 player is an absolute must because you can put on the earbuds and zone out even if you aren't listening to anything. Just the mere appearance of the tall, cramped, zoned out dark bish is enough to keep people away, Sometimes it's just enough to get you two seats by yourself too.
A normal three hour bus trip stretched to four until I made it back. The city was a hodgepodge of stuck taxis, buses, and every other mode of transport imaginable. Only the ever present bicycle messengers seemed to be moving normally, albeit some were on mountain bikes. When I finally made it to our apartment building I found the entrance piled high with snow. Than at the gallery the sidewalk was in need of shoveling and I quickly decided that I should have stayed at my Dad's with Foxy. But shovel I did, from the gallery all the way to the liquor store up the street. After all I am no fool. I survived this back breaking labor relatively unscathed but for some sore muscles and a likely ruined pair of leather boots. Than again leather boots are never ruined to me, they just get worn with a diff outfit.
The one part of the city that does seem to have been cleared fast is Times Square. That is pretty easy to understand what with New Years Eve fast approaching. One doesn't want to worry about thousands of psycho snow ball wielding inebriated rubberneckers when terrorists are to be dealt with. And I'm sure the Mayor doesn't want to have this live TV quasi advertisement for the gleaming city disrupted either. How can Mayor Bloomberg expect to be President if he can't even get the snow cleared off the streets?
But I do have to say the city was beautiful when I got back, totally a disaster but still beautiful. Yesterday the snow was still a brilliant white in the Village and not the usual salt splattered grey you get used to seeing around here. The white snow under a clear blue sky just reminded me of the mountains, but not quite, somehow the towers don't remind me of trees.
After a day of shoveling and pretending the gallery was open I declared today a snow day and went exploring. Below is a link to some of what I found.
"the apocalypse in White" a set on flickr.
*Urban Dictionary: Snowpocalypse - A weather condition in which the amount of fallen snow, while not really such a big deal, wreaks havoc on a city, effectively shutting it down and leaving its citizens stunned and unable to see any sign of hope or a return to normalcy.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Observations from the Road 12.26
Christmas, nothing quite like Christmas. You have to love a day where it is perfectly acceptable to be drinking with the family before noon, I mean 11AM, oh it doesn't matter so never mind. It's almost like all day indoor tailgating with gifts with bonus of getting to shock the relatives just like on Thanksgiving. The first bottle of wine was finished twenty minutes after I opened it, that was not good. On the plus side I used a meat thermometer for the very first time and I'm so damn proud. Maybe if I ever give up on art I can open a diner, a kinda Goth diner coffee shop hangout kinda place. Guy Fieri could stop by and do a show.
But now back to reality, I woke up this morning and saw blizzard warnings had been issued for NYC. I think a blizzard warning is the NWS's way of saying 'you people are fucked' but they are too polite to say it. As the first flakes begin to fall here I'm keeping my eye on twitter to see what is going on up in the city. Evidently not much as I write this ....
@KeithOlbermann Not much to see here yet, Snowpocalyptically speaking. Still counting # of flakes not # of inches http://moby.to/x46ugo
But it does seem the dreaded snowpocalypse is back for a second year in a row. All I can think is what the hell? I don't remember New York getting hit with all these storms before I moved there but than I didn't pay much attention either. Now I seem to be trapped at my dad's for the time being because I totally refuse to take Foxy out in a blizzard. Actually I'm trying to talk my dad into parking his truck outside so I can use part of the garage to keep her clean and dry. I'm not getting anywhere with that and my best puppy dog eyes don't seem to work on him anymore. Personally I think he is just pissed off that the Eagles game has been postponed, as he said it's just snow.
So for now it looks like a day of eating, movies, and the last of the wine. But I might need more wine.
18:00 update - Watching the Weather Channel, that Samantha Mohr has an awesome hairstyle. Just sayin. Oh and it's still snowing ....
23:00 update - Ash says there is a foot of snow on the ground, more like on the sidewalk in the Village. No buses are running and the power is flickering, which happens to our old building when somebody sneezes hard. As for PA, buses to NYC are cancelled until 9AM and wine is running low ....
23:50 and final update - Foxy is spending the night in the garage, where puppy dog eyes fail tears never fail to do. Now I have to finish my porn discussion on twitter ....
But now back to reality, I woke up this morning and saw blizzard warnings had been issued for NYC. I think a blizzard warning is the NWS's way of saying 'you people are fucked' but they are too polite to say it. As the first flakes begin to fall here I'm keeping my eye on twitter to see what is going on up in the city. Evidently not much as I write this ....
@KeithOlbermann Not much to see here yet, Snowpocalyptically speaking. Still counting # of flakes not # of inches http://moby.to/x46ugo
But it does seem the dreaded snowpocalypse is back for a second year in a row. All I can think is what the hell? I don't remember New York getting hit with all these storms before I moved there but than I didn't pay much attention either. Now I seem to be trapped at my dad's for the time being because I totally refuse to take Foxy out in a blizzard. Actually I'm trying to talk my dad into parking his truck outside so I can use part of the garage to keep her clean and dry. I'm not getting anywhere with that and my best puppy dog eyes don't seem to work on him anymore. Personally I think he is just pissed off that the Eagles game has been postponed, as he said it's just snow.
So for now it looks like a day of eating, movies, and the last of the wine. But I might need more wine.
18:00 update - Watching the Weather Channel, that Samantha Mohr has an awesome hairstyle. Just sayin. Oh and it's still snowing ....
23:00 update - Ash says there is a foot of snow on the ground, more like on the sidewalk in the Village. No buses are running and the power is flickering, which happens to our old building when somebody sneezes hard. As for PA, buses to NYC are cancelled until 9AM and wine is running low ....
23:50 and final update - Foxy is spending the night in the garage, where puppy dog eyes fail tears never fail to do. Now I have to finish my porn discussion on twitter ....
Saturday, December 25, 2010
My Christmas Wish
I wish I had woke up and seen a black Ferrari California in the front yard with a big pink bow around it. Yes pink! For the California I’ll even take a pink bow. I’ll be pissed but I’ll still take it.
But seriously, what would I wish upon that big Christmas star?
It sounds kind of lame but I wish we could all get along. I don’t mean agree because that is never going to happen, just get along would be good enough. There are too many damn probs in this little world of ours to argue about every damn thing.
It shouldn’t matter what color your skin is, what party you belong to, whether you are gay or lesbian, catholic or muslim, or believe in the spaghetti monster for christ’s sake. We just have this one little place we call home and it gets smaller every day. It would be so awesome if we all realized that because if we don’t one day soon the whole house of cards will come tumbling down around us and we all will all to blame.
So that is my Christmas wish. Look at that ahole next to you and say heyas and Merry Christmas. Than ask how they are, how their life is going, just talk.
Barring that the California will do just fine ....
Joyeux Noël
But seriously, what would I wish upon that big Christmas star?
It sounds kind of lame but I wish we could all get along. I don’t mean agree because that is never going to happen, just get along would be good enough. There are too many damn probs in this little world of ours to argue about every damn thing.
It shouldn’t matter what color your skin is, what party you belong to, whether you are gay or lesbian, catholic or muslim, or believe in the spaghetti monster for christ’s sake. We just have this one little place we call home and it gets smaller every day. It would be so awesome if we all realized that because if we don’t one day soon the whole house of cards will come tumbling down around us and we all will all to blame.
So that is my Christmas wish. Look at that ahole next to you and say heyas and Merry Christmas. Than ask how they are, how their life is going, just talk.
Barring that the California will do just fine ....
Joyeux Noël
Friday, December 24, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 30
Tell yourself everything you love about yourself ....
Thirty days and this is all it comes down to? No shattering cosmic event to portend events in my future? This sucks! I love way I use the English language, that's what I love about myself. But seriously, everything I like about myself. Well some I have said before and some I haven't but here it is. Day 30 ....
I love my eyes because sometimes they are so dark they look black. And no I don’t wear colored contacts either so don't ask. They always looked so awesome on Goth Friday. I love being tall, I always have, and I like my body too. That's a good thing because with my metabolism it isn't going to change any time soon, besides I know it well. As much as I have a love/hate relationship with it I honestly do like my hair. I never have had short hair and have never really wanted it short, sorry to disappoint some. I love the way it looks wet and I love the way it looks straight but half the time it is neither, it's just a mess. I have a name for that look but I'll keep it to myself.
I love the way my mind works, the way I think and see the world around me. Actually there was a time I thought I was a bit insane until I was told I have four photopigments instead of the normal three, basically the opposite of color blindness. Who knew? As much as I know it can turn people off fast I love my arrogant personality. I also know it's just a cover but I like the softer side it is covering too. I care about things without really trying to, I just do.
But what I love the most about myself is the fact that I can create, I can show what I see. It's something I never like to talk about but I know I have a talent. I love to be able to see something in my mind and be able to share it. Whether sketching it, painting it, or just shooting it. It really doesn't matter to me, I just like to share. I like to be able to take my world and, however briefly, make it your world too. It's a good thing I can because along the way I have killed so many brain cells that, well, Walmart might have been the only other option.
It sounds a bit vain but I suppose what I love about myself is myself. When I look in the mirror I have few regrets. I'm just perfectly happy how I have turned out so far, except those days when I'm not ....
I’m just an enigma.
So there you have it, thirty ‘truths’ in a little over thirty days. I said I would finish it before Christmas and I do believe I have.
Merry Christmas everybody!
U2 - I Believe In Father Christmas
Thirty days and this is all it comes down to? No shattering cosmic event to portend events in my future? This sucks! I love way I use the English language, that's what I love about myself. But seriously, everything I like about myself. Well some I have said before and some I haven't but here it is. Day 30 ....
I love my eyes because sometimes they are so dark they look black. And no I don’t wear colored contacts either so don't ask. They always looked so awesome on Goth Friday. I love being tall, I always have, and I like my body too. That's a good thing because with my metabolism it isn't going to change any time soon, besides I know it well. As much as I have a love/hate relationship with it I honestly do like my hair. I never have had short hair and have never really wanted it short, sorry to disappoint some. I love the way it looks wet and I love the way it looks straight but half the time it is neither, it's just a mess. I have a name for that look but I'll keep it to myself.
I love the way my mind works, the way I think and see the world around me. Actually there was a time I thought I was a bit insane until I was told I have four photopigments instead of the normal three, basically the opposite of color blindness. Who knew? As much as I know it can turn people off fast I love my arrogant personality. I also know it's just a cover but I like the softer side it is covering too. I care about things without really trying to, I just do.
But what I love the most about myself is the fact that I can create, I can show what I see. It's something I never like to talk about but I know I have a talent. I love to be able to see something in my mind and be able to share it. Whether sketching it, painting it, or just shooting it. It really doesn't matter to me, I just like to share. I like to be able to take my world and, however briefly, make it your world too. It's a good thing I can because along the way I have killed so many brain cells that, well, Walmart might have been the only other option.
It sounds a bit vain but I suppose what I love about myself is myself. When I look in the mirror I have few regrets. I'm just perfectly happy how I have turned out so far, except those days when I'm not ....
I’m just an enigma.
So there you have it, thirty ‘truths’ in a little over thirty days. I said I would finish it before Christmas and I do believe I have.
Merry Christmas everybody!
U2 - I Believe In Father Christmas
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Observations from the Coffee Shop 12.23
Not long ago I wrote a post for truth number 14 in which I said President Obama was someone who let me down. With but one more truth to write I want to take a moment and take that one back. With all the excitement of the last couple days I realized it has been an amazing two years. Maybe not everything I had hoped for but than reality rarely lives up to the dream that created it.
The list is now a long one. The START treaty, 9-11 first responders bill, health care reform, Wall Street reform, hate crimes bill, recovery act, food safety legislation, clean energy legislation, and student loan reform. Plus he appointed two female Supreme Court justices including the first ever Latina one. And far far from least is the repeal of the military's DADT policy.
Yes there is much left to do, still ....
Merry Christmas Mr. President, enjoy Hawaii.
The list is now a long one. The START treaty, 9-11 first responders bill, health care reform, Wall Street reform, hate crimes bill, recovery act, food safety legislation, clean energy legislation, and student loan reform. Plus he appointed two female Supreme Court justices including the first ever Latina one. And far far from least is the repeal of the military's DADT policy.
Yes there is much left to do, still ....
Merry Christmas Mr. President, enjoy Hawaii.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 29
Something I hope to change about myself. And why ....
Can I use location on this one? Why? Because Paris seems to be calling me. Damnit I’ll just think of something else. I knew that was too easy an answer.
I don't think it's ever going to be possible but if I could change anything I would tame that slight flaw in my personality that makes me so damn emo sometimes. A friend recently said I have a 'dark, lonerish, superior, arrogant bitch' attitude and I like that. It's a cover I have worked long and hard at over the years and I believe I may have finally perfected it. But still it seems to fail me at times.
The problem is the fact that under that veneer is a soul that can suddenly be torn with emotion. I'll usually mange to keep it safely hidden away and under control only to have it explode out of nowhere. There are times I don’t even know why it happens but still it does. It can last hours or it can last days than it will suddenly fade away as fast as it appeared. My mom once called it 'the mood' and it's a name that has stuck ever since.
Granted I love to paint when I'm in one of those moods. It's as if I can see the colors swirling around my head and can smell even feel the paint as I put on canvas. At moments like that every creative nerve in my body seems so alive I honestly think I could paint what I see with a blindfold on. It has to be the closest thing to an artistic orgasm as I have ever found.
Maybe I won't change that flaw after all. I mean seriously, who am I to turn down an orgasm?
Can I use location on this one? Why? Because Paris seems to be calling me. Damnit I’ll just think of something else. I knew that was too easy an answer.
I don't think it's ever going to be possible but if I could change anything I would tame that slight flaw in my personality that makes me so damn emo sometimes. A friend recently said I have a 'dark, lonerish, superior, arrogant bitch' attitude and I like that. It's a cover I have worked long and hard at over the years and I believe I may have finally perfected it. But still it seems to fail me at times.
The problem is the fact that under that veneer is a soul that can suddenly be torn with emotion. I'll usually mange to keep it safely hidden away and under control only to have it explode out of nowhere. There are times I don’t even know why it happens but still it does. It can last hours or it can last days than it will suddenly fade away as fast as it appeared. My mom once called it 'the mood' and it's a name that has stuck ever since.
Granted I love to paint when I'm in one of those moods. It's as if I can see the colors swirling around my head and can smell even feel the paint as I put on canvas. At moments like that every creative nerve in my body seems so alive I honestly think I could paint what I see with a blindfold on. It has to be the closest thing to an artistic orgasm as I have ever found.
Maybe I won't change that flaw after all. I mean seriously, who am I to turn down an orgasm?
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 28
What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant,
what would you do ....
This probably the only one of the thirty that actually made me laugh. I'm sure it isn't supposed to do that but for my own not so personal reasons it did. Still I suppose I have to answer.
Short answer. Not going to happen.
Longer answer. Short of rape one is about as likely to happen as the other. All I can say is that if either one were to happen I would have to seriously reconsider my ideas on religion.
Me with a child, what a novel idea. Now that would have been one hell of a truth ....
what would you do ....
This probably the only one of the thirty that actually made me laugh. I'm sure it isn't supposed to do that but for my own not so personal reasons it did. Still I suppose I have to answer.
Short answer. Not going to happen.
Longer answer. Short of rape one is about as likely to happen as the other. All I can say is that if either one were to happen I would have to seriously reconsider my ideas on religion.
Me with a child, what a novel idea. Now that would have been one hell of a truth ....
Monday, December 20, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 27
The best thing I have going for me now ....
I thought I was going to have to think hard on this one but it was actually an easy one. The thing I have going for me now is probably the thing I have always had going for me. I might be the luckiest woman, no, the luckiest person alive. I already know what you are thinking, at best luck is just a word to explain some random happening or at worst just a superstition. But if I am going to believe in karma and fate why shouldn't I believe in luck too?
Hell I had to be lucky just to survive days 3, 8, 20, and 26 in this blogject. But it's way more than just that. I know I have had some low spots in my life but I seem to have this resiliency that let me bounce back every time and I know exactly where that resiliency comes from.
Other than two glaring instances I have always been lucky enough to be surrounded by some amazing and supportive people. They have helped me to always make the right choices, again other than a couple times when I failed miserably. I was born with such supportive parents who were always there when I needed them to be. Profs at Penn State, friends from there, and friends from the Village were and are just as supportive in their own ways. In second life I have met some truly unique and amazing people and found a muse and inspiration.
All these people have one thing in common. They seem to see something in me that I don't see in myself and try and pull it out of me whether I like it or not. Sometimes it goes well and sometimes it doesn't but I have yet to find somebody I truly call a friend that has given up on me. Maybe it is something else entirely but I like to think of it as luck and I think I am very lucky to know any of them.
So yes I'm going with luck, until somebody proves me wrong.
I thought I was going to have to think hard on this one but it was actually an easy one. The thing I have going for me now is probably the thing I have always had going for me. I might be the luckiest woman, no, the luckiest person alive. I already know what you are thinking, at best luck is just a word to explain some random happening or at worst just a superstition. But if I am going to believe in karma and fate why shouldn't I believe in luck too?
Hell I had to be lucky just to survive days 3, 8, 20, and 26 in this blogject. But it's way more than just that. I know I have had some low spots in my life but I seem to have this resiliency that let me bounce back every time and I know exactly where that resiliency comes from.
Other than two glaring instances I have always been lucky enough to be surrounded by some amazing and supportive people. They have helped me to always make the right choices, again other than a couple times when I failed miserably. I was born with such supportive parents who were always there when I needed them to be. Profs at Penn State, friends from there, and friends from the Village were and are just as supportive in their own ways. In second life I have met some truly unique and amazing people and found a muse and inspiration.
All these people have one thing in common. They seem to see something in me that I don't see in myself and try and pull it out of me whether I like it or not. Sometimes it goes well and sometimes it doesn't but I have yet to find somebody I truly call a friend that has given up on me. Maybe it is something else entirely but I like to think of it as luck and I think I am very lucky to know any of them.
So yes I'm going with luck, until somebody proves me wrong.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Observations on Art 12.19
One of the things that I think separates the arts from some other fields, such as science and law, is how emotionally based it can be. So much art is created because of emotions, real or maybe imagined but still emotions. Take the emotion out of painting, acting, and even photography and most of the great performances or works of history wouldn't exist. Sometimes we create to teach, sometimes to purely shock, and sometimes just to vent those emotions.
I think this has totally been true all through time. Before the Renaissance most, if not all, western art was commissioned by the church and it mostly shows religious scenes. With the Renaissance came the first depictions of non-religious or even anti-religious things, the first time art had drifted away from the church in almost 500 years. And so shock and awe in the art world was born.
Jacques-Louis David's "The Death of Marat", Goya's "Executions of the Third of May, 1808", and Picasso's "Guernica" all tried to shock the public into an awareness of events of the times. And today we have the storm over the removal of David Wojnarowicz's film "A Fire in My Belly" from the Smithsonian's 'Hide/Seek' exhibit. The film was created after Wojnarowicz's lover died of AIDS and he himself was diagnosed with the disease. His response was anger and he used the anger to create the film.
This has been a way too long way for my art history brain to get to the point. Even though I hide it well I know my brain is fueled by emotion. I tend to act on them before the much smaller thinking part of my brain has a chance to override those emotions. I see something in my mind and create what I see before stopping to think how I might be making another person feel in the process. Not that I care how most people feel about what I do but there are a few people out there in the world that I do care about. Recently I did just that, and hurt the feelings of somebody I do care about.
And I am so sorry.
I really need to think sometimes but it so does my head hurt ....
I think this has totally been true all through time. Before the Renaissance most, if not all, western art was commissioned by the church and it mostly shows religious scenes. With the Renaissance came the first depictions of non-religious or even anti-religious things, the first time art had drifted away from the church in almost 500 years. And so shock and awe in the art world was born.
Jacques-Louis David's "The Death of Marat", Goya's "Executions of the Third of May, 1808", and Picasso's "Guernica" all tried to shock the public into an awareness of events of the times. And today we have the storm over the removal of David Wojnarowicz's film "A Fire in My Belly" from the Smithsonian's 'Hide/Seek' exhibit. The film was created after Wojnarowicz's lover died of AIDS and he himself was diagnosed with the disease. His response was anger and he used the anger to create the film.
This has been a way too long way for my art history brain to get to the point. Even though I hide it well I know my brain is fueled by emotion. I tend to act on them before the much smaller thinking part of my brain has a chance to override those emotions. I see something in my mind and create what I see before stopping to think how I might be making another person feel in the process. Not that I care how most people feel about what I do but there are a few people out there in the world that I do care about. Recently I did just that, and hurt the feelings of somebody I do care about.
And I am so sorry.
I really need to think sometimes but it so does my head hurt ....
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 26
Have you ever thought about giving up on life?
If so, when and why ....
Well this is an easy, short, and simple one. The answer is yes.
For the second part of it, if you don't know by now just read back and you should be able to figure it out.
HIM - Join Me
If so, when and why ....
Well this is an easy, short, and simple one. The answer is yes.
For the second part of it, if you don't know by now just read back and you should be able to figure it out.
HIM - Join Me
Friday, December 17, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 25
The reason you believe you’re still alive today ....
I have thought about this a few times over the last seven years. When I finally reached the bottom of the dark hole I had dug for myself I was so far over the edge that I didn’t think there was a way for me to climb back out. So sometimes I honestly do think about this.
The problem is I don't know if I have ever come up with an answer to the question. Or maybe there is an answer and I just have never found it. But I don’t think anybody who is honest with themselves can answer this. How could you ever know? Maybe I’m just taking the meaning of this far too literally because I have been so far down. I sometimes have thought that I have no right to be alive, that I burned all the chips I started with when I was born. It's just one of those dark thoughts I tend to have that I have learned to live with.
In a more real sense I am alive because of my family. My dad stuck by me through the worst of times and that thought keeps me going when I'm down now. I'll always be grateful to him for that fact because I know people who can’t say the same about their families. Sometimes it drives me because I have this need to prove to myself or to him that I was worth it. Than I have my brother and sis who for some odd unfathomable reason always seem to look up to me for the answer. I never quite understand this because I always seem to have few answers and only more questions. But than maybe that is what they are looking for.
I guess you like to think that when you are born you have a chance to accomplish anything you want in life. Sometimes it works out that way and sometimes, probably most times, it doesn't. So you do the best you can and hope that somewhere somebody is proud of you.
Free Hugs Campaign - music by Sick Puppies
I have thought about this a few times over the last seven years. When I finally reached the bottom of the dark hole I had dug for myself I was so far over the edge that I didn’t think there was a way for me to climb back out. So sometimes I honestly do think about this.
The problem is I don't know if I have ever come up with an answer to the question. Or maybe there is an answer and I just have never found it. But I don’t think anybody who is honest with themselves can answer this. How could you ever know? Maybe I’m just taking the meaning of this far too literally because I have been so far down. I sometimes have thought that I have no right to be alive, that I burned all the chips I started with when I was born. It's just one of those dark thoughts I tend to have that I have learned to live with.
In a more real sense I am alive because of my family. My dad stuck by me through the worst of times and that thought keeps me going when I'm down now. I'll always be grateful to him for that fact because I know people who can’t say the same about their families. Sometimes it drives me because I have this need to prove to myself or to him that I was worth it. Than I have my brother and sis who for some odd unfathomable reason always seem to look up to me for the answer. I never quite understand this because I always seem to have few answers and only more questions. But than maybe that is what they are looking for.
I guess you like to think that when you are born you have a chance to accomplish anything you want in life. Sometimes it works out that way and sometimes, probably most times, it doesn't. So you do the best you can and hope that somewhere somebody is proud of you.
Free Hugs Campaign - music by Sick Puppies
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Observations from the Window 12.15
I’m just taking a little break from the ‘truths’ here because I’m struggling a bit over these next two. Life, death, and taxes just scare the hell out of me. On top of that I have my horoscope telling me turmoil will swirl around me for the rest of the month. Not that I believe in horoscopes, their just karma’s bad relation, but it seems to be the way it always goes for me this time of year.
The world that is mine just seems a bit turned upside down at the moment. I never got back to my sister’s big Thanksgiving news for the family. She wants to, is going to, join the Navy. Go to photography school there than go to art school when she gets out. While I now think she is as totally insane as her older sister I am still proud of her for thinking it all through on her own. I’ll leave it at that before I end up getting myself in trouble.
Than you have the non artsie member of the triumvirate. My brother graduates from Penn State this weekend ending a long run for us in the mountains. But the little shit has decided he doesn’t want to go to the graduation ceremonies in person. I say little shit in the best possible way because he is six inches taller than me, though I still think I could take him though. I just think he should go to graduation like I did and just sneak a bottle of champagne in under his gown. It isn’t as if the TSA is going to pat him down on the way to the stage.
On top of all this is the normal end of the year Christmas emo mood that I fall into. As always I feel it tug at me, start to pull me down, as Christmas gets nearer and nearer. But I’m going to fight it this year no matter how much alcohol it takes. After all I have a turkey to make and I found a totally kewl recipe for jalapeno cranberry relish that should put some unexpected bite into Christmas dinner. I guess I really should start shopping though, the clock is suddenly ticking faster.
It’s enough to make this tall bish throw up her hands and scream.
But not yet anyway. Not yet ….
Robert Earl Keene - Merry Christmas From The Family
Not that I am going to start posting xMas tunes but that is effing classic. I remember the first time Sean and I saw it, we just had to watch it over and over.
The world that is mine just seems a bit turned upside down at the moment. I never got back to my sister’s big Thanksgiving news for the family. She wants to, is going to, join the Navy. Go to photography school there than go to art school when she gets out. While I now think she is as totally insane as her older sister I am still proud of her for thinking it all through on her own. I’ll leave it at that before I end up getting myself in trouble.
Than you have the non artsie member of the triumvirate. My brother graduates from Penn State this weekend ending a long run for us in the mountains. But the little shit has decided he doesn’t want to go to the graduation ceremonies in person. I say little shit in the best possible way because he is six inches taller than me, though I still think I could take him though. I just think he should go to graduation like I did and just sneak a bottle of champagne in under his gown. It isn’t as if the TSA is going to pat him down on the way to the stage.
On top of all this is the normal end of the year Christmas emo mood that I fall into. As always I feel it tug at me, start to pull me down, as Christmas gets nearer and nearer. But I’m going to fight it this year no matter how much alcohol it takes. After all I have a turkey to make and I found a totally kewl recipe for jalapeno cranberry relish that should put some unexpected bite into Christmas dinner. I guess I really should start shopping though, the clock is suddenly ticking faster.
It’s enough to make this tall bish throw up her hands and scream.
But not yet anyway. Not yet ….
Robert Earl Keene - Merry Christmas From The Family
Not that I am going to start posting xMas tunes but that is effing classic. I remember the first time Sean and I saw it, we just had to watch it over and over.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 24
Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose to use
all the songs ....
Again this is supposed to be in letter form but decided not to do anything like that and I'm not going to explain the choices or say who the playlist is for. I know, I'm just no fun at all anymore. This is a condensed version of a playlist I already have on iTunes. It isn't so much that each song means something to me but the playlist as a whole does. All these tunes remind me of somebody and I'll leave it for that person to figure out.
Hey Pretty - Poe
The Scientist - Coldplay
Better - Regina Spektor
Sidedish Friend - Rachael Yamagata
Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
Bed of Black Roses - I Hate Kate
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
Edge of the Ocean - Ivy
Lonely Day - System of Down
Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely) - Pink
Read My Mind - The Killers
Hurt - Johnny Cash
When The Stars Go Blue - The Corrs ft. Bono
Nightswimming - REM
Sick Muse - Metric
Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill
Enjoy The Silence - Lacuna Coil
Skinny Little Bitch - Hole
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
The Story - Brandi Carlile
It's just a little journey through time, enjoy ....
the Playlist
all the songs ....
Again this is supposed to be in letter form but decided not to do anything like that and I'm not going to explain the choices or say who the playlist is for. I know, I'm just no fun at all anymore. This is a condensed version of a playlist I already have on iTunes. It isn't so much that each song means something to me but the playlist as a whole does. All these tunes remind me of somebody and I'll leave it for that person to figure out.
Hey Pretty - Poe
The Scientist - Coldplay
Better - Regina Spektor
Sidedish Friend - Rachael Yamagata
Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
Bed of Black Roses - I Hate Kate
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
Edge of the Ocean - Ivy
Lonely Day - System of Down
Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely) - Pink
Read My Mind - The Killers
Hurt - Johnny Cash
When The Stars Go Blue - The Corrs ft. Bono
Nightswimming - REM
Sick Muse - Metric
Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill
Enjoy The Silence - Lacuna Coil
Skinny Little Bitch - Hole
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
The Story - Brandi Carlile
It's just a little journey through time, enjoy ....
the Playlist
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 23
Something I wish you I done in my life ....
It seems I got past that drug and alcohol post only to trip up on these two could have would have posts. I have to come up with something here because I used up my list option on the last one. Something I wish I had done seems so much harder than the something I want to do question.
My answer is something that came to mind watching my sister in the field hockey playoffs. Sometimes I do wish I had been just a little bit less arrogant in high school. I don't look back on those years as anything really positive and I don't talk to anybody from than other than my hockey coach and that is more because of my sister than anything else.
Maybe times changed some in the ten years between us but my sis just seems to handle it all so much better. I was just so cocky and arrogant and wasn't going to let anybody see any little crack in my armor. I was that dark gloomy (omg!) lesbian on the hockey team and I thrived on it. Looking back I could have handled it so much better but I really did enjoy living on that edge. It was who I was and I guess who I still am so really this is all worthless dribble because I probably would do it the same all over again.
I just think that if I hadn't left high school with the uber chip on my shoulder I might have handled my mom's cancer better and a lot of things might have been different. Than again I wouldn't so much to write about would I?
It is what it is ....
(Only seven more! I can so do this by Christmas.)
It seems I got past that drug and alcohol post only to trip up on these two could have would have posts. I have to come up with something here because I used up my list option on the last one. Something I wish I had done seems so much harder than the something I want to do question.
My answer is something that came to mind watching my sister in the field hockey playoffs. Sometimes I do wish I had been just a little bit less arrogant in high school. I don't look back on those years as anything really positive and I don't talk to anybody from than other than my hockey coach and that is more because of my sister than anything else.
Maybe times changed some in the ten years between us but my sis just seems to handle it all so much better. I was just so cocky and arrogant and wasn't going to let anybody see any little crack in my armor. I was that dark gloomy (omg!) lesbian on the hockey team and I thrived on it. Looking back I could have handled it so much better but I really did enjoy living on that edge. It was who I was and I guess who I still am so really this is all worthless dribble because I probably would do it the same all over again.
I just think that if I hadn't left high school with the uber chip on my shoulder I might have handled my mom's cancer better and a lot of things might have been different. Than again I wouldn't so much to write about would I?
It is what it is ....
(Only seven more! I can so do this by Christmas.)
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 22
Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life ....
Christ does it have to be something I haven't already mentioned? I'm not sure thinking about what you wish you hadn't done in your life is the best use of time but I'll give it a shot anyway. Can I make a list?
I wish that I hadn't sat on Santa's lap when I was three and, well, OK I puked on Santa. I have yet to live that one down and for some reason it seems to come up every year at this time. Rumor has it that there are pics floating around too. Now there might be a few things I have done in my life that I don't want to become public knowledge but those pics I would kill for.
In something totally second life related I wish that when I first started I had known it was quite possible to have two hairs on at the same time. Actually I wish somebody had told me I had two hairs on at the same time instead of probably laughing their asses off. Believe me I remember and I took names. It may take years but I'll get even at some point so be careful opening that Christmas card this year.
I wish that I hadn't slid my car into a ditch that night. More than that I wish I hadn't given the police officer that found me a rude gesture. I'm not going to say what the gesture was but if you look around this page you might just find it. Needless to say he wasn't that thrilled about it and not surprisingly neither was my dad when I called him from the local lock up.
And finally I wish I hadn't punched that guy in the bar the night he called me a dyke. How did I know I was going to lay him out with one punch? Worse than that was the fact I had to call Ash to bail me out of jail. This is yet another thing I am never going to live down because she never lets me forget that she was the one who had to bail me out. To this day I feel so bad thinking about the embarrassment he must of felt being knocked down in public by of all things a tall skinny dyke.
So there you have my wish I hadn't done list.
Alright so I lied about the last one. Actually it was one of the proudest moments of my life. I mean seriously my dykes can call me a dyke, my friends can call me a dyke, but no asshole in a bar is going to call me a dyke and get away with it. Jail time is but a small price to pay.
Christ does it have to be something I haven't already mentioned? I'm not sure thinking about what you wish you hadn't done in your life is the best use of time but I'll give it a shot anyway. Can I make a list?
I wish that I hadn't sat on Santa's lap when I was three and, well, OK I puked on Santa. I have yet to live that one down and for some reason it seems to come up every year at this time. Rumor has it that there are pics floating around too. Now there might be a few things I have done in my life that I don't want to become public knowledge but those pics I would kill for.
In something totally second life related I wish that when I first started I had known it was quite possible to have two hairs on at the same time. Actually I wish somebody had told me I had two hairs on at the same time instead of probably laughing their asses off. Believe me I remember and I took names. It may take years but I'll get even at some point so be careful opening that Christmas card this year.
I wish that I hadn't slid my car into a ditch that night. More than that I wish I hadn't given the police officer that found me a rude gesture. I'm not going to say what the gesture was but if you look around this page you might just find it. Needless to say he wasn't that thrilled about it and not surprisingly neither was my dad when I called him from the local lock up.
And finally I wish I hadn't punched that guy in the bar the night he called me a dyke. How did I know I was going to lay him out with one punch? Worse than that was the fact I had to call Ash to bail me out of jail. This is yet another thing I am never going to live down because she never lets me forget that she was the one who had to bail me out. To this day I feel so bad thinking about the embarrassment he must of felt being knocked down in public by of all things a tall skinny dyke.
So there you have my wish I hadn't done list.
Alright so I lied about the last one. Actually it was one of the proudest moments of my life. I mean seriously my dykes can call me a dyke, my friends can call me a dyke, but no asshole in a bar is going to call me a dyke and get away with it. Jail time is but a small price to pay.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 21
Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do ....
This is one of those things that are just about impossible to answer. I mean seriously you can say how you think you will react, how you hope you would react, but really you have no way of knowing how you will react until it happens. There are just too many damn variables that come into play and this doesn't tell you a damn thing.
Worst case scenario is it was a stupid fight, she lost control of her car in a one car accident, and it was fatal. I know I can be awfully grim when I want to be. I see a lot of tequila and tears in this scenario but I only mention it to prove my point. I've tried to be honest in all these 'truths' but in this one you just have no way of knowing until it happens and hopefully I never have to find out. And that is my honest answer.
Next
This is one of those things that are just about impossible to answer. I mean seriously you can say how you think you will react, how you hope you would react, but really you have no way of knowing how you will react until it happens. There are just too many damn variables that come into play and this doesn't tell you a damn thing.
Worst case scenario is it was a stupid fight, she lost control of her car in a one car accident, and it was fatal. I know I can be awfully grim when I want to be. I see a lot of tequila and tears in this scenario but I only mention it to prove my point. I've tried to be honest in all these 'truths' but in this one you just have no way of knowing until it happens and hopefully I never have to find out. And that is my honest answer.
Next
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 20
My views on drugs and alcohol ....
The one I have dreaded since the beginning, really before I even started. It would be so easy just to say screw it and not answer this one. I don't even know where to begin with this.
I can start with my own litany of drugs. I have used alcohol and smoked since high school, had and addiction to cocaine, spent time in rehab, and had a few legal problems. I said had an addiction to cocaine even though I know that once you are an addict you always are one. I should add that I would die without caffeine and I have been known to smoke a certain herb that looks surprisingly like oregano. I seem to have a love hate relationship with drugs. I know I drink too much but I like to drink and I also know I shouldn't smoke but I have to admit it's my crutch. I have tried to quit a few times in the last ten years and it just doesn't happen owing to the fact that deep down I need to smoke, I need the crutch.
My views? I'm not so sure that I have any views on the subject that matter. I am far from the one to damn anybody for using any hard drugs because I've been too far down that road myself. But for now I don't let myself be around people that do use because I just won’t let myself be tempted again. Not that I haven't been offered some, I have, but not by friends or even acquaintances and so far I have reacted more with revulsion than with temptation. I lost two months of my life because of cocaine and rehab. Two months I barely remember and never am going to get back to that. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
Yet I could give you a list of reasons I used coke, excuses actually. Excuses I would tell myself over and over again every day. People just didn't understand me, they don't have my problems, or my loss. I'm just using it to calm my head until I don't need it anymore and than I'll quit. I can still function, drive, and nobody seems to even notice. In my deepest darkest days I figured I was going to die anyway so why did it matter at all. And I believed every one of my excuses until it was too late.
And finally there is the artistic angle. This tends to cause more debate than any of the so called excuses do. When I paint I drink it's that simple, it's how I paint, sometimes I don't eat just drink and smoke and paint. When I was in rehab I had a therapist who tried telling me over and over that I only thought I needed alcohol to paint. He said that if I stopped drinking I would find that I was just as creative or even more so. Not long out of rehab I had my own final therapy in painting what I consider one of my best works. In the process I drank two bottles of tequila. The other side of all this is the fact that when I was using cocaine I didn't create anything. Not a painting, not a sketch, not even a single photo I know of. The artsie part of my brain just shut down so completely that I thought it was gone.
So there are my thoughts on drugs and alcohol if not my views. I’ll add a quote because I love quotes, it’s one of my favs, and it fits ....
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S. Thompson
Except when they don't ....
30 Seconds To Mars - Attack
The one I have dreaded since the beginning, really before I even started. It would be so easy just to say screw it and not answer this one. I don't even know where to begin with this.
I can start with my own litany of drugs. I have used alcohol and smoked since high school, had and addiction to cocaine, spent time in rehab, and had a few legal problems. I said had an addiction to cocaine even though I know that once you are an addict you always are one. I should add that I would die without caffeine and I have been known to smoke a certain herb that looks surprisingly like oregano. I seem to have a love hate relationship with drugs. I know I drink too much but I like to drink and I also know I shouldn't smoke but I have to admit it's my crutch. I have tried to quit a few times in the last ten years and it just doesn't happen owing to the fact that deep down I need to smoke, I need the crutch.
My views? I'm not so sure that I have any views on the subject that matter. I am far from the one to damn anybody for using any hard drugs because I've been too far down that road myself. But for now I don't let myself be around people that do use because I just won’t let myself be tempted again. Not that I haven't been offered some, I have, but not by friends or even acquaintances and so far I have reacted more with revulsion than with temptation. I lost two months of my life because of cocaine and rehab. Two months I barely remember and never am going to get back to that. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.
Yet I could give you a list of reasons I used coke, excuses actually. Excuses I would tell myself over and over again every day. People just didn't understand me, they don't have my problems, or my loss. I'm just using it to calm my head until I don't need it anymore and than I'll quit. I can still function, drive, and nobody seems to even notice. In my deepest darkest days I figured I was going to die anyway so why did it matter at all. And I believed every one of my excuses until it was too late.
And finally there is the artistic angle. This tends to cause more debate than any of the so called excuses do. When I paint I drink it's that simple, it's how I paint, sometimes I don't eat just drink and smoke and paint. When I was in rehab I had a therapist who tried telling me over and over that I only thought I needed alcohol to paint. He said that if I stopped drinking I would find that I was just as creative or even more so. Not long out of rehab I had my own final therapy in painting what I consider one of my best works. In the process I drank two bottles of tequila. The other side of all this is the fact that when I was using cocaine I didn't create anything. Not a painting, not a sketch, not even a single photo I know of. The artsie part of my brain just shut down so completely that I thought it was gone.
So there are my thoughts on drugs and alcohol if not my views. I’ll add a quote because I love quotes, it’s one of my favs, and it fits ....
"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S. Thompson
Except when they don't ....
30 Seconds To Mars - Attack
Monday, December 6, 2010
Observations from the Window 12.6
I seem to have a new addiction. Writing ....
I have the day off so I spent the whole morning in bed cuddling my blankets and drinking coffee. I mean seriously it's cold outside. I finally managed to pull on big baggy sweater and drag myself to the window only to find, well, it looks cold outside. I haven't mentioned my vendor in sometime but I am looking down now and dude has snow shovels. I didn't need to see that.
So why did I say I'm addicted to writing? Because I should be food shopping or Christmas shopping but I'm sitting in the window writing instead. Christmas shopping I can do without because Christmas is a downer for me anyway but I need food. Right now the entire contents of our fridge consists a twelve pack of Corona, assorted cheeses, milk, eggs, hummus, and a few bottles of wine. Might be some butter in there too but I'm not quite sure. I don't see Whole Foods coming to me so I'm going to have to go to it but it's cold outside and now there are snow flurries to go with it.
I'm drinking like my sixth cup of coffee, watching the Prop 8 hearings, and writing. Writing this and that damn drugs and alcohol post that is next. The Prop 8 hearings make no sense to me at all. I think it's all finally beyond my limited ability to understand the law. But omg this lawyer arguing the pro Prop 8 case actually just said this. The current definition of marriage is same as it has been since beginning of time, around the world, to make babies. He said that same sex couples cannot procreate without a third party and that’s the rational basis for denying them the right to marry. Otherwise we are left with marriage as just an empty word meaning nothing. God what a fucking idiot. I have to turn it off before I totally lose it and smash my TV.
The whole point I was going to get at was that not only do I like writing but suddenly I felt the need to write. I suppose it's better than needing a cigarette. Besides it's too cold to smoke outside.
No vid but to get the full effect hum Dean Martin's "Baby It's Cold Outside" to yourself.
I have the day off so I spent the whole morning in bed cuddling my blankets and drinking coffee. I mean seriously it's cold outside. I finally managed to pull on big baggy sweater and drag myself to the window only to find, well, it looks cold outside. I haven't mentioned my vendor in sometime but I am looking down now and dude has snow shovels. I didn't need to see that.
So why did I say I'm addicted to writing? Because I should be food shopping or Christmas shopping but I'm sitting in the window writing instead. Christmas shopping I can do without because Christmas is a downer for me anyway but I need food. Right now the entire contents of our fridge consists a twelve pack of Corona, assorted cheeses, milk, eggs, hummus, and a few bottles of wine. Might be some butter in there too but I'm not quite sure. I don't see Whole Foods coming to me so I'm going to have to go to it but it's cold outside and now there are snow flurries to go with it.
I'm drinking like my sixth cup of coffee, watching the Prop 8 hearings, and writing. Writing this and that damn drugs and alcohol post that is next. The Prop 8 hearings make no sense to me at all. I think it's all finally beyond my limited ability to understand the law. But omg this lawyer arguing the pro Prop 8 case actually just said this. The current definition of marriage is same as it has been since beginning of time, around the world, to make babies. He said that same sex couples cannot procreate without a third party and that’s the rational basis for denying them the right to marry. Otherwise we are left with marriage as just an empty word meaning nothing. God what a fucking idiot. I have to turn it off before I totally lose it and smash my TV.
The whole point I was going to get at was that not only do I like writing but suddenly I felt the need to write. I suppose it's better than needing a cigarette. Besides it's too cold to smoke outside.
No vid but to get the full effect hum Dean Martin's "Baby It's Cold Outside" to yourself.
Thirty Days of Truths, The Pause
Why the pause? Well I could go with my brain is tired but that isn't really the case. I looked to see what was next and found I had finally run into the wall I had been dreading. The next 'truth' is my thoughts on drugs and alcohol and honestly it doesn't look like it gets any easier after that.
I was thinking about the whole thing yesterday and realized something. The more 'truths' I go through the more they seem to weave together in my head. Maybe it's just me or maybe that is how it's supposed to be, either way it's kind of intriguing to me. One day leads into another and I find myself thinking about a question with everything that came before still in my head. It's just different than how I normally write or think. Usually I concentrate my few living brain cells on one subject than write or rant and move on to the next thing. But these questions all seem to linger in my head.
I only started this because it looked like a fun idea and I didn't plan on getting as into it as I have. But all in all it has been fun so far. I have thought about a few things I never normally would have thought about. The fatalist thing is really something I have never put into words before, it's not something I ever felt the need to talk about. Than that wound right into another subject I shy away from, religion.
So I started out taking a break but instead I'm rambling here. Now that is totally how I usually think and write.
Bad Religion - American Jesus
I was thinking about the whole thing yesterday and realized something. The more 'truths' I go through the more they seem to weave together in my head. Maybe it's just me or maybe that is how it's supposed to be, either way it's kind of intriguing to me. One day leads into another and I find myself thinking about a question with everything that came before still in my head. It's just different than how I normally write or think. Usually I concentrate my few living brain cells on one subject than write or rant and move on to the next thing. But these questions all seem to linger in my head.
I only started this because it looked like a fun idea and I didn't plan on getting as into it as I have. But all in all it has been fun so far. I have thought about a few things I never normally would have thought about. The fatalist thing is really something I have never put into words before, it's not something I ever felt the need to talk about. Than that wound right into another subject I shy away from, religion.
So I started out taking a break but instead I'm rambling here. Now that is totally how I usually think and write.
Bad Religion - American Jesus
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 19
My thoughts on religion ....
Oh religion, something I don't think I have ever mentioned before. If there is a topic one shouldn't write about its religion because you are sure to offend somebody along the way. So I'm going to say ahead of time I don't mean to offend anybody. These are just my personal thoughts and also it isn't something I think about much so it’s really just off the top of my head.
At one time I did attend a church every Sunday morning, did Sunday school in my little print dress, but I was but a wee thing back than. My mom wanted a well rounded girl but gave it up about the time I insisted on wearing jeans to church. That would have been about the same time my rebelliousness set in, along with the first inklings of my sexuality, and I realized I just didn't belong there.
I have never called myself an atheist or an agnostic, really I never call myself anything. Is there a God? If I have to answer that my answer is no. Is there some power in control of the universe? It gets a little tricky here because I do believe in fate, I think many things happen for a reason and at times you don't have much control over it. What happens when I die? Honest answer is I'm thinking worm food but than I also believe in ghosts so I'm not so sure. To be safe I want to buried in a wooden box because I don't want to spend eternity trapped in some overpriced metal box with no tunes and poor ventilation.
When you talk about organized religion I get a little bit harsher. On the positive side some of the greatest works of art and architecture have been created in the name of one religion or another. But on the negative side more people have died in the name of one god or another than for any other reason. Christians killing Muslims killing Jews in Crusades or Jihads or Inquisitions all through history and all in the name of the 'same' god. Sunnis killing Shias killing Jews killing Catholics killing Lutherans and on and on. The Middle East has been a religious killing ground since time began and probably will remain that until time ends. No religion can even begin to claim it doesn't have a bloody past.
Marx called religion the opiate of the people and to a certain degree he was right. What most people don't realize is what he meant by it by that. I had a professor who explained that Marx wasn't thinking of it as the church clouding peoples minds but more as the church comforting people in their times of need. The church itself is a quandary to me, it can do so much good at the local level and yet be so terrible at a higher level. Just politics with a different name I suppose.
Perhaps Gandhi said it better. "God has no religion."
Oh religion, something I don't think I have ever mentioned before. If there is a topic one shouldn't write about its religion because you are sure to offend somebody along the way. So I'm going to say ahead of time I don't mean to offend anybody. These are just my personal thoughts and also it isn't something I think about much so it’s really just off the top of my head.
At one time I did attend a church every Sunday morning, did Sunday school in my little print dress, but I was but a wee thing back than. My mom wanted a well rounded girl but gave it up about the time I insisted on wearing jeans to church. That would have been about the same time my rebelliousness set in, along with the first inklings of my sexuality, and I realized I just didn't belong there.
I have never called myself an atheist or an agnostic, really I never call myself anything. Is there a God? If I have to answer that my answer is no. Is there some power in control of the universe? It gets a little tricky here because I do believe in fate, I think many things happen for a reason and at times you don't have much control over it. What happens when I die? Honest answer is I'm thinking worm food but than I also believe in ghosts so I'm not so sure. To be safe I want to buried in a wooden box because I don't want to spend eternity trapped in some overpriced metal box with no tunes and poor ventilation.
When you talk about organized religion I get a little bit harsher. On the positive side some of the greatest works of art and architecture have been created in the name of one religion or another. But on the negative side more people have died in the name of one god or another than for any other reason. Christians killing Muslims killing Jews in Crusades or Jihads or Inquisitions all through history and all in the name of the 'same' god. Sunnis killing Shias killing Jews killing Catholics killing Lutherans and on and on. The Middle East has been a religious killing ground since time began and probably will remain that until time ends. No religion can even begin to claim it doesn't have a bloody past.
Marx called religion the opiate of the people and to a certain degree he was right. What most people don't realize is what he meant by it by that. I had a professor who explained that Marx wasn't thinking of it as the church clouding peoples minds but more as the church comforting people in their times of need. The church itself is a quandary to me, it can do so much good at the local level and yet be so terrible at a higher level. Just politics with a different name I suppose.
Perhaps Gandhi said it better. "God has no religion."
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Observations from the Coffee Shop 12.4
I really want to write something about the DADT hearings and my 'tard in chief' Senator John McCain. But it seems the writing part of my brain is overloaded and burning out on the "Thirty Days of Truths" posts so I'll have to pass for now. I totally think I have a good rant in my head waiting to get out but it just isn't happening right now.
I saw this on "Daily Show" yesterday and really no rant of mine is even going to compare to this. It's just classic, enjoy.
I saw this on "Daily Show" yesterday and really no rant of mine is even going to compare to this. It's just classic, enjoy.
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| Gaypocalypse Now | ||||
| ||||
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 18
My views on gay marriage ....
So I'm thinking whoever originally came up with the '30 Truths' wasn't gay and thought this would be much more telling and maybe controversial on top of it. Alas you probably know or suspect my views on gay marriage already but I'll try and voice them a little less emotionally than I have before.
To me it's a simple question of equality. Yes I am a lesbian and I am proud of that fact. At the same time I am a human being and supposedly all of us are created equal. Yet it always seems that some people are more equal than others. I never seriously think about getting married myself but for somebody to tell me it doesn't matter what I think, that I don't have that option, that I don't have that right, well it just totally pisses me off.
What I have never understood is why it even matters to these people. What world shattering threat does it pose if two people of the same sex love each other and want to get married? Does it really have any effect on their life at all? I mean seriously how does it effect them? Why do they care? I'd love for somebody to answer those questions for me.
One of the main reasons for denying marriage to gay couples seems to be that all major religions consider homosexuality a sin. But we aren't talking about religious marriage here. If a church doesn't want to marry gay couples so be it, their loss. I can only begin to imagine the floral displays they are missing out on. Anyway the First Amendment of the Constitution says that a person's religious views or lack thereof must be protected. Marriage by the state is a secular activity and the government can't start making laws just because a religion says they should. What would be next?
So that is my calm, rational, and legalistic answer. If that was too boring you can check out the more emotional ones I have written before (l).
I know it's a cliché but honestly if you don't like gay marriage just don't fucking have one.
So I'm thinking whoever originally came up with the '30 Truths' wasn't gay and thought this would be much more telling and maybe controversial on top of it. Alas you probably know or suspect my views on gay marriage already but I'll try and voice them a little less emotionally than I have before.
To me it's a simple question of equality. Yes I am a lesbian and I am proud of that fact. At the same time I am a human being and supposedly all of us are created equal. Yet it always seems that some people are more equal than others. I never seriously think about getting married myself but for somebody to tell me it doesn't matter what I think, that I don't have that option, that I don't have that right, well it just totally pisses me off.
What I have never understood is why it even matters to these people. What world shattering threat does it pose if two people of the same sex love each other and want to get married? Does it really have any effect on their life at all? I mean seriously how does it effect them? Why do they care? I'd love for somebody to answer those questions for me.
One of the main reasons for denying marriage to gay couples seems to be that all major religions consider homosexuality a sin. But we aren't talking about religious marriage here. If a church doesn't want to marry gay couples so be it, their loss. I can only begin to imagine the floral displays they are missing out on. Anyway the First Amendment of the Constitution says that a person's religious views or lack thereof must be protected. Marriage by the state is a secular activity and the government can't start making laws just because a religion says they should. What would be next?
So that is my calm, rational, and legalistic answer. If that was too boring you can check out the more emotional ones I have written before (l).
I know it's a cliché but honestly if you don't like gay marriage just don't fucking have one.
Friday, December 3, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 17
A book you’ve read that changed your views on something ....
I came up with a lot of options for this one. I love to read and there was a time when I would be reading three or four books at the same time and finish them all in a week. I normally have two books going now, usually a fiction and a non fiction, but I don't read them nearly as fast.
So finally it came down to two books. Both more solidified my views on a subject rather than changed them but I guess that is close enough. The first is "An Inconvenient Truth" by Al Gore. I didn't go with this because I didn't read it that long ago and I'm not sure which had more effect on me at the time, the book or that environmental science major brother of mine.
The second book is one I first read in high school and a few times since. I always seem to come away with a different opinion of it. That book is "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel García Márquez. You may hear me talk about karma or use the phrase 'it is what it is' all the time and it's because at times I am at heart a fatalist, I honestly believe in the inevitable and inescapable repetition of history. I guess I have just studied too much history to think about life any other way.
Fatalism is a thread that runs constantly through this book as generation after generation of the Buendía family are visited by ghosts of past generations even as they repeat the mistakes of those same generations. The patriarch of the family founds the city of Macondo as a city of mirrors after seeing it in a vision. I’m never sure if it is actually a city of mirrors or just a metaphor for a city of mirages. Mirrors, mirages, visions, or maybe a way of saying life is never truly what it seems. Fittingly Macondo is destroyed by a hurricane at the end of the book.
Karma, fate, or whatever you want to call it sometimes it seems that some events are preordained and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. I know that it isn't a theory that appeals to many people but it's something I sometimes do believe myself. I love the book but I don't think I'll ever completely understand it.
Now I bet you can't wait to read my thoughts on religion.
Shikata ga nai
I came up with a lot of options for this one. I love to read and there was a time when I would be reading three or four books at the same time and finish them all in a week. I normally have two books going now, usually a fiction and a non fiction, but I don't read them nearly as fast.
So finally it came down to two books. Both more solidified my views on a subject rather than changed them but I guess that is close enough. The first is "An Inconvenient Truth" by Al Gore. I didn't go with this because I didn't read it that long ago and I'm not sure which had more effect on me at the time, the book or that environmental science major brother of mine.
The second book is one I first read in high school and a few times since. I always seem to come away with a different opinion of it. That book is "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel García Márquez. You may hear me talk about karma or use the phrase 'it is what it is' all the time and it's because at times I am at heart a fatalist, I honestly believe in the inevitable and inescapable repetition of history. I guess I have just studied too much history to think about life any other way.
Fatalism is a thread that runs constantly through this book as generation after generation of the Buendía family are visited by ghosts of past generations even as they repeat the mistakes of those same generations. The patriarch of the family founds the city of Macondo as a city of mirrors after seeing it in a vision. I’m never sure if it is actually a city of mirrors or just a metaphor for a city of mirages. Mirrors, mirages, visions, or maybe a way of saying life is never truly what it seems. Fittingly Macondo is destroyed by a hurricane at the end of the book.
Karma, fate, or whatever you want to call it sometimes it seems that some events are preordained and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. I know that it isn't a theory that appeals to many people but it's something I sometimes do believe myself. I love the book but I don't think I'll ever completely understand it.
Now I bet you can't wait to read my thoughts on religion.
Shikata ga nai
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 16
Someone or something you definitely could live without ....
Why do I find this one so hard? To start I don't want to end up writing about the same person yet again. I have already thought about her way to much since I started this and besides I do live without her. Maybe it's the memory I could do without. As I said before if I could live without somebody I more than likely am living without that person. Seriously it’s just how I am.
So that leaves something I could live without. I could easily live without the Republican Party but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I’m not going to get into that now because it deserves a post all its own and I think it’s going to get one soon.
So now I can't think of a thing I could live without either so I'm going to wing it again and go with a personality trait I could very easily live without.
I'm cocky, arrogant, and a top notch smart ass and I love every minute of it. But the dark side of that is sometimes I don't know when to stop and I end up going too far. If I'm in one of my moods I can get downright nasty. I can't say I ever set out to be mean but it happens and part of it comes from the fact that I can be jealous too. So arrogance seems to have a nasty dark side and I could easily live without that.
Now if I have to give up the arrogance to get rid of the dark side you’re just out of luck.
Why do I find this one so hard? To start I don't want to end up writing about the same person yet again. I have already thought about her way to much since I started this and besides I do live without her. Maybe it's the memory I could do without. As I said before if I could live without somebody I more than likely am living without that person. Seriously it’s just how I am.
So that leaves something I could live without. I could easily live without the Republican Party but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I’m not going to get into that now because it deserves a post all its own and I think it’s going to get one soon.
So now I can't think of a thing I could live without either so I'm going to wing it again and go with a personality trait I could very easily live without.
I'm cocky, arrogant, and a top notch smart ass and I love every minute of it. But the dark side of that is sometimes I don't know when to stop and I end up going too far. If I'm in one of my moods I can get downright nasty. I can't say I ever set out to be mean but it happens and part of it comes from the fact that I can be jealous too. So arrogance seems to have a nasty dark side and I could easily live without that.
Now if I have to give up the arrogance to get rid of the dark side you’re just out of luck.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 15
Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it ....
Coffin nails, cancer sticks, smokes, ciggies, butts, take your pick because they all mean the same thing no matter how you say it. Cigarettes. I started smoking cigarettes in high school and have been smoking them off and on ever since. I've tried to stop more than once but with no real success because I think my addictive personality needs something and it has tried much worse. Worse for me over the short term anyway. I know what smoking does to me or is doing to me but I just can't stop for any length of time.
The funny thing about my smoking is I can't stand second hand smoke myself and I wouldn't smoke inside if I could. It makes my eyes water and gives me a headache. No matter what the weather I won't smoke in my 'Foxy' with the windows up because I don't want to ruin the leather but have no qualms about ruining my lungs. In high school I smoked even though I was constantly working out because of field hockey.
I know it is a crutch and I make no excuses for it. I totally understand people who can't stand smoking but I hate when smokers are blamed for all that is wrong with the health care system, poor air quality, and life in general. The recent FDA ruling on cigarette packs seems pathetic to me because I don't think you can scare smokers with graphic photos, I think anybody that smokes knows it's not healthy.
I think it's far from cool to smoke but given the right situation it looks cool in a photo. As long as I'm in the Village I doubt I'll ever quit because it's just what we do. It's just so damn cool.
Another enigma.
Coffin nails, cancer sticks, smokes, ciggies, butts, take your pick because they all mean the same thing no matter how you say it. Cigarettes. I started smoking cigarettes in high school and have been smoking them off and on ever since. I've tried to stop more than once but with no real success because I think my addictive personality needs something and it has tried much worse. Worse for me over the short term anyway. I know what smoking does to me or is doing to me but I just can't stop for any length of time.
The funny thing about my smoking is I can't stand second hand smoke myself and I wouldn't smoke inside if I could. It makes my eyes water and gives me a headache. No matter what the weather I won't smoke in my 'Foxy' with the windows up because I don't want to ruin the leather but have no qualms about ruining my lungs. In high school I smoked even though I was constantly working out because of field hockey.
I know it is a crutch and I make no excuses for it. I totally understand people who can't stand smoking but I hate when smokers are blamed for all that is wrong with the health care system, poor air quality, and life in general. The recent FDA ruling on cigarette packs seems pathetic to me because I don't think you can scare smokers with graphic photos, I think anybody that smokes knows it's not healthy.
I think it's far from cool to smoke but given the right situation it looks cool in a photo. As long as I'm in the Village I doubt I'll ever quit because it's just what we do. It's just so damn cool.
Another enigma.
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