A hero that has let you down ....
I don't know that I ever had any heroes per se, I'm not sure my personality allows it. There are painters and writers whose work I love but most of them are long gone. There are photographers whose work I adore but I wouldn't call them heroes. Besides it seems that with any artist a let down is called for, it's just how we are.
I do have answer though and sadly it was much too easy to come up with. During the 2008 presidential election campaign of Barrack Obama so much was said about real change and hope for the future that you couldn't help but believe. But it didn't take long for the euphoria to wear off and the political realities to set in.
President Obama has accomplished much more than he gets credit for but so much more could have been done. Instead too much of his time and energy was wasted trying to be the great compromiser. It doesn’t quite sink into him that those who elected him didn't do so to compromise anything but to bring real change. Instead where are we now? We find compromise defined as do it my way or don’t do anything at all. It doesn’t matter what a majority of the people want or care about it only matters who wins the next election. And than the cycle will repeat itself ad infinitum until the only change comes through complete collapse of the system.
My brother had loaned me his copy of Richard Wolffe's "Renegade" which is about Obama's election campaign of 2008. It's totally a good read but I got part way through it and had to stop. The memory of the campaign compared to the reality of now was just to agonizing to deal with.
And now there is the thought of a President Palin to deal with.
Reality sucks.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 13
A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days ....
This is supposed to be a letter but I decided at the start I'm not doing any of them that way. I mean seriously why write a letter that is never going to be sent? But this does give me an opportunity to write about something I always wanted to but never got around to. That's part of the reason I started this truth thing in the first place. Make myself think and write about things I never got around to and cram it all in as the first year of my blogging winds down. OK that and make me not think and write about other things.
It isn't so much a band or artist that has gotten me through hard times, it's just a song. It's a song I have gone back to over and over again when I'm down. At the same time it's possibly the saddest song I have ever heard so the fact that I love it when I'm down makes no sense at all. At times it makes me cry and at others it makes me smile but either way it always seems to help. There isn't any one thing about it that makes it so sad. Not the lyrics, the singer’s voice, or the haunting piano playing under the singing. But the combination of the three owns my soul completely now.
I can't remember when I first heard it or saw the video but I do remember listening over and over to it when I did. The beautiful b&w video was shot in Barcelona and it seems almost as if she is singing from the grave but I was never quite sure. Is it about loneliness, lost love, or death? Five different versions of the song have been recorded and all have slightly different lyrics. It was written by the band's guitarist who appeared in the video than quit the band before the CDs release.
I have friends who just leave me alone when they hear it, knowing damn well what it means. I love this song but I hate it at the same time.
Amy Lee, Evanescence, and "My Immortal" ....
Evanescence - My Immortal
This is supposed to be a letter but I decided at the start I'm not doing any of them that way. I mean seriously why write a letter that is never going to be sent? But this does give me an opportunity to write about something I always wanted to but never got around to. That's part of the reason I started this truth thing in the first place. Make myself think and write about things I never got around to and cram it all in as the first year of my blogging winds down. OK that and make me not think and write about other things.
It isn't so much a band or artist that has gotten me through hard times, it's just a song. It's a song I have gone back to over and over again when I'm down. At the same time it's possibly the saddest song I have ever heard so the fact that I love it when I'm down makes no sense at all. At times it makes me cry and at others it makes me smile but either way it always seems to help. There isn't any one thing about it that makes it so sad. Not the lyrics, the singer’s voice, or the haunting piano playing under the singing. But the combination of the three owns my soul completely now.
I can't remember when I first heard it or saw the video but I do remember listening over and over to it when I did. The beautiful b&w video was shot in Barcelona and it seems almost as if she is singing from the grave but I was never quite sure. Is it about loneliness, lost love, or death? Five different versions of the song have been recorded and all have slightly different lyrics. It was written by the band's guitarist who appeared in the video than quit the band before the CDs release.
I have friends who just leave me alone when they hear it, knowing damn well what it means. I love this song but I hate it at the same time.
Amy Lee, Evanescence, and "My Immortal" ....
Evanescence - My Immortal
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 12
Something you never get compliments on ....
I was almost ready to blow this on off because I figured how would I know what it was because I wasn't complimented on it. Than I wanted to say it was my ass because I thought this might be the only chance I get to write about my ass but I thought better of that. I would have had to use the word ass too often and that might seem rude.
Well if I am going to be honest here I have to say my eyes. I love my eyes but they rarely get any attention at all. They are so dark brown that at times they appear black and I think most people just believe I am wearing contacts. Add some makeup and they were always oh so perfect for Goth Friday.
I would rather have written about my ass.
I was almost ready to blow this on off because I figured how would I know what it was because I wasn't complimented on it. Than I wanted to say it was my ass because I thought this might be the only chance I get to write about my ass but I thought better of that. I would have had to use the word ass too often and that might seem rude.
Well if I am going to be honest here I have to say my eyes. I love my eyes but they rarely get any attention at all. They are so dark brown that at times they appear black and I think most people just believe I am wearing contacts. Add some makeup and they were always oh so perfect for Goth Friday.
I would rather have written about my ass.
Observations from the Road 11.27
So yesterday was Black Friday, either the busiest shopping day of the year or a Friday to wear black. I used to enjoy Goth Friday myself but this shopping you can have. I stayed in and reacquired a forgotten vice in the 'Food Network' and its "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" marathon. Even with it being the day after Thanksgiving I don't think I was ever so hungry in my life.
I had a nice calm week here at my dad's and was in no mood to drive back yesterday as planed so for now in Pennsylvania I remain. I didn't burn the turkey, I did act fairly adult like, I finished some work I had been putting off, hung out with a cousin I haven’t seen in a awhile, and yet managed to consume a decent amount of wine and beer. All that I got to watch enough Flyers games to get me through until Christmas. The one problem is it's seriously getting to that ‘it's to damn cold to smoke outside’ time of year. Never the less I had a pretty damn good week of vegging that sadly must come to an end soon.
My sister had some rather stunning news for the family that I might pass on later and my brother should graduate next month so for a change I melted into the background and just absorbed it all. I absorbed that along with a few bottles of wine. In hind sight I should have known not going Goth was a mistake but than I don't normally like being the center of attention do I?
Black Friday is also the beginning of the run into Christmas and New Years so it has another meaning to me too. It was always my mom's fav time of year and I seem to miss her more at this time than at any other, even more than her birthday. It wouldn't be fair to her to say I don't like the holiday season but I do get dark and moody the closer it gets. I need to stock up on my holiday spirits.
So be forewarned, the ride gets bumpy from here.
My Chemical Romance - Sing
I had a nice calm week here at my dad's and was in no mood to drive back yesterday as planed so for now in Pennsylvania I remain. I didn't burn the turkey, I did act fairly adult like, I finished some work I had been putting off, hung out with a cousin I haven’t seen in a awhile, and yet managed to consume a decent amount of wine and beer. All that I got to watch enough Flyers games to get me through until Christmas. The one problem is it's seriously getting to that ‘it's to damn cold to smoke outside’ time of year. Never the less I had a pretty damn good week of vegging that sadly must come to an end soon.
My sister had some rather stunning news for the family that I might pass on later and my brother should graduate next month so for a change I melted into the background and just absorbed it all. I absorbed that along with a few bottles of wine. In hind sight I should have known not going Goth was a mistake but than I don't normally like being the center of attention do I?
Black Friday is also the beginning of the run into Christmas and New Years so it has another meaning to me too. It was always my mom's fav time of year and I seem to miss her more at this time than at any other, even more than her birthday. It wouldn't be fair to her to say I don't like the holiday season but I do get dark and moody the closer it gets. I need to stock up on my holiday spirits.
So be forewarned, the ride gets bumpy from here.
My Chemical Romance - Sing
Friday, November 26, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 11
Something people seem to compliment you the most on ....
This much I know, it's not my warm personality or my fine use of the English language that gets the compliments. At least not those certain words I like to use regularly. I find this sad because I'm proud to be a smart ass and I work hard at it.
Physically I would have to say I'm most complimented on my hair which totally baffles me because I have a love hate relationship with it. I have never in my life had short hair but I always have had days where I just want it was all gone. Depending on my mood I either let it go wild or I spend an hour straightening it only to have it explode a few hours later. If I'm in a hurry in the morning, which I usually seem to be, I just pull it all back and let it hang there giving me that tall dark scary dyke look. But yes people seem to love my hair.
But of anything I get complemented the most on my art. Sometimes I have a hard time with that because it is something I don't like to talk about much. That sounds totally weird for an artist but than I am a totally weird artist so it works.
My art is as much an enigma as I am. My photography is mostly b&w because I love working with the shading and contrast. To me it's just so much more fun than working with color. But when I paint I love to mix my own, as if the thirty shades of blue I can buy aren't enough. I hate abstract photography but I paint in abstract. This summer I saw and fell in love with something I had rarely, if ever, seen before. Stark b&w abstract paintings. So you see even the artsie part of my brain is a bit rebellious.
It is what it is.
This much I know, it's not my warm personality or my fine use of the English language that gets the compliments. At least not those certain words I like to use regularly. I find this sad because I'm proud to be a smart ass and I work hard at it.
Physically I would have to say I'm most complimented on my hair which totally baffles me because I have a love hate relationship with it. I have never in my life had short hair but I always have had days where I just want it was all gone. Depending on my mood I either let it go wild or I spend an hour straightening it only to have it explode a few hours later. If I'm in a hurry in the morning, which I usually seem to be, I just pull it all back and let it hang there giving me that tall dark scary dyke look. But yes people seem to love my hair.
But of anything I get complemented the most on my art. Sometimes I have a hard time with that because it is something I don't like to talk about much. That sounds totally weird for an artist but than I am a totally weird artist so it works.
My art is as much an enigma as I am. My photography is mostly b&w because I love working with the shading and contrast. To me it's just so much more fun than working with color. But when I paint I love to mix my own, as if the thirty shades of blue I can buy aren't enough. I hate abstract photography but I paint in abstract. This summer I saw and fell in love with something I had rarely, if ever, seen before. Stark b&w abstract paintings. So you see even the artsie part of my brain is a bit rebellious.
It is what it is.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Observations from the Kitchen 11.25
The turkey is in the oven as, for the third year in a row, I attempt not to burn the Thanksgiving bird. Sean is shuffling around nursing a hangover after reconnecting with the local bar last night and, in a new holiday tradition, I'm sitting at the kitchen table staring at a soon to be opened bottle of wine. I had to buy my own this year as my dad learned his lesson and didn't buy his Christmas case early this year. Either that or he found a much better hiding spot than the last one.
I promise to act relatively adult like this year or as adult like as I possibly can. I'll try and stay sober until after dinner and no goth makeup to freak the relatives. I always enjoyed that though so maybe just a little around the eyes but the lipstick always makes the turkey taste like dried out crayons. I don't want to freak out the relatives? If that isn't a sign I'm finally maturing nothing is.
So this is where I'm supposed to write some kind of 'what I'm thankful for' post. I could go with the traditional family, friends, and staying out of rehab but I'm not going to. But I want to mention one thing I am thankful for. I may get irritated at him at times because there is so much that needs to be done. But I am thankful Barrack Obama is my President because the alternative is just to damn depressing to think about.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. 'Thirty Days of Truths' returns tomorrow at its regularly scheduled time.
And now the wine ....
I promise to act relatively adult like this year or as adult like as I possibly can. I'll try and stay sober until after dinner and no goth makeup to freak the relatives. I always enjoyed that though so maybe just a little around the eyes but the lipstick always makes the turkey taste like dried out crayons. I don't want to freak out the relatives? If that isn't a sign I'm finally maturing nothing is.
So this is where I'm supposed to write some kind of 'what I'm thankful for' post. I could go with the traditional family, friends, and staying out of rehab but I'm not going to. But I want to mention one thing I am thankful for. I may get irritated at him at times because there is so much that needs to be done. But I am thankful Barrack Obama is my President because the alternative is just to damn depressing to think about.
Happy Thanksgiving everybody. 'Thirty Days of Truths' returns tomorrow at its regularly scheduled time.
And now the wine ....
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 10
Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know ....
OMG why would anybody in their right mind answer something like this? Besides anybody that knows anything about me knows I don't have to answer this one because if I need to let you go I already did. Chances are I let you go before I needed to and didn't look back. Just another burnt bridge in my collection.
So I'll take the space to explain my mulligan comment in the last post. I remembered later that a mulligan is a 'do-over' in a friendly round of golf. Now I only need my two hands to count the number of times I have played real golf so I forgot it meant that. I was thinking of a soda drinking game we played in college when using a mulligan meant you could skip your turn.
And while I'm at it a bit of Katie trivia for you. I use the term 'burning bridges' all the time so where did it come from in the first place? Actually it was my dad that used it first in the context I always use it in. My dad is a big Clint Eastwood fan and the theme song of his fav movie "Kelly's Heroes" is called "Burning Bridges." I was talking to my mom about my social skills, or lack of, when my dad blurted out 'like so many burning bridges behind you' and I have used the term ever since. It just seems to fit.
".... All the burning bridges that have fallen after me
All the lonely feelings and the burning memories
Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door
Burning bridges lost forevermore ...."
The Mike Curb Congregation - Burning Bridges
OMG why would anybody in their right mind answer something like this? Besides anybody that knows anything about me knows I don't have to answer this one because if I need to let you go I already did. Chances are I let you go before I needed to and didn't look back. Just another burnt bridge in my collection.
So I'll take the space to explain my mulligan comment in the last post. I remembered later that a mulligan is a 'do-over' in a friendly round of golf. Now I only need my two hands to count the number of times I have played real golf so I forgot it meant that. I was thinking of a soda drinking game we played in college when using a mulligan meant you could skip your turn.
And while I'm at it a bit of Katie trivia for you. I use the term 'burning bridges' all the time so where did it come from in the first place? Actually it was my dad that used it first in the context I always use it in. My dad is a big Clint Eastwood fan and the theme song of his fav movie "Kelly's Heroes" is called "Burning Bridges." I was talking to my mom about my social skills, or lack of, when my dad blurted out 'like so many burning bridges behind you' and I have used the term ever since. It just seems to fit.
".... All the burning bridges that have fallen after me
All the lonely feelings and the burning memories
Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door
Burning bridges lost forevermore ...."
The Mike Curb Congregation - Burning Bridges
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 9
Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted ....
I really struggled with this one and I was hoping there was some mention of mulligans in the rules but I don’t see any. I ran this through my brain a couple different ways last night but never got anywhere with it. I know what it means by letting someone drift away. Friends or acquaintances that you share your life with that just slip away for no apparent reason and no matter how hard you try and stop it.
One would tend to think of high school friends first but I didn't have any close friends in high school other than on the hockey team. That was more sports related than anything else so what we shared ended with the final season. I probably could have been voted most likely to be dead or in jail before the first reunion so the only people that wanted to be my friend I didn’t want to be friends with.
College was different in many ways. I had friends and some close ones but I can’t think of any that drifted away. I tended to be hard on friends back than so I always saw the burnout coming and pretty much walked away. But my two closest friends in college are still two of my closest friends today. I lived with one when I worked at Penn State and I live with the other here in the Village.
The closest I can come to this is a girl I met a couple years ago while I was still at Penn State. It sounds funny but it really was one of those another time another place things and we both realized that. She flew off to the other coast just before I moved to the Village so we didn’t so much drift apart as fly. I talk to her a couple times a week so I suppose we are still as close as two girls on opposite coasts can be.
Now I wrote all that and I never did totally answer the question. I'm probably starting to over think these 'truths' but that may be why I originally stated this project. To see if it made me think, really to see what it made me think.
I really struggled with this one and I was hoping there was some mention of mulligans in the rules but I don’t see any. I ran this through my brain a couple different ways last night but never got anywhere with it. I know what it means by letting someone drift away. Friends or acquaintances that you share your life with that just slip away for no apparent reason and no matter how hard you try and stop it.
One would tend to think of high school friends first but I didn't have any close friends in high school other than on the hockey team. That was more sports related than anything else so what we shared ended with the final season. I probably could have been voted most likely to be dead or in jail before the first reunion so the only people that wanted to be my friend I didn’t want to be friends with.
College was different in many ways. I had friends and some close ones but I can’t think of any that drifted away. I tended to be hard on friends back than so I always saw the burnout coming and pretty much walked away. But my two closest friends in college are still two of my closest friends today. I lived with one when I worked at Penn State and I live with the other here in the Village.
The closest I can come to this is a girl I met a couple years ago while I was still at Penn State. It sounds funny but it really was one of those another time another place things and we both realized that. She flew off to the other coast just before I moved to the Village so we didn’t so much drift apart as fly. I talk to her a couple times a week so I suppose we are still as close as two girls on opposite coasts can be.
Now I wrote all that and I never did totally answer the question. I'm probably starting to over think these 'truths' but that may be why I originally stated this project. To see if it made me think, really to see what it made me think.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Observations from the Road 11.22
I stumbled onto this video while cruising through tumblr sites. I honestly had to watch it a few times before I finally decided it was real and not some kind of SNL like spoof. I also watched some of the other videos from the channel, vids with titles like 'I'm Happy When Queers Die', 'Homosexuals are a Disease Carrying Nasty Threat', and 'Gay Suicides Happen Because They're Gay.'
I could go on an unbelievable rant here but I’m not going to bother because these people don't make me mad so much as sick to my stomach. It’s just hard for me to believe that there are people in this world that actually think like this. Hell I’m lying because I always knew there were but to see that video on a supposed Christian channel just makes me glad I don’t attach that word to my name. Now the Republicans and there like piss me off but they are in it for a time honored political fact, money. These people just hate. But than that is just another time honored tradition, hate in the name of whatever god you believe in.
It’s people like this that make me proud I don’t have a religious bone in my body.
Besides that the video editing just sucks.
I could go on an unbelievable rant here but I’m not going to bother because these people don't make me mad so much as sick to my stomach. It’s just hard for me to believe that there are people in this world that actually think like this. Hell I’m lying because I always knew there were but to see that video on a supposed Christian channel just makes me glad I don’t attach that word to my name. Now the Republicans and there like piss me off but they are in it for a time honored political fact, money. These people just hate. But than that is just another time honored tradition, hate in the name of whatever god you believe in.
It’s people like this that make me proud I don’t have a religious bone in my body.
Besides that the video editing just sucks.
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 8
Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit ....
Well bloody hell there is no way I can get around this one. I have to be honest, one of the stories of my life seems to be that if somebody makes my life hell they don’t get to do it for long. For better or worse I have a long trail of burnt bridges in my past.
But than there is one person who I can never seem to completely erase from my mind. Maybe that bridge burned so hot it left scare tissue. When I think of her, and believe me I try not to, my emotions can run from one end of the spectrum to the other. If you have been reading you might be guessing this is the girl I should forgive and probably never will.
After dropping so many hints I suppose I should fill in some of the blanks. I met her my senior year at PSU, during the darkest period in my life. We were from the same area so after graduation we began a kind relationship that lasted off and on for years. When we met she had told me she was bi than, after three years, she met a guy and decided that she was no longer bi but straight and proceeded to tell her friends that she had no clue why she had wasted her time with me.
It finally all ended in the big mall scene where she said something that I honestly can't remember but I know included the word dyke. I totally freaked and ended up being banned from said mall for a year. Maybe not one of my prouder moments but one I just have to laugh about when I think about it. As somebody once said it was one of my better badass moments.
She emailed me not long after I moved to New York and seemed to want to talk but I wanted none of it. Not only had I burnt that bridge but I was bitter and was for a long time, I probably still am. Breaking up I could understand but I could never get passed the fact that she totally turned on me.
Well bloody hell there is no way I can get around this one. I have to be honest, one of the stories of my life seems to be that if somebody makes my life hell they don’t get to do it for long. For better or worse I have a long trail of burnt bridges in my past.
But than there is one person who I can never seem to completely erase from my mind. Maybe that bridge burned so hot it left scare tissue. When I think of her, and believe me I try not to, my emotions can run from one end of the spectrum to the other. If you have been reading you might be guessing this is the girl I should forgive and probably never will.
After dropping so many hints I suppose I should fill in some of the blanks. I met her my senior year at PSU, during the darkest period in my life. We were from the same area so after graduation we began a kind relationship that lasted off and on for years. When we met she had told me she was bi than, after three years, she met a guy and decided that she was no longer bi but straight and proceeded to tell her friends that she had no clue why she had wasted her time with me.
It finally all ended in the big mall scene where she said something that I honestly can't remember but I know included the word dyke. I totally freaked and ended up being banned from said mall for a year. Maybe not one of my prouder moments but one I just have to laugh about when I think about it. As somebody once said it was one of my better badass moments.
She emailed me not long after I moved to New York and seemed to want to talk but I wanted none of it. Not only had I burnt that bridge but I was bitter and was for a long time, I probably still am. Breaking up I could understand but I could never get passed the fact that she totally turned on me.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 7
Someone who has made my life worth living ....
And how the hell do I pick here? To start I'll take my family out of the running. Not that they don't belong but because it is the obvious choice and I would find myself writing about them again, probably starting to piss them off in the process. I don't want to be the topic of conversation at Thanksgiving dinner once again this year.
So where does that leave me? I’m not even sure how to take this one in that could it be someone I have never met but admire? Could be someone long gone such as van Gogh whose work I love and sometimes obsess over? There have been professors who have had a major impact on me and the head of the Art History School at Penn State who always seemed to see something in me that I never did. A couple of old friends who have been through so much with me and have pulled me along, sometimes kicking and screaming, and a newer friend who has become my inspiration and possibly my biggest fan. I just can't pick among them.
So it comes back to the obvious answer. The one person that made my life worth living was my mom and she always will be. Rather than write the same thing all over again I'll quote what I wrote on Mothers Day (l) ....
" .... I owe my mom so much. She was the first one to see something special behind my dark eyes. She would drag me around Philadelphia museums when I was barely old enough to walk. She was the first one to stick my fingers in paint, which was something that ended in quite a mess if I remember it correctly. And the first one to take me to wander the streets of New York and to visit MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) which was one of her favorite places in the world. She always praised my art but was also never afraid to criticize it ...."
A day doesn't go by without me thinking about her and sometimes it seems as if I miss her more now than I ever have.
And how the hell do I pick here? To start I'll take my family out of the running. Not that they don't belong but because it is the obvious choice and I would find myself writing about them again, probably starting to piss them off in the process. I don't want to be the topic of conversation at Thanksgiving dinner once again this year.
So where does that leave me? I’m not even sure how to take this one in that could it be someone I have never met but admire? Could be someone long gone such as van Gogh whose work I love and sometimes obsess over? There have been professors who have had a major impact on me and the head of the Art History School at Penn State who always seemed to see something in me that I never did. A couple of old friends who have been through so much with me and have pulled me along, sometimes kicking and screaming, and a newer friend who has become my inspiration and possibly my biggest fan. I just can't pick among them.
So it comes back to the obvious answer. The one person that made my life worth living was my mom and she always will be. Rather than write the same thing all over again I'll quote what I wrote on Mothers Day (l) ....
" .... I owe my mom so much. She was the first one to see something special behind my dark eyes. She would drag me around Philadelphia museums when I was barely old enough to walk. She was the first one to stick my fingers in paint, which was something that ended in quite a mess if I remember it correctly. And the first one to take me to wander the streets of New York and to visit MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) which was one of her favorite places in the world. She always praised my art but was also never afraid to criticize it ...."
A day doesn't go by without me thinking about her and sometimes it seems as if I miss her more now than I ever have.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 6
Something you hope you never have to do ....
You have to be kidding me. I actually thought hard about this one and in the end I had two answers. When I thought a little more I decided that one answer was more about death than about life and the question seems to be more about life so I scratched that one. Yes I'm going to just let that hang there but it's something I think I'll come back to in a separate post.
The thing I hope never to have to do is something I have done before. I never in my life want to spend another night in rehab. Again it's one of those things that you can't totally understand unless you have been there. Yes I needed it and yes it did its job but the withdrawal, loneliness, and the overwhelming feeling of being trapped combined to create a month of hell.
I suppose my personality didn't help. At the center I was in the idea was for you to socialize for support. My problem was I was at my darkest, deepest, anti-social best at that time so I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with my iPod for support. No computer and the only TVs were in the big common rooms which I tended to stay away from. I may be better off because I was there but I'll do almost anything to never be there again.
Now I'm already beginning to see a thread run through this project. As I said earlier it is something that I’ll just never put completely behind me. I have visions of one day being in an old age home thinking omg I'm back, that is if I make it to old age.
Life goes on.
You have to be kidding me. I actually thought hard about this one and in the end I had two answers. When I thought a little more I decided that one answer was more about death than about life and the question seems to be more about life so I scratched that one. Yes I'm going to just let that hang there but it's something I think I'll come back to in a separate post.
The thing I hope never to have to do is something I have done before. I never in my life want to spend another night in rehab. Again it's one of those things that you can't totally understand unless you have been there. Yes I needed it and yes it did its job but the withdrawal, loneliness, and the overwhelming feeling of being trapped combined to create a month of hell.
I suppose my personality didn't help. At the center I was in the idea was for you to socialize for support. My problem was I was at my darkest, deepest, anti-social best at that time so I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with my iPod for support. No computer and the only TVs were in the big common rooms which I tended to stay away from. I may be better off because I was there but I'll do almost anything to never be there again.
Now I'm already beginning to see a thread run through this project. As I said earlier it is something that I’ll just never put completely behind me. I have visions of one day being in an old age home thinking omg I'm back, that is if I make it to old age.
Life goes on.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 5
Something I hope to do in my life ....
Damn, this is the first one that is making me think. I don't plan that far ahead and at the moment I am torn about what direction I want to take. Hell I could make a list but I really should pick one thing. Moving to Paris is the easy answer to this one but it's too easy, possible at some point, and I have written about it before. Something I hope should be something in the back of my head, something I have thought seriously about but yet something I never have really planned.
I might have mentioned this to some friends but not many. I have worked in a museum and in galleries and have enjoyed every minute of it. I don't want to own my own gallery; I guess I don’t want to deal with the business aspects of it. But I would love to be the head curator of an art museum, a major museum. Be in charge of the collection, plan shows, and travel the globe looking for works to add to the collection.
I did look into it at one time and found one problem. To be the curator of any large museum usually requires a graduate degree in museum studies. At the time I didn't even know museum studies existed as a degree program, only a handful of schools offer it, and Penn State isn't one of them. Harvard and NYU seem to have the best programs. Can you say lottery?
So maybe this just falls into the dream category and not the hope. Well I never said this was going to be easy. Hopefully there is no test at the end of day thirty.
Damn, this is the first one that is making me think. I don't plan that far ahead and at the moment I am torn about what direction I want to take. Hell I could make a list but I really should pick one thing. Moving to Paris is the easy answer to this one but it's too easy, possible at some point, and I have written about it before. Something I hope should be something in the back of my head, something I have thought seriously about but yet something I never have really planned.
I might have mentioned this to some friends but not many. I have worked in a museum and in galleries and have enjoyed every minute of it. I don't want to own my own gallery; I guess I don’t want to deal with the business aspects of it. But I would love to be the head curator of an art museum, a major museum. Be in charge of the collection, plan shows, and travel the globe looking for works to add to the collection.
I did look into it at one time and found one problem. To be the curator of any large museum usually requires a graduate degree in museum studies. At the time I didn't even know museum studies existed as a degree program, only a handful of schools offer it, and Penn State isn't one of them. Harvard and NYU seem to have the best programs. Can you say lottery?
So maybe this just falls into the dream category and not the hope. Well I never said this was going to be easy. Hopefully there is no test at the end of day thirty.
Observations from the Window 11.19
Just a little post here to congratulate my sis one last time. Proud doesn’t begin to explain what I feel when I look back at the last month and her teams amazing run through the playoffs. But for lack of a better word I have to say I am so damn proud. Tenth seed in just their district they finished just two wins away from the state championship.
They lost 2-0, the first time they were shutout since September and only their second loss in 18 games. It would have been the schools first trip to the championship game in 28 years. When the tears are gone and the memory of the finality of the defeat wears off they can look back at what they did and realize one thing. They all are champions in so many ways and always will be.
And so it all came to an end Wednesday and I'm so sorry I couldn't be there but it just wasn’t meant to be. I saw as many games as I could and always drove away from them with a smile on my face. So maybe I wasn't meant to be there. I’ll just remember the games I did see and the conversation I had with her that night.
As for myself, I do know one thing too. I was never the captain and I was never a champion. Remind me to buy my sis a drink when she turns 21.
Now if I could get her to try on that Penn State jersey ....
Ryan Adams - So Alive
(I just realized this was my 200th post, who knew?)
They lost 2-0, the first time they were shutout since September and only their second loss in 18 games. It would have been the schools first trip to the championship game in 28 years. When the tears are gone and the memory of the finality of the defeat wears off they can look back at what they did and realize one thing. They all are champions in so many ways and always will be.
And so it all came to an end Wednesday and I'm so sorry I couldn't be there but it just wasn’t meant to be. I saw as many games as I could and always drove away from them with a smile on my face. So maybe I wasn't meant to be there. I’ll just remember the games I did see and the conversation I had with her that night.
As for myself, I do know one thing too. I was never the captain and I was never a champion. Remind me to buy my sis a drink when she turns 21.
Now if I could get her to try on that Penn State jersey ....
Ryan Adams - So Alive
(I just realized this was my 200th post, who knew?)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 4
Something you have to forgive someone for ....
The first really hard one to talk about. Actually it's easy to answer but it is very hard to talk about. Since I started this blog I have written about almost everything in my past but this one thing and I'm not going to get into it now. A friend of mine says it is the one demon I can't let go of and she is totally right.
It involves a long term relationship I was involved in a few years ago. More precisely it involves how it ended. Suffice to say it wasn't pretty, to be honest it was probably as ugly as a breakup can be. Lies, name calling, and other sordid nastiness coming from her. On the other hand I was well behaved. Well other than the shopping mall incident where I might have loudly shouted the f word and might have been escorted out by security.
If I had to forgive somebody for something she would probably be the one. But I have never been able bring myself to do it.
The first really hard one to talk about. Actually it's easy to answer but it is very hard to talk about. Since I started this blog I have written about almost everything in my past but this one thing and I'm not going to get into it now. A friend of mine says it is the one demon I can't let go of and she is totally right.
It involves a long term relationship I was involved in a few years ago. More precisely it involves how it ended. Suffice to say it wasn't pretty, to be honest it was probably as ugly as a breakup can be. Lies, name calling, and other sordid nastiness coming from her. On the other hand I was well behaved. Well other than the shopping mall incident where I might have loudly shouted the f word and might have been escorted out by security.
If I had to forgive somebody for something she would probably be the one. But I have never been able bring myself to do it.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 3
Something I have to forgive myself for ....
What I did to myself now over seven years ago. More than that what I did to my family and friends in the process. I'm an addict, I'll always be and addict, and I have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. It's hard to explain to somebody that hasn't been through it but it's impossible to completely put behind you. It's a demon always lurking in the background, always waiting for a new chance. People will say I have put it behind me, that I have moved on, and I politely agree knowing full well I never totally will.
A semester's worth of tuition money, a month in rehab, and a summer of my life lost forever. Worse than that is the way I feel people look at me. No matter what they say I know it has to shade their opinion of me. It's pretty damn much to forgive and I'm not sure I ever will.
Yes I am an addict.
What I did to myself now over seven years ago. More than that what I did to my family and friends in the process. I'm an addict, I'll always be and addict, and I have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. It's hard to explain to somebody that hasn't been through it but it's impossible to completely put behind you. It's a demon always lurking in the background, always waiting for a new chance. People will say I have put it behind me, that I have moved on, and I politely agree knowing full well I never totally will.
A semester's worth of tuition money, a month in rehab, and a summer of my life lost forever. Worse than that is the way I feel people look at me. No matter what they say I know it has to shade their opinion of me. It's pretty damn much to forgive and I'm not sure I ever will.
Yes I am an addict.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 2
Something you love about yourself ....
Well slightly more difficult than day 1 but I can handle this one too. The easy and quick answer is I really like being tall. I have been taller than average since high school and it brings a certain amount of self confidence with it. But that's too easy and honestly it isn't something I love as much as enjoy.
What I truly love is how I think, how my mind works and sees the world around me. I don't believe I see the world the same as most people do, I know I don't. It's almost as if I see it emotionally because sometimes I see color where there isn't any. When I paint I see every color and shade of the painting in my mind as if it was already finished. It might take days, a case of beer, and a carton of cigarettes to get it right but I'm not happy till it's just as I saw it.
Now the flip side of this is the wrong person might think it’s just the result of way too many dead brain cells coloring my brain. But no it's a gift. or a flaw, I seem to have been born with.
Than again it could be I'm just weird.
Well slightly more difficult than day 1 but I can handle this one too. The easy and quick answer is I really like being tall. I have been taller than average since high school and it brings a certain amount of self confidence with it. But that's too easy and honestly it isn't something I love as much as enjoy.
What I truly love is how I think, how my mind works and sees the world around me. I don't believe I see the world the same as most people do, I know I don't. It's almost as if I see it emotionally because sometimes I see color where there isn't any. When I paint I see every color and shade of the painting in my mind as if it was already finished. It might take days, a case of beer, and a carton of cigarettes to get it right but I'm not happy till it's just as I saw it.
Now the flip side of this is the wrong person might think it’s just the result of way too many dead brain cells coloring my brain. But no it's a gift. or a flaw, I seem to have been born with.
Than again it could be I'm just weird.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Thirty Days of Truths, Day 1
Something you hate about yourself ….
At first glance this one is so easy it almost makes me laugh and I can answer it in a few short sentences. I can become suddenly emo to an extreme. I might have a reason in my head but I don’t honestly need one. Sometimes darkness just swirls around in my head and it just happens.
See that was totally easy and made all the easier by the fact that I seem to be in one of the moods at the moment. The thing is now that I wrote it I have to sit back and think about what I wrote. And that is going to be the biggest problem doing this whole thing. I'm going to need another doctor until day 30.
Yes I can be emo, I can get into a mood so dark I make Ophelia seem like Cinderella. But I’m also an enigma, even to myself. I don’t want to say I enjoy the mood but sometimes I seem to thrive on it. I did one of my favorite paintings when I was in just such a mood. I hate the way I make people feel when I get this way but I have no control over it at all, the demons just take over. I can be moody, dark, anti-social, and totally withdraw inside myself and at the same moment want attention, need the attention. This means be nice but don't always expect much in return.
So I can be an anti-social attention whore. Just an enigma.
Why the hell did I start this?
At first glance this one is so easy it almost makes me laugh and I can answer it in a few short sentences. I can become suddenly emo to an extreme. I might have a reason in my head but I don’t honestly need one. Sometimes darkness just swirls around in my head and it just happens.
See that was totally easy and made all the easier by the fact that I seem to be in one of the moods at the moment. The thing is now that I wrote it I have to sit back and think about what I wrote. And that is going to be the biggest problem doing this whole thing. I'm going to need another doctor until day 30.
Yes I can be emo, I can get into a mood so dark I make Ophelia seem like Cinderella. But I’m also an enigma, even to myself. I don’t want to say I enjoy the mood but sometimes I seem to thrive on it. I did one of my favorite paintings when I was in just such a mood. I hate the way I make people feel when I get this way but I have no control over it at all, the demons just take over. I can be moody, dark, anti-social, and totally withdraw inside myself and at the same moment want attention, need the attention. This means be nice but don't always expect much in return.
So I can be an anti-social attention whore. Just an enigma.
Why the hell did I start this?
Thirty Days of Truths
I saw a tweet this morning that just grabbed me. I followed the link to a blog post titled “30 Days of Truths” and the idea just fascinates me. Every day you answer a question that tells a ‘truth’ about yourself. Personally I hate this time of year and it just seems like a perfect way to drag myself kicking and screaming into the holidays.
So here are the questions.
Day 01, Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02, Something you love about yourself.
Day 03, Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04, Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05, Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06, Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07, Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08, Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09, Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10, Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11, Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12, Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13, A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14, A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15, Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16, Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17, A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18, Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19, What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20, Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21, (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22, Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23, Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24, Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25, The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26, Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27, What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28, What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29, Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30, A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Some of them, like day 20, are going to be hard I’m sure but others, day 28 comes to mind, are going to be silly and fun. And for those of you going ‘oh %*&$’ I promise to keep you all out of it.
I know it says thirty days but you know me. With everything else I have my fingers in (no pun intended) I know I wont have time for some but I do promise to do them in order and have it finished by Christmas. I plan on starting later today so just fasten your seat belts a hold on tight, it could get interesting.
May the gods help me ....
So here are the questions.
Day 01, Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02, Something you love about yourself.
Day 03, Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04, Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05, Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06, Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07, Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08, Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09, Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10, Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11, Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12, Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13, A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14, A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15, Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16, Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17, A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18, Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19, What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20, Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21, (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22, Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23, Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24, Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25, The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26, Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27, What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28, What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29, Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30, A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Some of them, like day 20, are going to be hard I’m sure but others, day 28 comes to mind, are going to be silly and fun. And for those of you going ‘oh %*&$’ I promise to keep you all out of it.
I know it says thirty days but you know me. With everything else I have my fingers in (no pun intended) I know I wont have time for some but I do promise to do them in order and have it finished by Christmas. I plan on starting later today so just fasten your seat belts a hold on tight, it could get interesting.
May the gods help me ....
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Observations from the Road 11.13
A gorgeous fall day in central Pennsylvania with radiant sun light reflecting off the foliage in its last blaze of color before the end comes. And why am I back in central Pennsylvania? I was there to watch field hockey of course. The few remaining swathes of reds, oranges, and yellows cover the distant mountains as I sit in the stadium and watch as my sister's team won their semi final game in the state playoffs.
At the start it looked to be a blowout as they ran out to a 4-0 lead. But it never seems to be that easy and soon the score was 4-3 and the nail biter was on. I can't handle many more of these games because between texting and, well, nail biting my nails are a shadow of what they once were. But when it ended my sis was but two wins away from being a state champion. Tenth seed in their district to state champions would be all but unthinkable but yet so close to happening. Even now they can finish no worse than fourth in the state. I honestly don't have words to describe how good it feels or how proud I am of her.
Now the Penn State - Ohio State football game, I'm just going to stay as far away from this topic as possible. This game being the reason I'll be spending the night semi drunkish at my dad's instead of in the Village in my nice big bed. It's going to be a long drive to work in the morning.
I'm going back a little here but I never got around to writing about my visit to the 2010 New York Art Book Fair. The fair, which was held last weekend at PS1, over 200 publishers showing rare books, new books, used books, magazines, and other media of all sorts. For a couple of years I have wanted to get to the fair but never found myself in the city at the right time. I almost missed it again this time but got to it on the final day. One amazing thing about the fair was the buzz in the air which was louder than any show or gallery opening I have been at before.
I purposely went with very little cash because I knew what was going to happen and I totally don't need more books stacked around my bed. Still I left with my backpack filled to the breaking point. You go to a something like this and just have to wonder why people are always talking about print being dead as a media outlet as the three floors of this converted school building were so filled with book lovers that at times it was hard to move. One of my fav spots was the Gotebud with its “You Are Her” collection of hundreds of zines created by women, most of them affiliated with the Riot Grrrl punk movement. Goteblud, a San Francisco gallery owned by Matt Wobensmith, had a room all its own that I was told was almost as big as the gallery's store.
I stopped across the street for a cup of coffee to relax before heading to at the gallery and I have to say one thing. It was possibly the only cup of coffee I ever had that was worse than what I make.
Life goes on
Neil Young - Like A Hurricane
At the start it looked to be a blowout as they ran out to a 4-0 lead. But it never seems to be that easy and soon the score was 4-3 and the nail biter was on. I can't handle many more of these games because between texting and, well, nail biting my nails are a shadow of what they once were. But when it ended my sis was but two wins away from being a state champion. Tenth seed in their district to state champions would be all but unthinkable but yet so close to happening. Even now they can finish no worse than fourth in the state. I honestly don't have words to describe how good it feels or how proud I am of her.
Now the Penn State - Ohio State football game, I'm just going to stay as far away from this topic as possible. This game being the reason I'll be spending the night semi drunkish at my dad's instead of in the Village in my nice big bed. It's going to be a long drive to work in the morning.
I'm going back a little here but I never got around to writing about my visit to the 2010 New York Art Book Fair. The fair, which was held last weekend at PS1, over 200 publishers showing rare books, new books, used books, magazines, and other media of all sorts. For a couple of years I have wanted to get to the fair but never found myself in the city at the right time. I almost missed it again this time but got to it on the final day. One amazing thing about the fair was the buzz in the air which was louder than any show or gallery opening I have been at before.
I purposely went with very little cash because I knew what was going to happen and I totally don't need more books stacked around my bed. Still I left with my backpack filled to the breaking point. You go to a something like this and just have to wonder why people are always talking about print being dead as a media outlet as the three floors of this converted school building were so filled with book lovers that at times it was hard to move. One of my fav spots was the Gotebud with its “You Are Her” collection of hundreds of zines created by women, most of them affiliated with the Riot Grrrl punk movement. Goteblud, a San Francisco gallery owned by Matt Wobensmith, had a room all its own that I was told was almost as big as the gallery's store.
I stopped across the street for a cup of coffee to relax before heading to at the gallery and I have to say one thing. It was possibly the only cup of coffee I ever had that was worse than what I make.
Life goes on
Neil Young - Like A Hurricane
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Observations from the Window 11.11, Politics
Something rare and totally different happened over lunch today. The gallery conversation turned to politics. Not bands, not fashion, not theatre or movies, not even the newest conquests of the gallery elite. I have no idea what got into the girls today but politics it was. Mostly about a nagging feeling we all seem to have that the country is going down hill fast and all either party cares about is screwing the other party. I use the words party and screwing in a very banal way here.
Nothing very exciting came of the conversation other than the theory that the country needs a third political party. Not a party like the one that seems to spring up every four years but a true third party with a national organization and agenda. A party that is truly for the people and not just paying lip service as it goes about its own greedy business. A party right of center financially and far left of center socially, as far left as it can go. Granted it's not exactly what I would have in mind but this is all just hypothetical anyway. A party that wouldn't except donations from pacs or lobbyists but get all it’s funding from personal donations. You might laugh at that but just think of the hundreds of millions of dollars President Obama raised on the internet. He proved that it can be done but failed miserably is sustaining it once he was elected.
A party that wouldn't be afraid to call itself liberal and socialist. A party that wanted to take care of the people of this nation and not just the banks, brokerage houses, and other big monied interests. A party that cared about the environment and wanted to leave it better than it was when it took power. That would be willing to cut perverted defense spending and not cut education, science, and social security. A party that would be willing to try and do better than 'the best we can do' in every situation. A party that truly deeply cared about the people, all the people.
At this point maybe it's just an impossible dream but I think it's a dream worth having.
A little over an hour from now Jon Stewart will be the guest on 'The Rachel Maddow Show' and I can't wait. I have sent all my reminder emails and now it's time to get some coffee and veg on the couch until nine, just thought I would share this video. Too funny.
Nothing very exciting came of the conversation other than the theory that the country needs a third political party. Not a party like the one that seems to spring up every four years but a true third party with a national organization and agenda. A party that is truly for the people and not just paying lip service as it goes about its own greedy business. A party right of center financially and far left of center socially, as far left as it can go. Granted it's not exactly what I would have in mind but this is all just hypothetical anyway. A party that wouldn't except donations from pacs or lobbyists but get all it’s funding from personal donations. You might laugh at that but just think of the hundreds of millions of dollars President Obama raised on the internet. He proved that it can be done but failed miserably is sustaining it once he was elected.
A party that wouldn't be afraid to call itself liberal and socialist. A party that wanted to take care of the people of this nation and not just the banks, brokerage houses, and other big monied interests. A party that cared about the environment and wanted to leave it better than it was when it took power. That would be willing to cut perverted defense spending and not cut education, science, and social security. A party that would be willing to try and do better than 'the best we can do' in every situation. A party that truly deeply cared about the people, all the people.
At this point maybe it's just an impossible dream but I think it's a dream worth having.
A little over an hour from now Jon Stewart will be the guest on 'The Rachel Maddow Show' and I can't wait. I have sent all my reminder emails and now it's time to get some coffee and veg on the couch until nine, just thought I would share this video. Too funny.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Observations frim the Library 11.10, Randomness
A quick 'way to fucking go' to my mini-me, oops, I mean my sister whose field hockey team continued its amazing run with a first round state playoff win yesterday. This time they managed to not give my dad fits and won in regulation. Now they await word on when and where they will play on Saturday so I better warm up MapQuest while I wait to hear.
I'm writing this at the library and for some odd reason I find the library sexy. Not the librarian but the library itself. Maybe it's because I find intelligence sexy or maybe it's wondering what goes on in those private reading rooms. Or maybe I'm just crazy and find odd places sexy. Maybe I should just shut up before I say too damn much.
Recently I was asked how I can walk New York sidewalks and text at the same time. This had me a little bit paranoid as I never thought it was anything special. I mean I never walk into anybody or anything rude like that. But now I think I know what might be going on. Let me remind you that I might be above average in height for a girl. No let me rephrase that, in any kind of heel at all I'm frickin tall, pushing six feet and over. So it seems that if you have a tall dark moody lesbian walking down the sidewalk texting and not watching where she is going, well, you get the hell out of the way. Works for me.
Politically something has been bugging me for awhile now. They tell you Sarah Palin is as qualified as Barrack Obama to be President of the United States, than they tell you Barrack Obama isn’t qualified to be President, ipso facto. I think you can take it from there. Twitter, in its infinite wisdom, told me I should follow Sarah Palin USA. Either Twitter's models aren't working too well or Twitter has a sense of humor. Knowing the interwebs I'll go with the first choice.
And finally a little bit of a rant here. I smoke, I have smoked off and on since I was in high school, and I know I shouldn’t smoke but I do anyway. I try not to smoke inside even when I can because I really can't stand second hand smoke, it gives me a headache. I know that smoking is more likely to kill me than any other drug I have done in my life. But I saw today that the all powerful government is going require graphic warnings on cigarette packs now. The warnings will have to cover half the pack and will include pictures of dead bodies, cancerous lungs, and other suitably gruesome things. And they think this will make me quit smoking if I don’t want to? It didn’t work for my mom and it isn’t going to work for them because you can't scare a true addict out of their addiction.
How about you just buy me some gum instead?
Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me
I'm writing this at the library and for some odd reason I find the library sexy. Not the librarian but the library itself. Maybe it's because I find intelligence sexy or maybe it's wondering what goes on in those private reading rooms. Or maybe I'm just crazy and find odd places sexy. Maybe I should just shut up before I say too damn much.
Recently I was asked how I can walk New York sidewalks and text at the same time. This had me a little bit paranoid as I never thought it was anything special. I mean I never walk into anybody or anything rude like that. But now I think I know what might be going on. Let me remind you that I might be above average in height for a girl. No let me rephrase that, in any kind of heel at all I'm frickin tall, pushing six feet and over. So it seems that if you have a tall dark moody lesbian walking down the sidewalk texting and not watching where she is going, well, you get the hell out of the way. Works for me.
Politically something has been bugging me for awhile now. They tell you Sarah Palin is as qualified as Barrack Obama to be President of the United States, than they tell you Barrack Obama isn’t qualified to be President, ipso facto. I think you can take it from there. Twitter, in its infinite wisdom, told me I should follow Sarah Palin USA. Either Twitter's models aren't working too well or Twitter has a sense of humor. Knowing the interwebs I'll go with the first choice.
And finally a little bit of a rant here. I smoke, I have smoked off and on since I was in high school, and I know I shouldn’t smoke but I do anyway. I try not to smoke inside even when I can because I really can't stand second hand smoke, it gives me a headache. I know that smoking is more likely to kill me than any other drug I have done in my life. But I saw today that the all powerful government is going require graphic warnings on cigarette packs now. The warnings will have to cover half the pack and will include pictures of dead bodies, cancerous lungs, and other suitably gruesome things. And they think this will make me quit smoking if I don’t want to? It didn’t work for my mom and it isn’t going to work for them because you can't scare a true addict out of their addiction.
How about you just buy me some gum instead?
Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Observations on Photography 11.9
I had a rather interesting email conversation with a friend yesterday. We are both lovers of B&W photography. After looking at my recent shots she asked me a rather obvious question but one that I had never thought about before. Basically she asked if you take content out of a photo, in this case the color, why does a rather basic snapshot suddenly become more serious, more a work of art and not just a snapshot.
I never took more than basic photography courses in school so I had to give it some thought before I answered and came up with one thought in particular. In taking the color out of the photo maybe the photographer makes the viewer subconsciously try and put it back in and in so doing makes the viewer dwell on it longer. As my friend put it so well, “with color your brain automatically looks at it and says 'yeah, I know what that is, next.'”
I work almost exclusively in mono because I think it is the most expressive form of photography. The only times I use color are when I am just taking snapshots, highlighting with mellow shades, or the color is just so brilliant it screams out to be used. Still one of the simplest ways to grab an art viewer’s eye is with color. Obviously this is something you can't do with B&W and so you are forced to use textures and the tones themselves. Your mind looks at a composition in a totally different way. Textures, tones, and patterns can be so exciting without color taking away from them as the subtle changes become profound and jump from the shot.
Contrast is something else you can use more and to better effect in B&W shots. You don't have to worry about the many different colors in a composition and how they each blend with the other or reflect the light. Contrast becomes so distinct that, with the use of dark shadows and bright lights, you are able to see or show things you normally wouldn’t be able to. Try this in a color shot and, as I told my friend, the photo just becomes an abstract. Funny thing is I love abstract painting but I never was a big fan of abstract in photography.
Something else I personally am not a fan of is the current trend towards 'partial color' photos. Partial color is the style of honing in and enhancing with bright color one particular part of an otherwise B&W photo. As I said sometimes I will use mellow shades to highlight a shot but what I was talking about when I said that was a bleeding away of color in the whole shot until it becomes barely visible.
I could go on about this all day but I didn’t set out to write a book here. I just wanted to expand on an interesting conversation between two ‘color photo snobs.’
Life goes on
Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me
I never took more than basic photography courses in school so I had to give it some thought before I answered and came up with one thought in particular. In taking the color out of the photo maybe the photographer makes the viewer subconsciously try and put it back in and in so doing makes the viewer dwell on it longer. As my friend put it so well, “with color your brain automatically looks at it and says 'yeah, I know what that is, next.'”
I work almost exclusively in mono because I think it is the most expressive form of photography. The only times I use color are when I am just taking snapshots, highlighting with mellow shades, or the color is just so brilliant it screams out to be used. Still one of the simplest ways to grab an art viewer’s eye is with color. Obviously this is something you can't do with B&W and so you are forced to use textures and the tones themselves. Your mind looks at a composition in a totally different way. Textures, tones, and patterns can be so exciting without color taking away from them as the subtle changes become profound and jump from the shot.
Contrast is something else you can use more and to better effect in B&W shots. You don't have to worry about the many different colors in a composition and how they each blend with the other or reflect the light. Contrast becomes so distinct that, with the use of dark shadows and bright lights, you are able to see or show things you normally wouldn’t be able to. Try this in a color shot and, as I told my friend, the photo just becomes an abstract. Funny thing is I love abstract painting but I never was a big fan of abstract in photography.
Something else I personally am not a fan of is the current trend towards 'partial color' photos. Partial color is the style of honing in and enhancing with bright color one particular part of an otherwise B&W photo. As I said sometimes I will use mellow shades to highlight a shot but what I was talking about when I said that was a bleeding away of color in the whole shot until it becomes barely visible.
I could go on about this all day but I didn’t set out to write a book here. I just wanted to expand on an interesting conversation between two ‘color photo snobs.’
Life goes on
Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Observations from the Window 11.7, the Sis
I made a run down to my dad's yesterday to see my sister's big field hockey game. I never got to play in a district championship game myself but I can easily imagine how nervous she was. I should say if my dad and I were any indication I could imagine it. I was so nervous I left my camera in my apartment and had to make due with an old one I keep in Foxy.
They played the defending district and state champions to a regulation time draw at a score of 2-2. Than once again they won the game with just minutes left in the OT period. After the game we followed the team bus back to school in a caravan, horns honking all the way, the last five miles with a siren blaring fire engine and police escort.
Later we celebrated by watching as Joe Paterno got his 400th win as head coach as Penn State defeated Northwestern in the biggest come from behind win in Penn State history. At the risk of annoying my sister I just had to mention Joe Paterno here. One man, one school, and 400 wins, it's just something that will never happen again. But earlier today I got a text from my her and she was a little annoyed that JoePa's achievement had knocked her big win off the front of the local sports page.
I have said before how much I enjoyed playing field hockey and how much I admire my sister but I am going to mention it again. The girl is so much better than I ever was, and I like to think I was pretty damn good. She doesn't have my height or reach, she isn't a big goal scorer either, but she plays with a never ending tenacity that just seems to wear opposing players down. Now my mini-me is just four wins away from a state championship and I couldn't be any prouder of her. I guess it is time I stop calling her my mini-me.
My dad told me that in a last minute morning decision she opted to wear a single pearl on a gold chain instead of her usual peace sign necklace. The pearl was our mom's and our grandmother's before that. Now I'm not sure which will be around her the longest, the pearl or the gold medal.
My sister the champion, I like the sound of that.
Green Day - We Are The Champions
11/9/2010 update - My sister's team won their first state playoff game by a 2-1 score.
They played the defending district and state champions to a regulation time draw at a score of 2-2. Than once again they won the game with just minutes left in the OT period. After the game we followed the team bus back to school in a caravan, horns honking all the way, the last five miles with a siren blaring fire engine and police escort.
Later we celebrated by watching as Joe Paterno got his 400th win as head coach as Penn State defeated Northwestern in the biggest come from behind win in Penn State history. At the risk of annoying my sister I just had to mention Joe Paterno here. One man, one school, and 400 wins, it's just something that will never happen again. But earlier today I got a text from my her and she was a little annoyed that JoePa's achievement had knocked her big win off the front of the local sports page.
I have said before how much I enjoyed playing field hockey and how much I admire my sister but I am going to mention it again. The girl is so much better than I ever was, and I like to think I was pretty damn good. She doesn't have my height or reach, she isn't a big goal scorer either, but she plays with a never ending tenacity that just seems to wear opposing players down. Now my mini-me is just four wins away from a state championship and I couldn't be any prouder of her. I guess it is time I stop calling her my mini-me.
My dad told me that in a last minute morning decision she opted to wear a single pearl on a gold chain instead of her usual peace sign necklace. The pearl was our mom's and our grandmother's before that. Now I'm not sure which will be around her the longest, the pearl or the gold medal.
My sister the champion, I like the sound of that.
Green Day - We Are The Champions
11/9/2010 update - My sister's team won their first state playoff game by a 2-1 score.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Observations from the Bar 11.4, A Special Comment
So I am sitting at the bar with some friends in the back corner table that I have adopted. It reminds me of the back corner table at the bar at Penn State that I adopted. The back corner table is next to the back corner TV and I have my hands on the remote that works the back corner TV. At 8 and I turn on MSNBC to watch Keith Olbermann but I find somebody else is sitting in his chair. I just figured he took the night off to recover from the election and the end of baseball season.
But no I soon discover MSNBC suspended him because he donated an astronomical combined $7500 to three election campaigns. What pathetic bullshit is this? Did he go on the air and say I donated and so should you? I don’t think so. Did he tell his viewers who to vote for? I don’t think so. I was ready to go on a tirade here about every citizen's right to donate to whom ever they want. Than, while checking it out, I came upon these words ....
"NBC has a rule against employees contributing to political campaigns."
As much as I hate to say it you were wrong, you broke the rule. Now I of all people understand the breaking of rules, it's what I do. But nobody will care when I crash and burn because of that. On the other hand you have millions of viewers who hang on every word of your special comments as if they were gospel and watch you every night. You aren’t Sean Hannity, you don't work at Fox *News*, and right or not your viewers hold you to a higher standard.
As for NBC, one night would have been more than enough to make your point. Suspended indefinitely? One has to wonder how many of you up in the tower have donated to one campaign or another too. And what about Pat Buchanan and Joe Scarborough who also contributed?
In the end, MSNBC you just suck.
morning update - As always Rachel says it best. the Maddow Blog
11/8/10 update - Olbermann returns to the air tomorrow, Tuesday, night. The link includes his full statement in which he thanks viewers and blasts NBC. Daily Kos
But no I soon discover MSNBC suspended him because he donated an astronomical combined $7500 to three election campaigns. What pathetic bullshit is this? Did he go on the air and say I donated and so should you? I don’t think so. Did he tell his viewers who to vote for? I don’t think so. I was ready to go on a tirade here about every citizen's right to donate to whom ever they want. Than, while checking it out, I came upon these words ....
"NBC has a rule against employees contributing to political campaigns."
As much as I hate to say it you were wrong, you broke the rule. Now I of all people understand the breaking of rules, it's what I do. But nobody will care when I crash and burn because of that. On the other hand you have millions of viewers who hang on every word of your special comments as if they were gospel and watch you every night. You aren’t Sean Hannity, you don't work at Fox *News*, and right or not your viewers hold you to a higher standard.
As for NBC, one night would have been more than enough to make your point. Suspended indefinitely? One has to wonder how many of you up in the tower have donated to one campaign or another too. And what about Pat Buchanan and Joe Scarborough who also contributed?
In the end, MSNBC you just suck.
morning update - As always Rachel says it best. the Maddow Blog
11/8/10 update - Olbermann returns to the air tomorrow, Tuesday, night. The link includes his full statement in which he thanks viewers and blasts NBC. Daily Kos
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Observations from my Bed 11.3
And so it's after two in the morning and I can't turn off the TV, still glued to MSNBC. It must be Rachel in that grey blazer because it cant be Matthews, sometimes the man just doesn’t know when to shut it. Election night comes to an end and I have no idea what it means but I do know one thing. Sharron Angle hopefully enjoyed her fifteen minutes of fame and now can take her bigoted ass back into whatever desert hole she crawled out of.
Some random thoughts from a night of election watching. Andrew Coumo crushed Carl Paladino like a bug on the windshield and I would be only to happy to be the one turning on the wipers. Outgoing Governor Ed of Pennsylvania called democrats wussies. As much as I hate to admit it he spoke the truth. God dems open your mouths and kick some ass! We are right and they are wrong. Don't try and be so damn civil and just say it. Say it! Governor elect of California Jerry Brown might not be the youngest guy but he rocks.
Watched John Boehner give a little 'we won' speech. Dude had tears in his eyes, choked up, must have been because his new tanning bed had just arrived. Keith Olbermann had the best line here when he said he said he thought the Democrats should be the ones crying tonight.
Headline of the night ....
" BREAKING: Openly gay Providence mayor elected to Congress."
My favorite tweets ....
@billmaher: Its Election Day! Unless ur a billionaire, vote for the party that gave u healthcare, stopped a Depression and got out of Iraq
@erockett89: Rachels like Chris stfu and dont talk over me before I bitch slap you. bitch.
@BrianLynch: Meg Whitman discovered the position of governer does not have a "Buy it Now" option.
And a final thought. How in the name of any god could Rand Paul be elected to the United States Senate? Bigot, bully, thug. He will be heard, he will be seen, but in the end he will amount to nothing. But still he was elected and it boggles my mind. Think about that over your morning coffee.
Life goes on
update - Two morning observations. I don't think Lawrence O'Donnell sleeps, at all. Seriously the man was on until 1AM and there he is again. And Mika Brzezinski in a black turtleneck and slacks, enough said.
update 2 - One final tweet than I get on with my life ....
@tbogg: 7 in 10 seniors say no to Prop19. http://tiny.cc/tz610 Let's take away their medical marijuana cards.Arthritis pain? Man up, grandma
Pink - Raise Your Glass
Some random thoughts from a night of election watching. Andrew Coumo crushed Carl Paladino like a bug on the windshield and I would be only to happy to be the one turning on the wipers. Outgoing Governor Ed of Pennsylvania called democrats wussies. As much as I hate to admit it he spoke the truth. God dems open your mouths and kick some ass! We are right and they are wrong. Don't try and be so damn civil and just say it. Say it! Governor elect of California Jerry Brown might not be the youngest guy but he rocks.
Watched John Boehner give a little 'we won' speech. Dude had tears in his eyes, choked up, must have been because his new tanning bed had just arrived. Keith Olbermann had the best line here when he said he said he thought the Democrats should be the ones crying tonight.
Headline of the night ....
" BREAKING: Openly gay Providence mayor elected to Congress."
My favorite tweets ....
@billmaher: Its Election Day! Unless ur a billionaire, vote for the party that gave u healthcare, stopped a Depression and got out of Iraq
@erockett89: Rachels like Chris stfu and dont talk over me before I bitch slap you. bitch.
@BrianLynch: Meg Whitman discovered the position of governer does not have a "Buy it Now" option.
And a final thought. How in the name of any god could Rand Paul be elected to the United States Senate? Bigot, bully, thug. He will be heard, he will be seen, but in the end he will amount to nothing. But still he was elected and it boggles my mind. Think about that over your morning coffee.
Life goes on
update - Two morning observations. I don't think Lawrence O'Donnell sleeps, at all. Seriously the man was on until 1AM and there he is again. And Mika Brzezinski in a black turtleneck and slacks, enough said.
update 2 - One final tweet than I get on with my life ....
@tbogg: 7 in 10 seniors say no to Prop19. http://tiny.cc/tz610 Let's take away their medical marijuana cards.Arthritis pain? Man up, grandma
Pink - Raise Your Glass
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Observations from the Library 11.2
Today I voted for the first time as a resident of New York. The polling place was only a couple blocks away and just before lunch the line wasn't too long. It was so funny though because here I am standing in line to vote in the heart of the Village, not far from NYU and WSP. You just have to try and imagine the variety of people in this line. Too funny, it's probably the only day of the year some of them see the sun.
I found one sweet thing about Election Day. I can sit in one of the reading rooms at the library and watch MSNBC. It seems Rachel Maddow is going to be the air quite often today. That’s not a bad thing at all. Also I can keep up with things via twitter, below are some of my fav tweets so far ....
@RachelPoPachel: If you haven't early voted & are not voting tomorrow (and capable to) just unfollow me now. #EveryVoteCounts #GetOffYourAss&Vote
@DavidCornDC: I'm gonna go with #fortheloveofgodenoughalready2010
@KeithOlbermann: Just a reminder: if you vote GOP today or sit it out, you are voting for a tax cut FOR ME and none FOR YOU
@L8enough: Please vote. Even you wacky Republicans. But maybe y'all should wait until the lines are shorter. I'm thinking tomorrow.
I am sure I'll have something to say later but I think that is all the politics for now. It's not the end of the world people.
I do want to wish my sis good luck in her big game later today. A win and they play for the district championship on Saturday. I'll be there tonight via text, glued to my Droid, hoping my dad doesn't forget me.
update - As much as it turns my stomach to say it I think I have to become a big Sarah Palin fan. One thing everybody, Republican leaders included, seems to agree on is that if the Repubes nominate her in two years Obama will kick her sweet ass. Not that I think she has a sweet ass nor have I ever seen it.
update 2 - My sister's team won their playoff game by a score of 2-1 with less than a minute left in overtime and so play for the district championship Saturday at noon. Just awesome, the tenth seed playing for the championship, they just never gave up. I'm so fucking proud I could cry.
I found one sweet thing about Election Day. I can sit in one of the reading rooms at the library and watch MSNBC. It seems Rachel Maddow is going to be the air quite often today. That’s not a bad thing at all. Also I can keep up with things via twitter, below are some of my fav tweets so far ....
@RachelPoPachel: If you haven't early voted & are not voting tomorrow (and capable to) just unfollow me now. #EveryVoteCounts #GetOffYourAss&Vote
@DavidCornDC: I'm gonna go with #fortheloveofgodenoughalready2010
@KeithOlbermann: Just a reminder: if you vote GOP today or sit it out, you are voting for a tax cut FOR ME and none FOR YOU
@L8enough: Please vote. Even you wacky Republicans. But maybe y'all should wait until the lines are shorter. I'm thinking tomorrow.
I am sure I'll have something to say later but I think that is all the politics for now. It's not the end of the world people.
I do want to wish my sis good luck in her big game later today. A win and they play for the district championship on Saturday. I'll be there tonight via text, glued to my Droid, hoping my dad doesn't forget me.
update - As much as it turns my stomach to say it I think I have to become a big Sarah Palin fan. One thing everybody, Republican leaders included, seems to agree on is that if the Repubes nominate her in two years Obama will kick her sweet ass. Not that I think she has a sweet ass nor have I ever seen it.
update 2 - My sister's team won their playoff game by a score of 2-1 with less than a minute left in overtime and so play for the district championship Saturday at noon. Just awesome, the tenth seed playing for the championship, they just never gave up. I'm so fucking proud I could cry.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Observations from the Window 11.1, Art
I had the opportunity to do allot of thinking on the drive back from my dad's yesterday morning. A three hour drive that turns into four gives you plenty of time to roll things around in your head. As they say a brain, ok I guess they say a mind, is a terrible thing to waste. I like to keep my mind as active as possible, sometimes to the detriment of society. One of my rules of the road is to not think too much when dodging trailer trucks on an interstate. So much for another rule, that and the do not text while driving rule. I get yelled at for that one all the time.
One thing I was dwelling on was the current debate inside my head about painting and photography. At some level I still have the need to paint, I still think of composition ideas to the point of mixing colors and testing paints. But I never seem to be able to pull the trigger on a project. I have friends and relatives telling me all the time that I need to paint and I do want to. I had to laugh Saturday night when I was talking about it with my dad. He said maybe I should come home over Thanksgiving, lock myself away, and spend a couple days painting like I used to do. Little does he know what went on behind that locked door. Ooops!
On the other hand I am now almost constantly taking photos, sometimes dozens a day, most of which get deleted. But I so enjoy looking for that one shot out of those dozens. I suppose it fills the need I have to create, to find that thing that I look at and say I made that and it's good. Maybe that is arrogant or egotistical on my part but I love that feeling. It's honestly like a drug to me, a brief high; it fuels my drive to create.
I'm not sure where I am going with this but than I guess that is exactly the point. I really don't know where I am going artistically. I do know a couple things. A DSLR camera doesn’t smell nearly as good as acrylic paints and I will never, ever, enjoy taking a photo as much as I do locking myself away for a few days to paint.
Time will tell
Skillet - Awake and Alive
[warning - Tomorrow is a very important election day. If you are reading this and old enough (sorry sis, next year!) and don't vote that dark clad tall girl might come knocking at your door again. This time no bag of Kit Kats will save you.]
One thing I was dwelling on was the current debate inside my head about painting and photography. At some level I still have the need to paint, I still think of composition ideas to the point of mixing colors and testing paints. But I never seem to be able to pull the trigger on a project. I have friends and relatives telling me all the time that I need to paint and I do want to. I had to laugh Saturday night when I was talking about it with my dad. He said maybe I should come home over Thanksgiving, lock myself away, and spend a couple days painting like I used to do. Little does he know what went on behind that locked door. Ooops!
On the other hand I am now almost constantly taking photos, sometimes dozens a day, most of which get deleted. But I so enjoy looking for that one shot out of those dozens. I suppose it fills the need I have to create, to find that thing that I look at and say I made that and it's good. Maybe that is arrogant or egotistical on my part but I love that feeling. It's honestly like a drug to me, a brief high; it fuels my drive to create.
I'm not sure where I am going with this but than I guess that is exactly the point. I really don't know where I am going artistically. I do know a couple things. A DSLR camera doesn’t smell nearly as good as acrylic paints and I will never, ever, enjoy taking a photo as much as I do locking myself away for a few days to paint.
Time will tell
Skillet - Awake and Alive
[warning - Tomorrow is a very important election day. If you are reading this and old enough (sorry sis, next year!) and don't vote that dark clad tall girl might come knocking at your door again. This time no bag of Kit Kats will save you.]
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