Observations from the Road 12.31

Literally from the road ....

New Years Eve and I am yet again on the bus but this time going home for Foxy. The garage where I keep her was finally plowed so with nothing better to do I decided to head home now which gives the added benefit of it keeping me out of trouble tonight. It was a totally good idea because the bus is almost empty so I can stretch out over two seats without acting like a bish first.

Anyways the only reason I'm writing this is because the bus has wifi and damnit I'm going to literally post this from the road. Post what? Post sports trivia, women's sports trivia to be more precise. I was reading an article about UConn's women's basketball team losing after 90 straight wins last night and it reminded me of the Penn State women's volleyball team losing after 109 straight wins. Than something suddenly dawned on me and I think I should be calling ESPN.

On April 6, 2008 the Stanford Cardinals women’s basketball team beat the UConn Huskies in the NCAA semifinals. Uconn went on to win 90 straight games before losing to the same Stanford team last night.

On September 15, 2007 the Stanford Cardinals women’s volleyball team beat the Penn State Nittany Lions in the Yale Classic. Penn State went on to win those 109 straight matches only to lose to the same Stanford Cardinals back in September.

There has to be a lesson to be learned in that somewhere but I have no idea what it would be other than damn those Cardinals. You reading this Sports Center?

Now one request. Have a few drinks and play this vid for me around midnight or whenever the hell you see this. If this doesn't make you jump nothing ever will.

KORN - Coming Undone, Acid Remix

Observations from the Snowpocalypse 12.29

The apocalypse in white is an apt description of the Village just days after the second 'great blizzard' of 2010. I suppose this is just our first because New York City itself was spared the worst of last winter's big storm. After two days of traveling, shoveling and wandering in the wasteland I am going to soak in a tub of hot water for as long as humanly possible. But first my thoughts from the snowpocalypse* ....

As I tried to get back to snow choked New York I quickly remembered something about long distance bus travel. I should never wear boots with any kind of heel at all because I'm too tall and even the two inch heels I had on made me feel cramped for space in no time at all. Also an MP3 player is an absolute must because you can put on the earbuds and zone out even if you aren't listening to anything. Just the mere appearance of the tall, cramped, zoned out dark bish is enough to keep people away, Sometimes it's just enough to get you two seats by yourself too.

A normal three hour bus trip stretched to four until I made it back. The city was a hodgepodge of stuck taxis, buses, and every other mode of transport imaginable. Only the ever present bicycle messengers seemed to be moving normally, albeit some were on mountain bikes. When I finally made it to our apartment building I found the entrance piled high with snow. Than at the gallery the sidewalk was in need of shoveling and I quickly decided that I should have stayed at my Dad's with Foxy. But shovel I did, from the gallery all the way to the liquor store up the street. After all I am no fool. I survived this back breaking labor relatively unscathed but for some sore muscles and a likely ruined pair of leather boots. Than again leather boots are never ruined to me, they just get worn with a diff outfit.

The one part of the city that does seem to have been cleared fast is Times Square. That is pretty easy to understand what with New Years Eve fast approaching. One doesn't want to worry about thousands of psycho snow ball wielding inebriated rubberneckers when terrorists are to be dealt with. And I'm sure the Mayor doesn't want to have this live TV quasi advertisement for the gleaming city disrupted either. How can Mayor Bloomberg expect to be President if he can't even get the snow cleared off the streets?

But I do have to say the city was beautiful when I got back, totally a disaster but still beautiful. Yesterday the snow was still a brilliant white in the Village and not the usual salt splattered grey you get used to seeing around here. The white snow under a clear blue sky just reminded me of the mountains, but not quite, somehow the towers don't remind me of trees.

After a day of shoveling and pretending the gallery was open I declared today a snow day and went exploring. Below is a link to some of what I found.

"the apocalypse in White" a set on flickr.

*Urban Dictionary: Snowpocalypse - A weather condition in which the amount of fallen snow, while not really such a big deal, wreaks havoc on a city, effectively shutting it down and leaving its citizens stunned and unable to see any sign of hope or a return to normalcy.

Observations from the Road 12.26

Christmas, nothing quite like Christmas. You have to love a day where it is perfectly acceptable to be drinking with the family before noon, I mean 11AM, oh it doesn't matter so never mind. It's almost like all day indoor tailgating with gifts with bonus of getting to shock the relatives just like on Thanksgiving. The first bottle of wine was finished twenty minutes after I opened it, that was not good. On the plus side I used a meat thermometer for the very first time and I'm so damn proud. Maybe if I ever give up on art I can open a diner, a kinda Goth diner coffee shop hangout kinda place. Guy Fieri could stop by and do a show.

But now back to reality, I woke up this morning and saw blizzard warnings had been issued for NYC. I think a blizzard warning is the NWS's way of saying 'you people are fucked' but they are too polite to say it. As the first flakes begin to fall here I'm keeping my eye on twitter to see what is going on up in the city. Evidently not much as I write this ....

@KeithOlbermann Not much to see here yet, Snowpocalyptically speaking. Still counting # of flakes not # of inches http://moby.to/x46ugo

But it does seem the dreaded snowpocalypse is back for a second year in a row. All I can think is what the hell? I don't remember New York getting hit with all these storms before I moved there but than I didn't pay much attention either. Now I seem to be trapped at my dad's for the time being because I totally refuse to take Foxy out in a blizzard. Actually I'm trying to talk my dad into parking his truck outside so I can use part of the garage to keep her clean and dry. I'm not getting anywhere with that and my best puppy dog eyes don't seem to work on him anymore. Personally I think he is just pissed off that the Eagles game has been postponed, as he said it's just snow.

So for now it looks like a day of eating, movies, and the last of the wine. But I might need more wine.

18:00 update - Watching the Weather Channel, that Samantha Mohr has an awesome hairstyle. Just sayin. Oh and it's still snowing ....

23:00 update - Ash says there is a foot of snow on the ground, more like on the sidewalk in the Village. No buses are running and the power is flickering, which happens to our old building when somebody sneezes hard. As for PA, buses to NYC are cancelled until 9AM and wine is running low ....

23:50 and final update - Foxy is spending the night in the garage, where puppy dog eyes fail tears never fail to do. Now I have to finish my porn discussion on twitter ....

My Christmas Wish

I wish I had woke up and seen a black Ferrari California in the front yard with a big pink bow around it. Yes pink! For the California I’ll even take a pink bow. I’ll be pissed but I’ll still take it.

But seriously, what would I wish upon that big Christmas star?

It sounds kind of lame but I wish we could all get along. I don’t mean agree because that is never going to happen, just get along would be good enough. There are too many damn probs in this little world of ours to argue about every damn thing.

It shouldn’t matter what color your skin is, what party you belong to, whether you are gay or lesbian, catholic or muslim, or believe in the spaghetti monster for christ’s sake. We just have this one little place we call home and it gets smaller every day. It would be so awesome if we all realized that because if we don’t one day soon the whole house of cards will come tumbling down around us and we all will all to blame.

So that is my Christmas wish. Look at that ahole next to you and say heyas and Merry Christmas. Than ask how they are, how their life is going, just talk.

Barring that the California will do just fine ....

Joyeux Noël

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 30

Tell yourself everything you love about yourself ....

Thirty days and this is all it comes down to? No shattering cosmic event to portend events in my future? This sucks! I love way I use the English language, that's what I love about myself. But seriously, everything I like about myself. Well some I have said before and some I haven't but here it is. Day 30 ....

I love my eyes because sometimes they are so dark they look black. And no I don’t wear colored contacts either so don't ask. They always looked so awesome on Goth Friday. I love being tall, I always have, and I like my body too. That's a good thing because with my metabolism it isn't going to change any time soon, besides I know it well. As much as I have a love/hate relationship with it I honestly do like my hair. I never have had short hair and have never really wanted it short, sorry to disappoint some. I love the way it looks wet and I love the way it looks straight but half the time it is neither, it's just a mess. I have a name for that look but I'll keep it to myself.

I love the way my mind works, the way I think and see the world around me. Actually there was a time I thought I was a bit insane until I was told I have four photopigments instead of the normal three, basically the opposite of color blindness. Who knew? As much as I know it can turn people off fast I love my arrogant personality. I also know it's just a cover but I like the softer side it is covering too. I care about things without really trying to, I just do.

But what I love the most about myself is the fact that I can create, I can show what I see. It's something I never like to talk about but I know I have a talent. I love to be able to see something in my mind and be able to share it. Whether sketching it, painting it, or just shooting it. It really doesn't matter to me, I just like to share. I like to be able to take my world and, however briefly, make it your world too. It's a good thing I can because along the way I have killed so many brain cells that, well, Walmart might have been the only other option.

It sounds a bit vain but I suppose what I love about myself is myself. When I look in the mirror I have few regrets. I'm just perfectly happy how I have turned out so far, except those days when I'm not ....

I’m just an enigma.

So there you have it, thirty ‘truths’ in a little over thirty days. I said I would finish it before Christmas and I do believe I have.
Merry Christmas everybody!

U2 - I Believe In Father Christmas

Observations from the Journey 12.23

No words necessary ....

Observations from the Coffee Shop 12.23

Not long ago I wrote a post for truth number 14 in which I said President Obama was someone who let me down. With but one more truth to write I want to take a moment and take that one back. With all the excitement of the last couple days I realized it has been an amazing two years. Maybe not everything I had hoped for but than reality rarely lives up to the dream that created it.

The list is now a long one. The START treaty, 9-11 first responders bill, health care reform, Wall Street reform, hate crimes bill, recovery act, food safety legislation, clean energy legislation, and student loan reform. Plus he appointed two female Supreme Court justices including the first ever Latina one. And far far from least is the repeal of the military's DADT policy.

Yes there is much left to do, still ....

Merry Christmas Mr. President, enjoy Hawaii.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 29

Something I hope to change about myself. And why ....

Can I use location on this one? Why? Because Paris seems to be calling me. Damnit I’ll just think of something else. I knew that was too easy an answer.

I don't think it's ever going to be possible but if I could change anything I would tame that slight flaw in my personality that makes me so damn emo sometimes. A friend recently said I have a 'dark, lonerish, superior, arrogant bitch' attitude and I like that. It's a cover I have worked long and hard at over the years and I believe I may have finally perfected it. But still it seems to fail me at times.

The problem is the fact that under that veneer is a soul that can suddenly be torn with emotion. I'll usually mange to keep it safely hidden away and under control only to have it explode out of nowhere. There are times I don’t even know why it happens but still it does. It can last hours or it can last days than it will suddenly fade away as fast as it appeared. My mom once called it 'the mood' and it's a name that has stuck ever since.

Granted I love to paint when I'm in one of those moods. It's as if I can see the colors swirling around my head and can smell even feel the paint as I put on canvas. At moments like that every creative nerve in my body seems so alive I honestly think I could paint what I see with a blindfold on. It has to be the closest thing to an artistic orgasm as I have ever found.

Maybe I won't change that flaw after all. I mean seriously, who am I to turn down an orgasm?

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 28

What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant,
what would you do ....

This probably the only one of the thirty that actually made me laugh. I'm sure it isn't supposed to do that but for my own not so personal reasons it did. Still I suppose I have to answer.

Short answer. Not going to happen.

Longer answer. Short of rape one is about as likely to happen as the other. All I can say is that if either one were to happen I would have to seriously reconsider my ideas on religion.

Me with a child, what a novel idea. Now that would have been one hell of a truth ....

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 27

The best thing I have going for me now ....

I thought I was going to have to think hard on this one but it was actually an easy one. The thing I have going for me now is probably the thing I have always had going for me. I might be the luckiest woman, no, the luckiest person alive. I already know what you are thinking, at best luck is just a word to explain some random happening or at worst just a superstition. But if I am going to believe in karma and fate why shouldn't I believe in luck too?

Hell I had to be lucky just to survive days 3, 8, 20, and 26 in this blogject. But it's way more than just that. I know I have had some low spots in my life but I seem to have this resiliency that let me bounce back every time and I know exactly where that resiliency comes from.

Other than two glaring instances I have always been lucky enough to be surrounded by some amazing and supportive people. They have helped me to always make the right choices, again other than a couple times when I failed miserably. I was born with such supportive parents who were always there when I needed them to be. Profs at Penn State, friends from there, and friends from the Village were and are just as supportive in their own ways. In second life I have met some truly unique and amazing people and found a muse and inspiration.

All these people have one thing in common. They seem to see something in me that I don't see in myself and try and pull it out of me whether I like it or not. Sometimes it goes well and sometimes it doesn't but I have yet to find somebody I truly call a friend that has given up on me. Maybe it is something else entirely but I like to think of it as luck and I think I am very lucky to know any of them.

So yes I'm going with luck, until somebody proves me wrong.

Observations on Art 12.19

One of the things that I think separates the arts from some other fields, such as science and law, is how emotionally based it can be. So much art is created because of emotions, real or maybe imagined but still emotions. Take the emotion out of painting, acting, and even photography and most of the great performances or works of history wouldn't exist. Sometimes we create to teach, sometimes to purely shock, and sometimes just to vent those emotions.

I think this has totally been true all through time. Before the Renaissance most, if not all, western art was commissioned by the church and it mostly shows religious scenes. With the Renaissance came the first depictions of non-religious or even anti-religious things, the first time art had drifted away from the church in almost 500 years. And so shock and awe in the art world was born.

Jacques-Louis David's "The Death of Marat", Goya's "Executions of the Third of May, 1808", and Picasso's "Guernica" all tried to shock the public into an awareness of events of the times. And today we have the storm over the removal of David Wojnarowicz's film "A Fire in My Belly" from the Smithsonian's 'Hide/Seek' exhibit. The film was created after Wojnarowicz's lover died of AIDS and he himself was diagnosed with the disease. His response was anger and he used the anger to create the film.

This has been a way too long way for my art history brain to get to the point. Even though I hide it well I know my brain is fueled by emotion. I tend to act on them before the much smaller thinking part of my brain has a chance to override those emotions. I see something in my mind and create what I see before stopping to think how I might be making another person feel in the process. Not that I care how most people feel about what I do but there are a few people out there in the world that I do care about. Recently I did just that, and hurt the feelings of somebody I do care about.

And I am so sorry.

I really need to think sometimes but it so does my head hurt ....

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 26

Have you ever thought about giving up on life?
If so, when and why ....

Well this is an easy, short, and simple one. The answer is yes.

For the second part of it, if you don't know by now just read back and you should be able to figure it out.

HIM - Join Me

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 25

The reason you believe you’re still alive today ....

I have thought about this a few times over the last seven years. When I finally reached the bottom of the dark hole I had dug for myself I was so far over the edge that I didn’t think there was a way for me to climb back out. So sometimes I honestly do think about this.

The problem is I don't know if I have ever come up with an answer to the question. Or maybe there is an answer and I just have never found it. But I don’t think anybody who is honest with themselves can answer this. How could you ever know? Maybe I’m just taking the meaning of this far too literally because I have been so far down. I sometimes have thought that I have no right to be alive, that I burned all the chips I started with when I was born. It's just one of those dark thoughts I tend to have that I have learned to live with.

In a more real sense I am alive because of my family. My dad stuck by me through the worst of times and that thought keeps me going when I'm down now. I'll always be grateful to him for that fact because I know people who can’t say the same about their families. Sometimes it drives me because I have this need to prove to myself or to him that I was worth it. Than I have my brother and sis who for some odd unfathomable reason always seem to look up to me for the answer. I never quite understand this because I always seem to have few answers and only more questions. But than maybe that is what they are looking for.

I guess you like to think that when you are born you have a chance to accomplish anything you want in life. Sometimes it works out that way and sometimes, probably most times, it doesn't. So you do the best you can and hope that somewhere somebody is proud of you.

Free Hugs Campaign - music by Sick Puppies

Observations from the Window 12.15

I’m just taking a little break from the ‘truths’ here because I’m struggling a bit over these next two. Life, death, and taxes just scare the hell out of me. On top of that I have my horoscope telling me turmoil will swirl around me for the rest of the month. Not that I believe in horoscopes, their just karma’s bad relation, but it seems to be the way it always goes for me this time of year.

The world that is mine just seems a bit turned upside down at the moment. I never got back to my sister’s big Thanksgiving news for the family. She wants to, is going to, join the Navy. Go to photography school there than go to art school when she gets out. While I now think she is as totally insane as her older sister I am still proud of her for thinking it all through on her own. I’ll leave it at that before I end up getting myself in trouble.

Than you have the non artsie member of the triumvirate. My brother graduates from Penn State this weekend ending a long run for us in the mountains. But the little shit has decided he doesn’t want to go to the graduation ceremonies in person. I say little shit in the best possible way because he is six inches taller than me, though I still think I could take him though. I just think he should go to graduation like I did and just sneak a bottle of champagne in under his gown. It isn’t as if the TSA is going to pat him down on the way to the stage.

On top of all this is the normal end of the year Christmas emo mood that I fall into. As always I feel it tug at me, start to pull me down, as Christmas gets nearer and nearer. But I’m going to fight it this year no matter how much alcohol it takes. After all I have a turkey to make and I found a totally kewl recipe for jalapeno cranberry relish that should put some unexpected bite into Christmas dinner. I guess I really should start shopping though, the clock is suddenly ticking faster.

It’s enough to make this tall bish throw up her hands and scream.

But not yet anyway. Not yet ….

Robert Earl Keene - Merry Christmas From The Family

Not that I am going to start posting xMas tunes but that is effing classic. I remember the first time Sean and I saw it, we just had to watch it over and over.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 24

Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose to use
all the songs ....

Again this is supposed to be in letter form but decided not to do anything like that and I'm not going to explain the choices or say who the playlist is for. I know, I'm just no fun at all anymore. This is a condensed version of a playlist I already have on iTunes. It isn't so much that each song means something to me but the playlist as a whole does. All these tunes remind me of somebody and I'll leave it for that person to figure out.

Hey Pretty - Poe
The Scientist - Coldplay
Better - Regina Spektor
Sidedish Friend - Rachael Yamagata
Sex On Fire - Kings Of Leon
Bed of Black Roses - I Hate Kate
Crazy - Gnarls Barkley
Edge of the Ocean - Ivy
Lonely Day - System of Down
Leave Me Alone (I'm Lonely) - Pink
Read My Mind - The Killers
Hurt - Johnny Cash
When The Stars Go Blue - The Corrs ft. Bono
Nightswimming - REM
Sick Muse - Metric
Rebel Girl - Bikini Kill
Enjoy The Silence - Lacuna Coil
Skinny Little Bitch - Hole
Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton
The Story - Brandi Carlile

It's just a little journey through time, enjoy ....

the Playlist

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 23

Something I wish you I done in my life ....

It seems I got past that drug and alcohol post only to trip up on these two could have would have posts. I have to come up with something here because I used up my list option on the last one. Something I wish I had done seems so much harder than the something I want to do question.

My answer is something that came to mind watching my sister in the field hockey playoffs. Sometimes I do wish I had been just a little bit less arrogant in high school. I don't look back on those years as anything really positive and I don't talk to anybody from than other than my hockey coach and that is more because of my sister than anything else.

Maybe times changed some in the ten years between us but my sis just seems to handle it all so much better. I was just so cocky and arrogant and wasn't going to let anybody see any little crack in my armor. I was that dark gloomy (omg!) lesbian on the hockey team and I thrived on it. Looking back I could have handled it so much better but I really did enjoy living on that edge. It was who I was and I guess who I still am so really this is all worthless dribble because I probably would do it the same all over again.

I just think that if I hadn't left high school with the uber chip on my shoulder I might have handled my mom's cancer better and a lot of things might have been different. Than again I wouldn't so much to write about would I?

It is what it is ....

(Only seven more! I can so do this by Christmas.)

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 22

Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life ....

Christ does it have to be something I haven't already mentioned? I'm not sure thinking about what you wish you hadn't done in your life is the best use of time but I'll give it a shot anyway. Can I make a list?

I wish that I hadn't sat on Santa's lap when I was three and, well, OK I puked on Santa. I have yet to live that one down and for some reason it seems to come up every year at this time. Rumor has it that there are pics floating around too. Now there might be a few things I have done in my life that I don't want to become public knowledge but those pics I would kill for.

In something totally second life related I wish that when I first started I had known it was quite possible to have two hairs on at the same time. Actually I wish somebody had told me I had two hairs on at the same time instead of probably laughing their asses off. Believe me I remember and I took names. It may take years but I'll get even at some point so be careful opening that Christmas card this year.

I wish that I hadn't slid my car into a ditch that night. More than that I wish I hadn't given the police officer that found me a rude gesture. I'm not going to say what the gesture was but if you look around this page you might just find it. Needless to say he wasn't that thrilled about it and not surprisingly neither was my dad when I called him from the local lock up.

And finally I wish I hadn't punched that guy in the bar the night he called me a dyke. How did I know I was going to lay him out with one punch? Worse than that was the fact I had to call Ash to bail me out of jail. This is yet another thing I am never going to live down because she never lets me forget that she was the one who had to bail me out. To this day I feel so bad thinking about the embarrassment he must of felt being knocked down in public by of all things a tall skinny dyke.

So there you have my wish I hadn't done list.

Alright so I lied about the last one. Actually it was one of the proudest moments of my life. I mean seriously my dykes can call me a dyke, my friends can call me a dyke, but no asshole in a bar is going to call me a dyke and get away with it. Jail time is but a small price to pay.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 21

Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do ....

This is one of those things that are just about impossible to answer. I mean seriously you can say how you think you will react, how you hope you would react, but really you have no way of knowing how you will react until it happens. There are just too many damn variables that come into play and this doesn't tell you a damn thing.

Worst case scenario is it was a stupid fight, she lost control of her car in a one car accident, and it was fatal. I know I can be awfully grim when I want to be. I see a lot of tequila and tears in this scenario but I only mention it to prove my point. I've tried to be honest in all these 'truths' but in this one you just have no way of knowing until it happens and hopefully I never have to find out. And that is my honest answer.

Next

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 20

My views on drugs and alcohol ....

The one I have dreaded since the beginning, really before I even started. It would be so easy just to say screw it and not answer this one. I don't even know where to begin with this.

I can start with my own litany of drugs. I have used alcohol and smoked since high school, had and addiction to cocaine, spent time in rehab, and had a few legal problems. I said had an addiction to cocaine even though I know that once you are an addict you always are one. I should add that I would die without caffeine and I have been known to smoke a certain herb that looks surprisingly like oregano. I seem to have a love hate relationship with drugs. I know I drink too much but I like to drink and I also know I shouldn't smoke but I have to admit it's my crutch. I have tried to quit a few times in the last ten years and it just doesn't happen owing to the fact that deep down I need to smoke, I need the crutch.

My views? I'm not so sure that I have any views on the subject that matter. I am far from the one to damn anybody for using any hard drugs because I've been too far down that road myself. But for now I don't let myself be around people that do use because I just won’t let myself be tempted again. Not that I haven't been offered some, I have, but not by friends or even acquaintances and so far I have reacted more with revulsion than with temptation. I lost two months of my life because of cocaine and rehab. Two months I barely remember and never am going to get back to that. I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Yet I could give you a list of reasons I used coke, excuses actually. Excuses I would tell myself over and over again every day. People just didn't understand me, they don't have my problems, or my loss. I'm just using it to calm my head until I don't need it anymore and than I'll quit. I can still function, drive, and nobody seems to even notice. In my deepest darkest days I figured I was going to die anyway so why did it matter at all. And I believed every one of my excuses until it was too late.

And finally there is the artistic angle. This tends to cause more debate than any of the so called excuses do. When I paint I drink it's that simple, it's how I paint, sometimes I don't eat just drink and smoke and paint. When I was in rehab I had a therapist who tried telling me over and over that I only thought I needed alcohol to paint. He said that if I stopped drinking I would find that I was just as creative or even more so. Not long out of rehab I had my own final therapy in painting what I consider one of my best works. In the process I drank two bottles of tequila. The other side of all this is the fact that when I was using cocaine I didn't create anything. Not a painting, not a sketch, not even a single photo I know of. The artsie part of my brain just shut down so completely that I thought it was gone.

So there are my thoughts on drugs and alcohol if not my views. I’ll add a quote because I love quotes, it’s one of my favs, and it fits ....

"I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me."
Hunter S. Thompson

Except when they don't ....

30 Seconds To Mars - Attack

Observations from the Window 12.6

I seem to have a new addiction. Writing ....

I have the day off so I spent the whole morning in bed cuddling my blankets and drinking coffee. I mean seriously it's cold outside. I finally managed to pull on big baggy sweater and drag myself to the window only to find, well, it looks cold outside. I haven't mentioned my vendor in sometime but I am looking down now and dude has snow shovels. I didn't need to see that.

So why did I say I'm addicted to writing? Because I should be food shopping or Christmas shopping but I'm sitting in the window writing instead. Christmas shopping I can do without because Christmas is a downer for me anyway but I need food. Right now the entire contents of our fridge consists a twelve pack of Corona, assorted cheeses, milk, eggs, hummus, and a few bottles of wine. Might be some butter in there too but I'm not quite sure. I don't see Whole Foods coming to me so I'm going to have to go to it but it's cold outside and now there are snow flurries to go with it.

I'm drinking like my sixth cup of coffee, watching the Prop 8 hearings, and writing. Writing this and that damn drugs and alcohol post that is next. The Prop 8 hearings make no sense to me at all. I think it's all finally beyond my limited ability to understand the law. But omg this lawyer arguing the pro Prop 8 case actually just said this. The current definition of marriage is same as it has been since beginning of time, around the world, to make babies. He said that same sex couples cannot procreate without a third party and that’s the rational basis for denying them the right to marry. Otherwise we are left with marriage as just an empty word meaning nothing. God what a fucking idiot. I have to turn it off before I totally lose it and smash my TV.

The whole point I was going to get at was that not only do I like writing but suddenly I felt the need to write. I suppose it's better than needing a cigarette. Besides it's too cold to smoke outside.

No vid but to get the full effect hum Dean Martin's "Baby It's Cold Outside" to yourself.

Thirty Days of Truths, The Pause

Why the pause? Well I could go with my brain is tired but that isn't really the case. I looked to see what was next and found I had finally run into the wall I had been dreading. The next 'truth' is my thoughts on drugs and alcohol and honestly it doesn't look like it gets any easier after that.

I was thinking about the whole thing yesterday and realized something. The more 'truths' I go through the more they seem to weave together in my head. Maybe it's just me or maybe that is how it's supposed to be, either way it's kind of intriguing to me. One day leads into another and I find myself thinking about a question with everything that came before still in my head. It's just different than how I normally write or think. Usually I concentrate my few living brain cells on one subject than write or rant and move on to the next thing. But these questions all seem to linger in my head.

I only started this because it looked like a fun idea and I didn't plan on getting as into it as I have. But all in all it has been fun so far. I have thought about a few things I never normally would have thought about. The fatalist thing is really something I have never put into words before, it's not something I ever felt the need to talk about. Than that wound right into another subject I shy away from, religion.

So I started out taking a break but instead I'm rambling here. Now that is totally how I usually think and write.

Bad Religion - American Jesus

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 19

My thoughts on religion ....

Oh religion, something I don't think I have ever mentioned before. If there is a topic one shouldn't write about its religion because you are sure to offend somebody along the way. So I'm going to say ahead of time I don't mean to offend anybody. These are just my personal thoughts and also it isn't something I think about much so it’s really just off the top of my head.

At one time I did attend a church every Sunday morning, did Sunday school in my little print dress, but I was but a wee thing back than. My mom wanted a well rounded girl but gave it up about the time I insisted on wearing jeans to church. That would have been about the same time my rebelliousness set in, along with the first inklings of my sexuality, and I realized I just didn't belong there.

I have never called myself an atheist or an agnostic, really I never call myself anything. Is there a God? If I have to answer that my answer is no. Is there some power in control of the universe? It gets a little tricky here because I do believe in fate, I think many things happen for a reason and at times you don't have much control over it. What happens when I die? Honest answer is I'm thinking worm food but than I also believe in ghosts so I'm not so sure. To be safe I want to buried in a wooden box because I don't want to spend eternity trapped in some overpriced metal box with no tunes and poor ventilation.

When you talk about organized religion I get a little bit harsher. On the positive side some of the greatest works of art and architecture have been created in the name of one religion or another. But on the negative side more people have died in the name of one god or another than for any other reason. Christians killing Muslims killing Jews in Crusades or Jihads or Inquisitions all through history and all in the name of the 'same' god. Sunnis killing Shias killing Jews killing Catholics killing Lutherans and on and on. The Middle East has been a religious killing ground since time began and probably will remain that until time ends. No religion can even begin to claim it doesn't have a bloody past.

Marx called religion the opiate of the people and to a certain degree he was right. What most people don't realize is what he meant by it by that. I had a professor who explained that Marx wasn't thinking of it as the church clouding peoples minds but more as the church comforting people in their times of need. The church itself is a quandary to me, it can do so much good at the local level and yet be so terrible at a higher level. Just politics with a different name I suppose.

Perhaps Gandhi said it better. "God has no religion."

Observations from the Coffee Shop 12.4

I really want to write something about the DADT hearings and my 'tard in chief' Senator John McCain. But it seems the writing part of my brain is overloaded and burning out on the "Thirty Days of Truths" posts so I'll have to pass for now. I totally think I have a good rant in my head waiting to get out but it just isn't happening right now.

I saw this on "Daily Show" yesterday and really no rant of mine is even going to compare to this. It's just classic, enjoy.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Gaypocalypse Now
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor The Daily Show on Facebook

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 18

My views on gay marriage ....

So I'm thinking whoever originally came up with the '30 Truths' wasn't gay and thought this would be much more telling and maybe controversial on top of it. Alas you probably know or suspect my views on gay marriage already but I'll try and voice them a little less emotionally than I have before.

To me it's a simple question of equality. Yes I am a lesbian and I am proud of that fact. At the same time I am a human being and supposedly all of us are created equal. Yet it always seems that some people are more equal than others. I never seriously think about getting married myself but for somebody to tell me it doesn't matter what I think, that I don't have that option, that I don't have that right, well it just totally pisses me off.

What I have never understood is why it even matters to these people. What world shattering threat does it pose if two people of the same sex love each other and want to get married? Does it really have any effect on their life at all? I mean seriously how does it effect them? Why do they care? I'd love for somebody to answer those questions for me.

One of the main reasons for denying marriage to gay couples seems to be that all major religions consider homosexuality a sin. But we aren't talking about religious marriage here. If a church doesn't want to marry gay couples so be it, their loss. I can only begin to imagine the floral displays they are missing out on. Anyway the First Amendment of the Constitution says that a person's religious views or lack thereof must be protected. Marriage by the state is a secular activity and the government can't start making laws just because a religion says they should. What would be next?

So that is my calm, rational, and legalistic answer. If that was too boring you can check out the more emotional ones I have written before (l).

I know it's a cliché but honestly if you don't like gay marriage just don't fucking have one.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 17

A book you’ve read that changed your views on something ....

I came up with a lot of options for this one. I love to read and there was a time when I would be reading three or four books at the same time and finish them all in a week. I normally have two books going now, usually a fiction and a non fiction, but I don't read them nearly as fast.

So finally it came down to two books. Both more solidified my views on a subject rather than changed them but I guess that is close enough. The first is "An Inconvenient Truth" by Al Gore. I didn't go with this because I didn't read it that long ago and I'm not sure which had more effect on me at the time, the book or that environmental science major brother of mine.

The second book is one I first read in high school and a few times since. I always seem to come away with a different opinion of it. That book is "One Hundred Years of Solitude" by Gabriel García Márquez. You may hear me talk about karma or use the phrase 'it is what it is' all the time and it's because at times I am at heart a fatalist, I honestly believe in the inevitable and inescapable repetition of history. I guess I have just studied too much history to think about life any other way.

Fatalism is a thread that runs constantly through this book as generation after generation of the Buendía family are visited by ghosts of past generations even as they repeat the mistakes of those same generations. The patriarch of the family founds the city of Macondo as a city of mirrors after seeing it in a vision. I’m never sure if it is actually a city of mirrors or just a metaphor for a city of mirages. Mirrors, mirages, visions, or maybe a way of saying life is never truly what it seems. Fittingly Macondo is destroyed by a hurricane at the end of the book.

Karma, fate, or whatever you want to call it sometimes it seems that some events are preordained and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it. I know that it isn't a theory that appeals to many people but it's something I sometimes do believe myself. I love the book but I don't think I'll ever completely understand it.

Now I bet you can't wait to read my thoughts on religion.

Shikata ga nai

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 16

Someone or something you definitely could live without ....

Why do I find this one so hard? To start I don't want to end up writing about the same person yet again. I have already thought about her way to much since I started this and besides I do live without her. Maybe it's the memory I could do without. As I said before if I could live without somebody I more than likely am living without that person. Seriously it’s just how I am.

So that leaves something I could live without. I could easily live without the Republican Party but I don't see that happening anytime soon. I’m not going to get into that now because it deserves a post all its own and I think it’s going to get one soon.

So now I can't think of a thing I could live without either so I'm going to wing it again and go with a personality trait I could very easily live without.

I'm cocky, arrogant, and a top notch smart ass and I love every minute of it. But the dark side of that is sometimes I don't know when to stop and I end up going too far. If I'm in one of my moods I can get downright nasty. I can't say I ever set out to be mean but it happens and part of it comes from the fact that I can be jealous too. So arrogance seems to have a nasty dark side and I could easily live without that.

Now if I have to give up the arrogance to get rid of the dark side you’re just out of luck.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 15

Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it ....

Coffin nails, cancer sticks, smokes, ciggies, butts, take your pick because they all mean the same thing no matter how you say it. Cigarettes. I started smoking cigarettes in high school and have been smoking them off and on ever since. I've tried to stop more than once but with no real success because I think my addictive personality needs something and it has tried much worse. Worse for me over the short term anyway. I know what smoking does to me or is doing to me but I just can't stop for any length of time.

The funny thing about my smoking is I can't stand second hand smoke myself and I wouldn't smoke inside if I could. It makes my eyes water and gives me a headache. No matter what the weather I won't smoke in my 'Foxy' with the windows up because I don't want to ruin the leather but have no qualms about ruining my lungs. In high school I smoked even though I was constantly working out because of field hockey.

I know it is a crutch and I make no excuses for it. I totally understand people who can't stand smoking but I hate when smokers are blamed for all that is wrong with the health care system, poor air quality, and life in general. The recent FDA ruling on cigarette packs seems pathetic to me because I don't think you can scare smokers with graphic photos, I think anybody that smokes knows it's not healthy.

I think it's far from cool to smoke but given the right situation it looks cool in a photo. As long as I'm in the Village I doubt I'll ever quit because it's just what we do. It's just so damn cool.

Another enigma.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 14

A hero that has let you down ....

I don't know that I ever had any heroes per se, I'm not sure my personality allows it. There are painters and writers whose work I love but most of them are long gone. There are photographers whose work I adore but I wouldn't call them heroes. Besides it seems that with any artist a let down is called for, it's just how we are.

I do have answer though and sadly it was much too easy to come up with. During the 2008 presidential election campaign of Barrack Obama so much was said about real change and hope for the future that you couldn't help but believe. But it didn't take long for the euphoria to wear off and the political realities to set in.

President Obama has accomplished much more than he gets credit for but so much more could have been done. Instead too much of his time and energy was wasted trying to be the great compromiser. It doesn’t quite sink into him that those who elected him didn't do so to compromise anything but to bring real change. Instead where are we now? We find compromise defined as do it my way or don’t do anything at all. It doesn’t matter what a majority of the people want or care about it only matters who wins the next election. And than the cycle will repeat itself ad infinitum until the only change comes through complete collapse of the system.

My brother had loaned me his copy of Richard Wolffe's "Renegade" which is about Obama's election campaign of 2008. It's totally a good read but I got part way through it and had to stop. The memory of the campaign compared to the reality of now was just to agonizing to deal with.

And now there is the thought of a President Palin to deal with.

Reality sucks.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 13

A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days ....

This is supposed to be a letter but I decided at the start I'm not doing any of them that way. I mean seriously why write a letter that is never going to be sent? But this does give me an opportunity to write about something I always wanted to but never got around to. That's part of the reason I started this truth thing in the first place. Make myself think and write about things I never got around to and cram it all in as the first year of my blogging winds down. OK that and make me not think and write about other things.

It isn't so much a band or artist that has gotten me through hard times, it's just a song. It's a song I have gone back to over and over again when I'm down. At the same time it's possibly the saddest song I have ever heard so the fact that I love it when I'm down makes no sense at all. At times it makes me cry and at others it makes me smile but either way it always seems to help. There isn't any one thing about it that makes it so sad. Not the lyrics, the singer’s voice, or the haunting piano playing under the singing. But the combination of the three owns my soul completely now.

I can't remember when I first heard it or saw the video but I do remember listening over and over to it when I did. The beautiful b&w video was shot in Barcelona and it seems almost as if she is singing from the grave but I was never quite sure. Is it about loneliness, lost love, or death? Five different versions of the song have been recorded and all have slightly different lyrics. It was written by the band's guitarist who appeared in the video than quit the band before the CDs release.

I have friends who just leave me alone when they hear it, knowing damn well what it means. I love this song but I hate it at the same time.

Amy Lee, Evanescence, and "My Immortal" ....

Evanescence - My Immortal

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 12

Something you never get compliments on ....

I was almost ready to blow this on off because I figured how would I know what it was because I wasn't complimented on it. Than I wanted to say it was my ass because I thought this might be the only chance I get to write about my ass but I thought better of that. I would have had to use the word ass too often and that might seem rude.

Well if I am going to be honest here I have to say my eyes. I love my eyes but they rarely get any attention at all. They are so dark brown that at times they appear black and I think most people just believe I am wearing contacts. Add some makeup and they were always oh so perfect for Goth Friday.

I would rather have written about my ass.

Observations from the Road 11.27

So yesterday was Black Friday, either the busiest shopping day of the year or a Friday to wear black. I used to enjoy Goth Friday myself but this shopping you can have. I stayed in and reacquired a forgotten vice in the 'Food Network' and its "Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives" marathon. Even with it being the day after Thanksgiving I don't think I was ever so hungry in my life.

I had a nice calm week here at my dad's and was in no mood to drive back yesterday as planed so for now in Pennsylvania I remain. I didn't burn the turkey, I did act fairly adult like, I finished some work I had been putting off, hung out with a cousin I haven’t seen in a awhile, and yet managed to consume a decent amount of wine and beer. All that I got to watch enough Flyers games to get me through until Christmas. The one problem is it's seriously getting to that ‘it's to damn cold to smoke outside’ time of year. Never the less I had a pretty damn good week of vegging that sadly must come to an end soon.

My sister had some rather stunning news for the family that I might pass on later and my brother should graduate next month so for a change I melted into the background and just absorbed it all. I absorbed that along with a few bottles of wine. In hind sight I should have known not going Goth was a mistake but than I don't normally like being the center of attention do I?

Black Friday is also the beginning of the run into Christmas and New Years so it has another meaning to me too. It was always my mom's fav time of year and I seem to miss her more at this time than at any other, even more than her birthday. It wouldn't be fair to her to say I don't like the holiday season but I do get dark and moody the closer it gets. I need to stock up on my holiday spirits.

So be forewarned, the ride gets bumpy from here.

My Chemical Romance - Sing

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 11

Something people seem to compliment you the most on ....

This much I know, it's not my warm personality or my fine use of the English language that gets the compliments. At least not those certain words I like to use regularly. I find this sad because I'm proud to be a smart ass and I work hard at it.

Physically I would have to say I'm most complimented on my hair which totally baffles me because I have a love hate relationship with it. I have never in my life had short hair but I always have had days where I just want it was all gone. Depending on my mood I either let it go wild or I spend an hour straightening it only to have it explode a few hours later. If I'm in a hurry in the morning, which I usually seem to be, I just pull it all back and let it hang there giving me that tall dark scary dyke look. But yes people seem to love my hair.

But of anything I get complemented the most on my art. Sometimes I have a hard time with that because it is something I don't like to talk about much. That sounds totally weird for an artist but than I am a totally weird artist so it works.

My art is as much an enigma as I am. My photography is mostly b&w because I love working with the shading and contrast. To me it's just so much more fun than working with color. But when I paint I love to mix my own, as if the thirty shades of blue I can buy aren't enough. I hate abstract photography but I paint in abstract. This summer I saw and fell in love with something I had rarely, if ever, seen before. Stark b&w abstract paintings. So you see even the artsie part of my brain is a bit rebellious.

It is what it is.

Observations from the Kitchen 11.25

The turkey is in the oven as, for the third year in a row, I attempt not to burn the Thanksgiving bird. Sean is shuffling around nursing a hangover after reconnecting with the local bar last night and, in a new holiday tradition, I'm sitting at the kitchen table staring at a soon to be opened bottle of wine. I had to buy my own this year as my dad learned his lesson and didn't buy his Christmas case early this year. Either that or he found a much better hiding spot than the last one.

I promise to act relatively adult like this year or as adult like as I possibly can. I'll try and stay sober until after dinner and no goth makeup to freak the relatives. I always enjoyed that though so maybe just a little around the eyes but the lipstick always makes the turkey taste like dried out crayons. I don't want to freak out the relatives? If that isn't a sign I'm finally maturing nothing is.

So this is where I'm supposed to write some kind of 'what I'm thankful for' post. I could go with the traditional family, friends, and staying out of rehab but I'm not going to. But I want to mention one thing I am thankful for. I may get irritated at him at times because there is so much that needs to be done. But I am thankful Barrack Obama is my President because the alternative is just to damn depressing to think about.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody. 'Thirty Days of Truths' returns tomorrow at its regularly scheduled time.

And now the wine ....

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 10

Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know ....

OMG why would anybody in their right mind answer something like this? Besides anybody that knows anything about me knows I don't have to answer this one because if I need to let you go I already did. Chances are I let you go before I needed to and didn't look back. Just another burnt bridge in my collection.

So I'll take the space to explain my mulligan comment in the last post. I remembered later that a mulligan is a 'do-over' in a friendly round of golf. Now I only need my two hands to count the number of times I have played real golf so I forgot it meant that. I was thinking of a soda drinking game we played in college when using a mulligan meant you could skip your turn.

And while I'm at it a bit of Katie trivia for you. I use the term 'burning bridges' all the time so where did it come from in the first place? Actually it was my dad that used it first in the context I always use it in. My dad is a big Clint Eastwood fan and the theme song of his fav movie "Kelly's Heroes" is called "Burning Bridges." I was talking to my mom about my social skills, or lack of, when my dad blurted out 'like so many burning bridges behind you' and I have used the term ever since. It just seems to fit.

".... All the burning bridges that have fallen after me
All the lonely feelings and the burning memories
Everyone I left behind each time I closed the door
Burning bridges lost forevermore ...."

The Mike Curb Congregation - Burning Bridges

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 9

Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted ....

I really struggled with this one and I was hoping there was some mention of mulligans in the rules but I don’t see any. I ran this through my brain a couple different ways last night but never got anywhere with it. I know what it means by letting someone drift away. Friends or acquaintances that you share your life with that just slip away for no apparent reason and no matter how hard you try and stop it.

One would tend to think of high school friends first but I didn't have any close friends in high school other than on the hockey team. That was more sports related than anything else so what we shared ended with the final season. I probably could have been voted most likely to be dead or in jail before the first reunion so the only people that wanted to be my friend I didn’t want to be friends with.

College was different in many ways. I had friends and some close ones but I can’t think of any that drifted away. I tended to be hard on friends back than so I always saw the burnout coming and pretty much walked away. But my two closest friends in college are still two of my closest friends today. I lived with one when I worked at Penn State and I live with the other here in the Village.

The closest I can come to this is a girl I met a couple years ago while I was still at Penn State. It sounds funny but it really was one of those another time another place things and we both realized that. She flew off to the other coast just before I moved to the Village so we didn’t so much drift apart as fly. I talk to her a couple times a week so I suppose we are still as close as two girls on opposite coasts can be.

Now I wrote all that and I never did totally answer the question. I'm probably starting to over think these 'truths' but that may be why I originally stated this project. To see if it made me think, really to see what it made me think.

Observations from the Road 11.22

I stumbled onto this video while cruising through tumblr sites. I honestly had to watch it a few times before I finally decided it was real and not some kind of SNL like spoof. I also watched some of the other videos from the channel, vids with titles like 'I'm Happy When Queers Die', 'Homosexuals are a Disease Carrying Nasty Threat', and 'Gay Suicides Happen Because They're Gay.'

I could go on an unbelievable rant here but I’m not going to bother because these people don't make me mad so much as sick to my stomach. It’s just hard for me to believe that there are people in this world that actually think like this. Hell I’m lying because I always knew there were but to see that video on a supposed Christian channel just makes me glad I don’t attach that word to my name. Now the Republicans and there like piss me off but they are in it for a time honored political fact, money. These people just hate. But than that is just another time honored tradition, hate in the name of whatever god you believe in.

It’s people like this that make me proud I don’t have a religious bone in my body.

Besides that the video editing just sucks.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 8

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit ....

Well bloody hell there is no way I can get around this one. I have to be honest, one of the stories of my life seems to be that if somebody makes my life hell they don’t get to do it for long. For better or worse I have a long trail of burnt bridges in my past.

But than there is one person who I can never seem to completely erase from my mind. Maybe that bridge burned so hot it left scare tissue. When I think of her, and believe me I try not to, my emotions can run from one end of the spectrum to the other. If you have been reading you might be guessing this is the girl I should forgive and probably never will.

After dropping so many hints I suppose I should fill in some of the blanks. I met her my senior year at PSU, during the darkest period in my life. We were from the same area so after graduation we began a kind relationship that lasted off and on for years. When we met she had told me she was bi than, after three years, she met a guy and decided that she was no longer bi but straight and proceeded to tell her friends that she had no clue why she had wasted her time with me.

It finally all ended in the big mall scene where she said something that I honestly can't remember but I know included the word dyke. I totally freaked and ended up being banned from said mall for a year. Maybe not one of my prouder moments but one I just have to laugh about when I think about it. As somebody once said it was one of my better badass moments.

She emailed me not long after I moved to New York and seemed to want to talk but I wanted none of it. Not only had I burnt that bridge but I was bitter and was for a long time, I probably still am. Breaking up I could understand but I could never get passed the fact that she totally turned on me.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 7

Someone who has made my life worth living ....

And how the hell do I pick here? To start I'll take my family out of the running. Not that they don't belong but because it is the obvious choice and I would find myself writing about them again, probably starting to piss them off in the process. I don't want to be the topic of conversation at Thanksgiving dinner once again this year.

So where does that leave me? I’m not even sure how to take this one in that could it be someone I have never met but admire? Could be someone long gone such as van Gogh whose work I love and sometimes obsess over? There have been professors who have had a major impact on me and the head of the Art History School at Penn State who always seemed to see something in me that I never did. A couple of old friends who have been through so much with me and have pulled me along, sometimes kicking and screaming, and a newer friend who has become my inspiration and possibly my biggest fan. I just can't pick among them.

So it comes back to the obvious answer. The one person that made my life worth living was my mom and she always will be. Rather than write the same thing all over again I'll quote what I wrote on Mothers Day (l) ....

" .... I owe my mom so much. She was the first one to see something special behind my dark eyes. She would drag me around Philadelphia museums when I was barely old enough to walk. She was the first one to stick my fingers in paint, which was something that ended in quite a mess if I remember it correctly. And the first one to take me to wander the streets of New York and to visit MOMA (Museum of Modern Art) which was one of her favorite places in the world. She always praised my art but was also never afraid to criticize it ...."

A day doesn't go by without me thinking about her and sometimes it seems as if I miss her more now than I ever have.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 6

Something you hope you never have to do ....

You have to be kidding me. I actually thought hard about this one and in the end I had two answers. When I thought a little more I decided that one answer was more about death than about life and the question seems to be more about life so I scratched that one. Yes I'm going to just let that hang there but it's something I think I'll come back to in a separate post.

The thing I hope never to have to do is something I have done before. I never in my life want to spend another night in rehab. Again it's one of those things that you can't totally understand unless you have been there. Yes I needed it and yes it did its job but the withdrawal, loneliness, and the overwhelming feeling of being trapped combined to create a month of hell.

I suppose my personality didn't help. At the center I was in the idea was for you to socialize for support. My problem was I was at my darkest, deepest, anti-social best at that time so I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with my iPod for support. No computer and the only TVs were in the big common rooms which I tended to stay away from. I may be better off because I was there but I'll do almost anything to never be there again.

Now I'm already beginning to see a thread run through this project. As I said earlier it is something that I’ll just never put completely behind me. I have visions of one day being in an old age home thinking omg I'm back, that is if I make it to old age.

Life goes on.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 5

Something I hope to do in my life ....

Damn, this is the first one that is making me think. I don't plan that far ahead and at the moment I am torn about what direction I want to take. Hell I could make a list but I really should pick one thing. Moving to Paris is the easy answer to this one but it's too easy, possible at some point, and I have written about it before. Something I hope should be something in the back of my head, something I have thought seriously about but yet something I never have really planned.

I might have mentioned this to some friends but not many. I have worked in a museum and in galleries and have enjoyed every minute of it. I don't want to own my own gallery; I guess I don’t want to deal with the business aspects of it. But I would love to be the head curator of an art museum, a major museum. Be in charge of the collection, plan shows, and travel the globe looking for works to add to the collection.

I did look into it at one time and found one problem. To be the curator of any large museum usually requires a graduate degree in museum studies. At the time I didn't even know museum studies existed as a degree program, only a handful of schools offer it, and Penn State isn't one of them. Harvard and NYU seem to have the best programs. Can you say lottery?

So maybe this just falls into the dream category and not the hope. Well I never said this was going to be easy. Hopefully there is no test at the end of day thirty.

Observations from the Window 11.19

Just a little post here to congratulate my sis one last time. Proud doesn’t begin to explain what I feel when I look back at the last month and her teams amazing run through the playoffs. But for lack of a better word I have to say I am so damn proud. Tenth seed in just their district they finished just two wins away from the state championship.

They lost 2-0, the first time they were shutout since September and only their second loss in 18 games. It would have been the schools first trip to the championship game in 28 years. When the tears are gone and the memory of the finality of the defeat wears off they can look back at what they did and realize one thing. They all are champions in so many ways and always will be.

And so it all came to an end Wednesday and I'm so sorry I couldn't be there but it just wasn’t meant to be. I saw as many games as I could and always drove away from them with a smile on my face. So maybe I wasn't meant to be there. I’ll just remember the games I did see and the conversation I had with her that night.

As for myself, I do know one thing too. I was never the captain and I was never a champion. Remind me to buy my sis a drink when she turns 21.

Now if I could get her to try on that Penn State jersey ....

Ryan Adams - So Alive

(I just realized this was my 200th post, who knew?)

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 4

Something you have to forgive someone for ....

The first really hard one to talk about. Actually it's easy to answer but it is very hard to talk about. Since I started this blog I have written about almost everything in my past but this one thing and I'm not going to get into it now. A friend of mine says it is the one demon I can't let go of and she is totally right.

It involves a long term relationship I was involved in a few years ago. More precisely it involves how it ended. Suffice to say it wasn't pretty, to be honest it was probably as ugly as a breakup can be. Lies, name calling, and other sordid nastiness coming from her. On the other hand I was well behaved. Well other than the shopping mall incident where I might have loudly shouted the f word and might have been escorted out by security.

If I had to forgive somebody for something she would probably be the one. But I have never been able bring myself to do it.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 3

Something I have to forgive myself for ....

What I did to myself now over seven years ago. More than that what I did to my family and friends in the process. I'm an addict, I'll always be and addict, and I have to live with that fact for the rest of my life. It's hard to explain to somebody that hasn't been through it but it's impossible to completely put behind you. It's a demon always lurking in the background, always waiting for a new chance. People will say I have put it behind me, that I have moved on, and I politely agree knowing full well I never totally will.

A semester's worth of tuition money, a month in rehab, and a summer of my life lost forever. Worse than that is the way I feel people look at me. No matter what they say I know it has to shade their opinion of me. It's pretty damn much to forgive and I'm not sure I ever will.

Yes I am an addict.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 2

Something you love about yourself ....

Well slightly more difficult than day 1 but I can handle this one too. The easy and quick answer is I really like being tall. I have been taller than average since high school and it brings a certain amount of self confidence with it. But that's too easy and honestly it isn't something I love as much as enjoy.

What I truly love is how I think, how my mind works and sees the world around me. I don't believe I see the world the same as most people do, I know I don't. It's almost as if I see it emotionally because sometimes I see color where there isn't any. When I paint I see every color and shade of the painting in my mind as if it was already finished. It might take days, a case of beer, and a carton of cigarettes to get it right but I'm not happy till it's just as I saw it.

Now the flip side of this is the wrong person might think it’s just the result of way too many dead brain cells coloring my brain. But no it's a gift. or a flaw, I seem to have been born with.

Than again it could be I'm just weird.

Thirty Days of Truths, Day 1

Something you hate about yourself ….

At first glance this one is so easy it almost makes me laugh and I can answer it in a few short sentences. I can become suddenly emo to an extreme. I might have a reason in my head but I don’t honestly need one. Sometimes darkness just swirls around in my head and it just happens.

See that was totally easy and made all the easier by the fact that I seem to be in one of the moods at the moment. The thing is now that I wrote it I have to sit back and think about what I wrote. And that is going to be the biggest problem doing this whole thing. I'm going to need another doctor until day 30.

Yes I can be emo, I can get into a mood so dark I make Ophelia seem like Cinderella. But I’m also an enigma, even to myself. I don’t want to say I enjoy the mood but sometimes I seem to thrive on it. I did one of my favorite paintings when I was in just such a mood. I hate the way I make people feel when I get this way but I have no control over it at all, the demons just take over. I can be moody, dark, anti-social, and totally withdraw inside myself and at the same moment want attention, need the attention. This means be nice but don't always expect much in return.

So I can be an anti-social attention whore. Just an enigma.

Why the hell did I start this?

Thirty Days of Truths

I saw a tweet this morning that just grabbed me. I followed the link to a blog post titled “30 Days of Truths” and the idea just fascinates me. Every day you answer a question that tells a ‘truth’ about yourself. Personally I hate this time of year and it just seems like a perfect way to drag myself kicking and screaming into the holidays.

So here are the questions.

Day 01, Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02, Something you love about yourself.
Day 03, Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04, Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05, Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06, Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07, Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08, Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09, Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10, Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11, Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12, Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13, A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14, A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15, Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16, Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17, A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18, Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19, What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20, Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21, (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22, Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23, Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24, Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25, The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26, Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27, What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28, What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29, Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30, A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Some of them, like day 20, are going to be hard I’m sure but others, day 28 comes to mind, are going to be silly and fun. And for those of you going ‘oh %*&$’ I promise to keep you all out of it.

I know it says thirty days but you know me. With everything else I have my fingers in (no pun intended) I know I wont have time for some but I do promise to do them in order and have it finished by Christmas. I plan on starting later today so just fasten your seat belts a hold on tight, it could get interesting.

May the gods help me ....

Observations from the Road 11.13

A gorgeous fall day in central Pennsylvania with radiant sun light reflecting off the foliage in its last blaze of color before the end comes. And why am I back in central Pennsylvania? I was there to watch field hockey of course. The few remaining swathes of reds, oranges, and yellows cover the distant mountains as I sit in the stadium and watch as my sister's team won their semi final game in the state playoffs.

At the start it looked to be a blowout as they ran out to a 4-0 lead. But it never seems to be that easy and soon the score was 4-3 and the nail biter was on. I can't handle many more of these games because between texting and, well, nail biting my nails are a shadow of what they once were. But when it ended my sis was but two wins away from being a state champion. Tenth seed in their district to state champions would be all but unthinkable but yet so close to happening. Even now they can finish no worse than fourth in the state. I honestly don't have words to describe how good it feels or how proud I am of her.

Now the Penn State - Ohio State football game, I'm just going to stay as far away from this topic as possible. This game being the reason I'll be spending the night semi drunkish at my dad's instead of in the Village in my nice big bed. It's going to be a long drive to work in the morning.

I'm going back a little here but I never got around to writing about my visit to the 2010 New York Art Book Fair. The fair, which was held last weekend at PS1, over 200 publishers showing rare books, new books, used books, magazines, and other media of all sorts. For a couple of years I have wanted to get to the fair but never found myself in the city at the right time. I almost missed it again this time but got to it on the final day. One amazing thing about the fair was the buzz in the air which was louder than any show or gallery opening I have been at before.

I purposely went with very little cash because I knew what was going to happen and I totally don't need more books stacked around my bed. Still I left with my backpack filled to the breaking point. You go to a something like this and just have to wonder why people are always talking about print being dead as a media outlet as the three floors of this converted school building were so filled with book lovers that at times it was hard to move. One of my fav spots was the Gotebud with its “You Are Her” collection of hundreds of zines created by women, most of them affiliated with the Riot Grrrl punk movement. Goteblud, a San Francisco gallery owned by Matt Wobensmith, had a room all its own that I was told was almost as big as the gallery's store.

I stopped across the street for a cup of coffee to relax before heading to at the gallery and I have to say one thing. It was possibly the only cup of coffee I ever had that was worse than what I make.

Life goes on

Neil Young - Like A Hurricane

Observations from the Window 11.11, Politics

Something rare and totally different happened over lunch today. The gallery conversation turned to politics. Not bands, not fashion, not theatre or movies, not even the newest conquests of the gallery elite. I have no idea what got into the girls today but politics it was. Mostly about a nagging feeling we all seem to have that the country is going down hill fast and all either party cares about is screwing the other party. I use the words party and screwing in a very banal way here.

Nothing very exciting came of the conversation other than the theory that the country needs a third political party. Not a party like the one that seems to spring up every four years but a true third party with a national organization and agenda. A party that is truly for the people and not just paying lip service as it goes about its own greedy business. A party right of center financially and far left of center socially, as far left as it can go. Granted it's not exactly what I would have in mind but this is all just hypothetical anyway. A party that wouldn't except donations from pacs or lobbyists but get all it’s funding from personal donations. You might laugh at that but just think of the hundreds of millions of dollars President Obama raised on the internet. He proved that it can be done but failed miserably is sustaining it once he was elected.

A party that wouldn't be afraid to call itself liberal and socialist. A party that wanted to take care of the people of this nation and not just the banks, brokerage houses, and other big monied interests. A party that cared about the environment and wanted to leave it better than it was when it took power. That would be willing to cut perverted defense spending and not cut education, science, and social security. A party that would be willing to try and do better than 'the best we can do' in every situation. A party that truly deeply cared about the people, all the people.

At this point maybe it's just an impossible dream but I think it's a dream worth having.

A little over an hour from now Jon Stewart will be the guest on 'The Rachel Maddow Show' and I can't wait. I have sent all my reminder emails and now it's time to get some coffee and veg on the couch until nine, just thought I would share this video. Too funny.

Observations frim the Library 11.10, Randomness

A quick 'way to fucking go' to my mini-me, oops, I mean my sister whose field hockey team continued its amazing run with a first round state playoff win yesterday. This time they managed to not give my dad fits and won in regulation. Now they await word on when and where they will play on Saturday so I better warm up MapQuest while I wait to hear.

I'm writing this at the library and for some odd reason I find the library sexy. Not the librarian but the library itself. Maybe it's because I find intelligence sexy or maybe it's wondering what goes on in those private reading rooms. Or maybe I'm just crazy and find odd places sexy. Maybe I should just shut up before I say too damn much.

Recently I was asked how I can walk New York sidewalks and text at the same time. This had me a little bit paranoid as I never thought it was anything special. I mean I never walk into anybody or anything rude like that. But now I think I know what might be going on. Let me remind you that I might be above average in height for a girl. No let me rephrase that, in any kind of heel at all I'm frickin tall, pushing six feet and over. So it seems that if you have a tall dark moody lesbian walking down the sidewalk texting and not watching where she is going, well, you get the hell out of the way. Works for me.

Politically something has been bugging me for awhile now. They tell you Sarah Palin is as qualified as Barrack Obama to be President of the United States, than they tell you Barrack Obama isn’t qualified to be President, ipso facto. I think you can take it from there. Twitter, in its infinite wisdom, told me I should follow Sarah Palin USA. Either Twitter's models aren't working too well or Twitter has a sense of humor. Knowing the interwebs I'll go with the first choice.

And finally a little bit of a rant here. I smoke, I have smoked off and on since I was in high school, and I know I shouldn’t smoke but I do anyway. I try not to smoke inside even when I can because I really can't stand second hand smoke, it gives me a headache. I know that smoking is more likely to kill me than any other drug I have done in my life. But I saw today that the all powerful government is going require graphic warnings on cigarette packs now. The warnings will have to cover half the pack and will include pictures of dead bodies, cancerous lungs, and other suitably gruesome things. And they think this will make me quit smoking if I don’t want to? It didn’t work for my mom and it isn’t going to work for them because you can't scare a true addict out of their addiction.

How about you just buy me some gum instead?

Natasha Bedingfield - Strip Me

Observations on Photography 11.9

I had a rather interesting email conversation with a friend yesterday. We are both lovers of B&W photography. After looking at my recent shots she asked me a rather obvious question but one that I had never thought about before. Basically she asked if you take content out of a photo, in this case the color, why does a rather basic snapshot suddenly become more serious, more a work of art and not just a snapshot.

I never took more than basic photography courses in school so I had to give it some thought before I answered and came up with one thought in particular. In taking the color out of the photo maybe the photographer makes the viewer subconsciously try and put it back in and in so doing makes the viewer dwell on it longer. As my friend put it so well, “with color your brain automatically looks at it and says 'yeah, I know what that is, next.'”

I work almost exclusively in mono because I think it is the most expressive form of photography. The only times I use color are when I am just taking snapshots, highlighting with mellow shades, or the color is just so brilliant it screams out to be used. Still one of the simplest ways to grab an art viewer’s eye is with color. Obviously this is something you can't do with B&W and so you are forced to use textures and the tones themselves. Your mind looks at a composition in a totally different way. Textures, tones, and patterns can be so exciting without color taking away from them as the subtle changes become profound and jump from the shot.

Contrast is something else you can use more and to better effect in B&W shots. You don't have to worry about the many different colors in a composition and how they each blend with the other or reflect the light. Contrast becomes so distinct that, with the use of dark shadows and bright lights, you are able to see or show things you normally wouldn’t be able to. Try this in a color shot and, as I told my friend, the photo just becomes an abstract. Funny thing is I love abstract painting but I never was a big fan of abstract in photography.

Something else I personally am not a fan of is the current trend towards 'partial color' photos. Partial color is the style of honing in and enhancing with bright color one particular part of an otherwise B&W photo. As I said sometimes I will use mellow shades to highlight a shot but what I was talking about when I said that was a bleeding away of color in the whole shot until it becomes barely visible.

I could go on about this all day but I didn’t set out to write a book here. I just wanted to expand on an interesting conversation between two ‘color photo snobs.’

Life goes on

Audioslave - Doesn't Remind Me

Observations from the Window 11.7, the Sis

I made a run down to my dad's yesterday to see my sister's big field hockey game. I never got to play in a district championship game myself but I can easily imagine how nervous she was. I should say if my dad and I were any indication I could imagine it. I was so nervous I left my camera in my apartment and had to make due with an old one I keep in Foxy.

They played the defending district and state champions to a regulation time draw at a score of 2-2. Than once again they won the game with just minutes left in the OT period. After the game we followed the team bus back to school in a caravan, horns honking all the way, the last five miles with a siren blaring fire engine and police escort.

Later we celebrated by watching as Joe Paterno got his 400th win as head coach as Penn State defeated Northwestern in the biggest come from behind win in Penn State history. At the risk of annoying my sister I just had to mention Joe Paterno here. One man, one school, and 400 wins, it's just something that will never happen again. But earlier today I got a text from my her and she was a little annoyed that JoePa's achievement had knocked her big win off the front of the local sports page.

I have said before how much I enjoyed playing field hockey and how much I admire my sister but I am going to mention it again. The girl is so much better than I ever was, and I like to think I was pretty damn good. She doesn't have my height or reach, she isn't a big goal scorer either, but she plays with a never ending tenacity that just seems to wear opposing players down. Now my mini-me is just four wins away from a state championship and I couldn't be any prouder of her. I guess it is time I stop calling her my mini-me.

My dad told me that in a last minute morning decision she opted to wear a single pearl on a gold chain instead of her usual peace sign necklace. The pearl was our mom's and our grandmother's before that. Now I'm not sure which will be around her the longest, the pearl or the gold medal.

My sister the champion, I like the sound of that.

Green Day - We Are The Champions

11/9/2010 update - My sister's team won their first state playoff game by a 2-1 score.

Observations from the Bar 11.4, A Special Comment

So I am sitting at the bar with some friends in the back corner table that I have adopted. It reminds me of the back corner table at the bar at Penn State that I adopted. The back corner table is next to the back corner TV and I have my hands on the remote that works the back corner TV. At 8 and I turn on MSNBC to watch Keith Olbermann but I find somebody else is sitting in his chair. I just figured he took the night off to recover from the election and the end of baseball season.

But no I soon discover MSNBC suspended him because he donated an astronomical combined $7500 to three election campaigns. What pathetic bullshit is this? Did he go on the air and say I donated and so should you? I don’t think so. Did he tell his viewers who to vote for? I don’t think so. I was ready to go on a tirade here about every citizen's right to donate to whom ever they want. Than, while checking it out, I came upon these words ....

"NBC has a rule against employees contributing to political campaigns."

As much as I hate to say it you were wrong, you broke the rule. Now I of all people understand the breaking of rules, it's what I do. But nobody will care when I crash and burn because of that. On the other hand you have millions of viewers who hang on every word of your special comments as if they were gospel and watch you every night. You aren’t Sean Hannity, you don't work at Fox *News*, and right or not your viewers hold you to a higher standard.

As for NBC, one night would have been more than enough to make your point. Suspended indefinitely? One has to wonder how many of you up in the tower have donated to one campaign or another too. And what about Pat Buchanan and Joe Scarborough who also contributed?

In the end, MSNBC you just suck.

morning update - As always Rachel says it best. the Maddow Blog

11/8/10 update - Olbermann returns to the air tomorrow, Tuesday, night. The link includes his full statement in which he thanks viewers and blasts NBC. Daily Kos

Observations from my Bed 11.3

And so it's after two in the morning and I can't turn off the TV, still glued to MSNBC. It must be Rachel in that grey blazer because it cant be Matthews, sometimes the man just doesn’t know when to shut it. Election night comes to an end and I have no idea what it means but I do know one thing. Sharron Angle hopefully enjoyed her fifteen minutes of fame and now can take her bigoted ass back into whatever desert hole she crawled out of.

Some random thoughts from a night of election watching. Andrew Coumo crushed Carl Paladino like a bug on the windshield and I would be only to happy to be the one turning on the wipers. Outgoing Governor Ed of Pennsylvania called democrats wussies. As much as I hate to admit it he spoke the truth. God dems open your mouths and kick some ass! We are right and they are wrong. Don't try and be so damn civil and just say it. Say it! Governor elect of California Jerry Brown might not be the youngest guy but he rocks.

Watched John Boehner give a little 'we won' speech. Dude had tears in his eyes, choked up, must have been because his new tanning bed had just arrived. Keith Olbermann had the best line here when he said he said he thought the Democrats should be the ones crying tonight.

Headline of the night ....
" BREAKING: Openly gay Providence mayor elected to Congress."

My favorite tweets ....
@billmaher: Its Election Day! Unless ur a billionaire, vote for the party that gave u healthcare, stopped a Depression and got out of Iraq
@erockett89: Rachels like Chris stfu and dont talk over me before I bitch slap you. bitch.
@BrianLynch: Meg Whitman discovered the position of governer does not have a "Buy it Now" option.

And a final thought. How in the name of any god could Rand Paul be elected to the United States Senate? Bigot, bully, thug. He will be heard, he will be seen, but in the end he will amount to nothing. But still he was elected and it boggles my mind. Think about that over your morning coffee.

Life goes on

update - Two morning observations. I don't think Lawrence O'Donnell sleeps, at all. Seriously the man was on until 1AM and there he is again. And Mika Brzezinski in a black turtleneck and slacks, enough said.

update 2 - One final tweet than I get on with my life ....
@tbogg: 7 in 10 seniors say no to Prop19. http://tiny.cc/tz610 Let's take away their medical marijuana cards.Arthritis pain? Man up, grandma

Pink - Raise Your Glass